30 Years?

It has been 30 years since I graduated from college. My reunion is this weekend beginning Friday. I live a few blocks from the college so I will be able to go unless the heat is too much for me to walk down. There are a couple of people coming I haven't seen in a while and I'm excited. Unfortunately, I will only be able to go to the free things. Won't be able to attend the Class dinner because of the cost. Won't be able to attend the campus picnic, etc. because of the cost. Just makes me sick to be in the position I'm in. Still have medications to fill and am already counting pennies until July 3rd.

This is the first time I can actually walk down to the college and enjoy a reunion and go home at the end of the day. I'm thankful.

---------------------------------------------------------

My friend, Julie, came over today and brought some homemade chicken salad, soup, and some chicken she just decided not to use. It was a welcome feast for me! We sat on the front porch and enjoyed each other's company. I am so thankful to not be stressed out as I was in Dothan. She told me about a friend of hers who lived in Alabama, but has returned to Wilmore. He said he purchased two dogs just to guard his wife when he was away on business because it was so unsafe. Sounds about right.

So thankful I can walk out the door and not feel unsafe. So thankful I can sit on the porch and be at peace. Now if I could get rid of the extreme stress of having to count every penny, worrying about whether to turn the air on because I cannot afford the electric bill next month, worrying about feeding my beloved cat, etc., etc, etc., a tremendous amount of stress would be gone from my life. I feel as though I'm standing at the top of the mountain and can see the green valley ahead, but just can't seem to find a way down. The "if onlys" keep getting in the way.

Until then, I'm pouring out the penny jar and counting up the change to make it to July 3rd.

SICK NIGHT AHEAD

It is going to be a sick night ahead. My tummy is burning and churning again. The swelling started after lunch. I was careful in what I ate, but the pain came anyway. Two throwing up episodes in one month. And now a deep burning pain set in for the night. Will I ever find out what's going on?

I called the doctor's office again this morning to find out the catscan results. Left message for them to call me. Called back and talked to the front desk. Explained my situation and how I had to chase down my test results last time. She took down all the info after she found out there were no results in my file. I told her the hospital told me the results would have been there last Wednesday afternoon or Thursday morning and I had called Friday and left a message for someone to call me, but no one did. She apologized and promise to get someone to call.

An hour later, the doctor's assistant called. She said the test showed no abnormalities. In other words, they didn't see anything unusual. Offered to send me to gastro doctor, but I declined. Why go through more testing when nothing is inflammed? I'll go to the ER WHEN it happens again and it will happen. Let them do their tests and find out what's going on.

So it could have been food poisoning, gall bladder or even related to my aneurysm. I'll just have to wait until the next attack.

It hurts when I eat or drink anything.

I have two more weeks of the month to stretch Fifty dollars for groceries and medication. I don't think I'm going to make it and I'm scared. There are a few cans in the cabinet and a loaf of break. Oh how I wish I could win Publisher's Clearing house and not have to worry about where money would come from just to buy groceries each month!! I wake up each day hoping the end of the month is a bit closer to the end.

I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm so worried about money. Help me Lord!

Counting Pennies

I spent yesterday taking photos and gathering items to put on eBay. Anyone who has ever listed items on eBay knows this bad economy has lowered chances of selling items. Just not dependable.

I also counted pennies so that I could buy a few groceries today. Two and a half weeks stand between me and money.

Worry, stress and wondering what I am going to do for food when the few items I purchased today run out. I've been eating toast for breakfast, but have been so thankful to have that toast.

Sitting in the dark right now. Conserving electricity so that next month's bills will be less, I hope. It is so very hard to juggle the cost of monthly bills when you are living on $800 a month, especially when more than half goes to rent.

Still have medications to fill, but I'll be counting pills to see which ones I can skip this month. I just don't have enough money to refill them all.

I spent today with two friends, one who shared her leftover food from a meal she did last night. SO very thankful for the good food! I rarely get a meal anymore. We sat on the other friend's back porch and read the book of Ruth today and watched the robins feed their babies nested in a corner and colorful finches twirling on feeders just over the neighbor's fence. The breeze was cool underneath the shelter. For a short while, I didn't think about financial worries, whether I could afford to refill my medications, or how I would make ends meet this month.

Now I'm back to reality and counting pennies on my living room floor. When the small amount of food is gone, I'll be eating toast and grits until July 3rd arrives.

STILL WAITING

When you go in for any medical test, you wait and wait and wait and wait for the results. Those who have never had tests think you get instant results. If only.

When I went  in for my test yesterday, I assumed it would be a quick in, scan and out. Instead I was given a bottle of "fruit flavored" water looking bottled of chemicals to drink. For those who invent this stuff, don't try to hide it as "fruit flavored." There is nothing close to fruit in this bottle.

