Saturday, October 22, 2016

Just Another Day

Still having a hard time functioning. Washing dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, etc., tasks mist people give little thought to have become extremely difficult for me. And it makes my heart heavy, sad.

Today how I wish I could go home - where I was raised. Feel the sweet release of security. Just walk into my old room, crawl into bed and rest, the kind of rest that has no timetable. And even though my family was filled with anger and heartache, it was still home. It has been twenty-three years since I went home. It belongs to someone else now. My family all passed away. There is no home to go home to anymore.

I worked so hard to get away from there in my early twenties. Even chose a college out of state. But illness and death drew me home. My own loss of health took what was left - inability to work, care for myself even though I don't have a choice. Loss of friends, lack of support, encouragement. Now wondering everyday I wake up what's coming next. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm depressed. Chemical imbalance? Probably. Illness side effects? Definitely.

It has been a struggle my whole life. I'm just tired of struggling. And I'm tired of being stuck in bed, sick, alone. Today I'm just worn out.

Friday, October 21, 2016

More Flares and other Thoughts

The doctor took me completely off the plaquenil that has prevented flares and fevers. Since I now have plaquenil toxicity, when the medication deposits on the retina causing blindness, I can no longer take it. The only medicine left in the long line of others that did not work is Benlysta. I have taken Benlysta (a medication given by IV) before and spent two weeks out of four wiped out, unable to function at all, and struggling just to make it financially since my insurance covers all but 20%. So I'm waiting for the hospital to call and schedule another round I will take once a month.

It is doubly hard to do mundane daily things when you are wiped out, have fevers of 102-103, are in intense pain, etc., etc., etc. Just trying to vacuum, mop the floor or stand at the sink to wash dishes is a struggle. The results of the past few months show in my apartment. It also causes depression because I can't do anything but sit in a chair or lie down. Put yourself in these shoes and see how it feels.

So now the financial struggle begins again for the medication. Such a dread. I have no choice. It is either take the medication and hope for some response or just stop and die.

Stress hasn't helped. Our neighborhood has gone so far down in the past couple of years. I was talking with my next door neighbor and she feels the same way. The lady across the street does, too. When you have a president who releases over 80,000 drug dealers or those who were caught with drugs, the neighborhoods get flooded. As has ours. On Tuesday morning when I went outside to feed Buddy and Tom, there were three police cars in the road just a few doors down. They remained at least two hours. Wednesday night and Thursday night there were three more in the same location. Keep in mind they were positioned on the dead end of the street. Even though it unnerves me to see this happen, part of me felt safer knowing they were there. Too many drug dealers try to hide in small towns like Wilmore. Then the damage is done and it radiates to every door.

This election scares me silly. There is no way I will vote for someone who wants open borders (just to pad the Democrat voter registration), murders babies in the womb (even up to the point of birth), double our national debt and keep going, turns their back on Israel, fine a Christian bakery for choosing to follow their beliefs, taking away the second amendment (even though the politicians can't go to the bathroom without a body guard), and the list goes on. It isn't about personalities or a popularity contest. Gone are the days of choosing a person whose work speaks for themselves. Instead we have a government that is unbalanced. You have to vote for a party in order to accomplish anything. Just depends on what you want to accomplish.  It is about the issues at hand. I found two links that sum up what this election is truly about. So don't argue with me or point fingers because you're not open to accepting a different choice. Try looking at the issues. I heard someone say vote your conscience. Instead vote for the issues. They will affect every aspect of your life. Even your bank account!

Monday, October 10, 2016


Stress has caused a fever of 102.9. Just can't break it after three hours. Don't want to go to the emergency room. Flare in full swing. The highest temperature was 103 degrees.

At 3:30 am my fever broke. Eleven hours of suffering.

Friday, September 30, 2016

I Need A Miracle!

I spoke with my neighbor across the street simply to pass some information about the landlord who owns the duplex across the street. She, too, had problems with them. She expressed how fed up she is with the bunch. I shared my experiences and gave her the name of the officer who is working the case. What would make a difference is if other neighbors called as well. I feel like I'm fighting alone. Ever reminded of the eight other times I've encountered drugs, drug dealers and criminals living next door to me and having to deal with the situation alone. There are simply no safe places anymore, but I settle for one without drug dealers and addicts. It's all about them. No boudaries, no self control.