As you drink this horrible concoction, your mouth turns inside out and you refrain from throwing up. You realize why there aren't any plants in the waiting room because others have already pours what was left of their bottles into the pots killing the previous plants. And if you brought a friend with you, you now have a "medicine police" watching you drink every drop of that horrible bottle of toxin. You lose every bit of your taste buds. You walked into the room starving and thirsty because you couldn't eat or drink after midnight. Now you could care less if you swallowed anything!

Trying to take the suggestion of drinking it down and getting it over with just doesn't work. It would just come back up again. So I tried to use my other trick - good thought memory of meeting Kevin Spacey fourteen years ago. It didn't work either. Just washed away in horrid chemicals.

The more I drank, the more my stomach hurt. The pain was worse. It took more than twenty minutes for me to finally drink the horrible "fruit flavored" chemicals someone obviously labeled as such for a joke.

The wait started for fifty minutes. Fever set in. I should have taken the token blanket they offered earlier. They disappeared afterwards and no one came through after I finished the bottle. So I shook and froze waiting for the clock to tick off those minutes.

Finally a tech returned to usher me back to the cat scan room. An ER nurse hooked me up to the IV to run the dye into my system. It was a familiar dye they run when I get my aneurysm checked once a year. It burns at first, then flushes and makes you feel as though you have wet yourself.

First thing first, I asked for a blanket. It came out of the warmer. AHHHHH!!!!! Felt the heat penetrate each shiver one by one releasing each painful joint.

As she slid me into the cat scan machine, I turned to my faithful memory of meeting Kevin Spacey. It did not fail to relax and bring a smile to my face. After fourteen years, the memory is as clear as yesterday. It has brought me through many painful medical procedures. Thank you, Kevin Spacey! :)

After the test is concluded, the tape is removed from the IV. Okay, medical field, can't you invent better tape for this? It is FAR more painful to take the tape off than to put an IV in! I'm thankful to have been blessed with a sensitive person who put in the IV and took it out.

After arriving home yesterday, the chemicals had made me so sick, I had diarrhea for four hours. The pain in my stomach was worse than ever. I slept for the entire afternoon until my best friend, Sandy, called to tell me she had to put her dearest friend, Macy, her German shepherd, to sleep. Broke my heart! She was twelve years old and was such a loving dog.

Here's some wisdom for you: No matter how rich or famous you may be, if you have to have a medical test or go through any medical procedures, etc., you'll have to face the dreaded medical tape, "fruit flavored" water, chalk drink, back less hospital gowns, and other horrible experiences we have faced.

 

CAT SCAN WEDNESDAY

Going in for a catscan on Wednesday morning. Saw my doctor Monday. Thinks I might have had a gall bladder attack Saturday night. Since a milder attack happened two weeks ago, he wants to make sure.

I'm still quite sore from the weekend's illness. Feeling some stronger. Was told by the doctor I should have gone to the ER and the next time it happens, GO! It scared me so badly that I didn't know what to do. He said I should have called an ambulance due to my condition. Looking back, he was right.

Still Suffering

Two days of weakness. Two days with a severe headache. Two days with so much pain in my abdomen. So much swelling. Still so very weak. This one hit me hard.

A friend told me when you lose your family, God provides a "family" for you. How I wish that were true for me right now.

Weak As A Kitten

I fought off the fever. It took several hours before it broke. Stopped throwing up around 3:30-4:00 a.m. Sleep did not come until hours later and not for long.

I was afraid to close my eyes, afraid to drift off, afraid to think of myself alone, unable to call for help if I needed it. The phone in my hand, my head propped up on three pillows, my throat raw from throwing up for hours, I could not fight the weakened state of my body anymore. I simply passed out from dehydration and exhaustion.

Rascal woke me up two hours later to feed him even though I could not walk past the door. It was several hours later before I could manage that act of love.

I feel as though a mack truck has run over me, backed up and run over me again. It must have been food poisoning. The symptoms pointed directly to it. Still running fevers. Still having diarrhea. So thankful not to be throwing up. Just so weak.

Since I have a chronic illness like systemic lupus, my immune system is already weakened. The food poisoning just mowed me down. The next few days will show how the lupus will respond to the attack on my body.

I am still alone. Wishing I had a family member I could call. Wishing I had someone in my family who was just in the apartment with me. Just having someone near is comforting.

But there is no comfort. No encouraging words. No one to bring me soup. No one to bring me fluids. Makes dealing with unexpected sickness so hard. Makes dealing with a chronic illness like lupus nearly impossible.

I am as weak as a new born kitten. Sleep please come.