Yesterday it was the dog getting out loose without a leash. I yelled at the dog when he charged onto my porch. Troubled neighbor started yelling and cussing me out. He threatened to beat me up and kill Buddy my cat. This has Already become a case. This afternoon he decided to work on his car in the driveway and turn his car stereo up to blasting.

I did what the officer told me. Call everything in. There was an officer in a plain car who stopped. That conversation went on for ever. Thankfully I was not in the middle. The reason I was told to call everytime was the more police show up, they know they're being watched and the officer said they would get paranoid and leave.

I will never understand how a landlord overlooks so much: drug dealers, drug parties, blasting music, wild large dog let loose to run rampant in the neighborhood, a child going into other yards when folks   aren't home to play and take things with them. I don't understand how after six police calls this land Lord doesn't evict them. He's taking drug money for rent. Then I remember a landlord from Dothan who did the exact same thing. Could care less about the danger around us. He, too, did nothing.

I've been suffering since I fell Monday night. Bruised and swollen, I have
not moved around well. Those glaucoma drops burn my eyes red and make them hurt. I'm scared to take them, but afraid not to do so. I can't believe I'm losing my sight.

Prayers went up from a ladies Bible study tonight. I am a firm believer in prayer, but I also believe putting your feet behind prayers and helping someone in a bad situation by doing something. I understand how someone gets desperate enough to kill themselves. People are so willing to pray, but leave it at that. It becomes a way to not get involved. Pray and go - the practice of Christians today. I need prayer, but I need help more!!!!!

Oh how I wish someone would adopt me, share their family with me so that I won't have to be alone. As it is, I'm bogged down with being so alone, never fitting in. I ask God every night to take me home. I have no purpose, no quality of life, slowly my body is breaking down from a 22 year illness, I am losing my sight. I have no help for everyday things, cleaning, cooking a decent meal. I simply don't have the stamina. I am simply tired of trying. I have no desire to keep going. I'm exhausted and done.

I've tried to get back to a time I was actually happy in Wilmore, but it is as if my fond memories and joy have been smothered out of me by criminals next duplex over, losing my site, suffering with chronic fatigue, pain, countless doctor appointments and an ever growing medicine list that has reached 16 prescriptions a month! Is it worth it anymore? I don't know. Problem is there is no one to encourage me, no hugs, no laughter and no support. I'm lost trying to find that place where I was happy and content, but it has become a stranger to me.

I've heard people talk about a person losing hope and simply give up life, soul and spirit. Sometimes I wish I could just do
that. Just let go.

I need a miracle. Either the bad apples next door have to go or I have to find a new place. Otherwise I am standing on the edge contemplating letting go for good.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Will it ever stop?

Yesterday I saw the eye doctor again. She did four more tests to confirm that I have glaucoma. In just a few short weeks after picking up new glasses, my vision has worsened. And yes, I have glaucoma, add another prescription. Cataracts are getting worse, but she doesn't want to do anything until she knows for sure whether taking off the cataracts would indeed improve my vision. Head back to the retina doctor in two months to take two more tests to see if plaquenil is beyond the point of taking it anymore. The one medication that helps control the lupus symptoms. 

When I arrived home yesterday, my rheumatologist office had called and asked me to return the call. When I tried, I was informed they were having phone problems and I could not get through. So I called today and left a message for the new nurse to call me back. When she did, she didn't have a clue as to why she would have called me. I assured her I didn't call back for no reason and she had indeed called and asked me to return the call. She never called back so I guess she never remembered. Typical rheumatologist experience.

Last night I reached for something on my nightstand and fell off the bed hitting my head on the night stand. When I tried to get up again, I fell over a chair. So bruised up! 

Let's add another shall we? The bad duplex next door to me let the dog out again and he headed straight for my door. I screamed him away and the "boyfriend" (who has been running drugs out of that place for weeks) started yelling at me, threatening to beat  me up, and killing my cat. So after I pulled myself together, I called the local police and asked to speak to someone in that office. 

The policeman called me back. I explained everything that had gone on for months now and he said they were familiar with that duplex and said I would have to file against the guy who threatened me saying it was a terrorist threat. And only if something happens to my cat would they be able to do anything. It would change to a crime. First of all, I don't want anything to happen to my cat. I can't make him come in so that's out of the question. Two, there is a leash law in Wilmore. Dogs on leash. Not applied to cats. 

This has gone on long enough. The officer told me he would collect the tag numbers and names of the people when he went over there saying there had been a complaint. Said he would put this neighborhood on car patrol, and would call me later to let me know what happened. 

As I look out the window, I realize he's been over there a long time already. I'm sure they are not telling the truth, which he informed me he would be shocked if they did. 

I talked with my next door neighbor who also had a bad experience with them. He said next city council meeting he would be bringing up this issue to rid the neighborhood of the drugs. I just hope he follows through. 

I left Alabama to get away from this mess. I don't intend to move, but to stay and fight if I have to. But the stress is really killing me. If I had another place to go today, I'd be gone.

Saturday, September 3, 2016


I moved to Wilmore to get away from the crime. It never dawned on me there would be drug crime running rampant through this town. The drug apartment now has three big dogs running around loose and two more car loads of addicts inside. My experience with drug addicts and sellers moving in next door to me has always had the tell tale signs. One being a bunch of dogs guarding their stash.

Again tonight I had to call the police. Lucky me! The family across the street had already tried, but no one would answer when they called the police. I just happened to call before my next door neighbor made contact. This neighborhood has just had it. When the neighbor across the street asked if I had called yet, I told her I did, but something might be done if more neighbors called and complained. She then told me she tried and would continue to do so. Apparently the dogs attacked her dog while she was walking him. Not to mention the parents who are worried about their children.

The cops are arriving faster. Little good it did. I was talking with him when he received info back that the woman called in and was out of town. She said someone must have broken into her place for the dogs to be out. We both stood there rolling our eyes. Dumbest excuse I ever heard.

The police are aware this is a drug house and so is the landlord. Just as I expected, as long as he gets his money he doesn't care. I followed up with a call to him informing him what was going on. All he said was that he would talk to her tomorrow. Background check people! Not that hard to do!!

Tie this in to lupus. I'm stressed beyond belief. Started the fevers for a bad flare thanks to all of this. The lack of law enforcement is literally making me sick!

When I moved here four years ago, I was so thankful to have a safe place to rest my head at night. Now safety has gone out the window. I've had more flares than I can count this summer because of this neighborhood. Wilmore should be a shame!

Settling in for a rollercoaster of flares. Too bad I can't hold someone legally responsible for the decline of my health. Hitting them in the pocketbook would light a fire under them to take action. As the cop in Dothan, fonce told me, "Call the police
Every time. Once the criminals know the police are on to them, they tend to move on." Time to move on!

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

A Tribute to my Daddy

Today is my daddy's birthday. He would have been 94 today. He died twenty years ago. The pain is  still as fresh as it was way back then. I've spent the entire day in tears. Grief knows no timetable.

With only a sixth grade education (he had to drop out to help his family work a sharecropper farm), he was the hardest working man I ever knew. One of the hardest lessons I learned was when I graduated high-school. I was told to find a way to go to college (meaning pay my own way) or get a job tomorrow and pay rent and utilities. I got both - worked in a sewing factory on my feet for eight hours on the night shift. Walked between the hemming machines adding pillow cases to be hemmed. Slept five hours, got up and went to college full time. Would never have happened if he had not been so tough on me. I ran out of gas on the way home from work. Was two miles from home. Of course the country store and gas station had been closed for hours. I called him. Daddy said I'd better start walking then. When I made it home, there was an empty gas cap on the table.  He said to take it with me when I walked back to fill up the car. He was a teacher of responsibility.

His grade latest gift was being content with what he had and being where he was. This quality is what I yearned to learn. In a world focused on being more, getting more, and moving up the ladder of success, I am thankful to have had a Daddy whose focus was to provide and care for his family, working hard and giving his children a strong work ethic. Never handing us things, but teaching us hard work and respectability was important to surviving. He always said just giving us money or things instead of us learning how the real world worked would not be doing us a favor. And he was right.

He was a WWII veteran, a carpenter,and a gardener. When he was young, he worked in the CCC camp so that he could send money home to his family. He was a fisherman who supplied many fish to feed our family during hard times. During that time he had a large garden that fed us all.

He had a great compassion and love for all animals, and they in turn loved him, too. I am thankful to have inherited his love for animals.

Most of all he is my Daddy and I miss him everyday!