Sunday, July 5, 2020

Judging Others

I'm just me. I love animals far more than people. Never fit in. That's ok. I'm content with who I am and don't need people to try to change me. That is disrespectful to the max. Love is accepting people for who they are and loving them for the same reason.

One way to lose me is pass judgement on me for who I am. In my experience Christians have been the worse. God warns us not to judge others lest you be judged. If someone doesn't understand your choices they'd rather say what a bad person you are instead of listening to your whys. You're in a box with so many strings attached you just give up and go away. Far too many strings attached. Nothing but manipulation.  Your life should draw people to Christ. If it doesn't don't be surprised when the person you threw under the judgement seat walks away. They don't care about your reasons let alone your experience. If you don't live like they do you must be bad. Instead of listening they get their panties in a wad and run for the door, leaving you standing with all kinds of labels attached to you. Ungrateful, liar, disrespectful, etc. Always the same ending.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with the contentment of enjoying my own company, content with who You made me to be and peace with You alone. So many people will search for groups to be accepted by because they can't be alone. Thank you for teaching me being alone and being lonely are two different things. I've felt alone in the world many times. It has been years since I've felt lonely. I think it is because I finally understand. You were and are there every time. All I have to do it ask.

I'd rather be alone than be judged repeatedly for who I am. I'd rather be alone than feel invisible in a crowd. I'm not alone. Others feel the same way.

Lord please protect me from evil. I'm getting tired of having to fight it off.

Matthew 7:1 "Judge not that ye be not judged. " A mote may be in my eye but don't miss the plank in yours. 

Thursday, July 2, 2020

Second Samuel Movie

Finally the movie "Second Samuel" was released digitally. You can watch it on Amazon prime, vudu. com, etc. Worth watching!

I've waited a couple of years for it to come out. It was filmed in my home of Abbeville, AL, Dothan, AL and the Wiregrass area. Loved seeing Porter Hardware Store, the sidewalks of Abbeville, Hugging Molly's old-fashioned soda counter, downtown Dothan, Landmark Park, etc. Just made me homesick! Had a few local actors in it. Harry Truman's grandson portrayed him. Quite the comedy! Set in the 40's. I remember going into Porters hardware store with my Daddy when I was a child. It is now a museum.

If you want to get a good laugh and learn about living your neighbor this movie is for you.

Roller Coaster June

Roller coaster June! Pain, flares, stress, falls, migraines. List goes on. Every day has gone from one extreme to another. Mix in the hate, anger, lawlessness out country has experienced. More thankful every day for God putting President Trump in office for a time such as the this. Happens every election year. Just look it up.

Even though our town never had a shut down I've been sheltered at home except for doctor appointments, hospital infusions, occasional grocery store. With Benlysta being an immune suppressant (a chemo drug) my immune system is rock bottom. So I don't go out unless I have to. It has been lonely.

Few weeks ago I saw my rheumatologist. He put me on celebrex. Worse side effects ever. Made me terribly sick. I stopped it after six days. When I called to tell them they blamed it on covid. Wanted me to take another covid test even though I had two just before my port surgery. I had to defend myself and tell them no way was it covid. Every side effect I had was celebrated caused. Later they listed it as celebrex allergy. Unbelievable! I had hoped to leave this kind of stuff in KY.

My other Dr appointment was this week. Walked right into a hornet's nest. He came in my appointment in a horrible mood. I said, "Boy you are all sunshine and roses!" He finally realized what he was doing and snapped out of it. Apparently someone went in ahead of me wanting pills for every ache and pain so I got the speech. Proof he knows nothing about me. Every one I know would tell him quickly if throw away every pill if I could. Doctors have told me they can't take me off any of them. So he has decided to do it. Thing is I won't agree to pain medication . I'm not going back to lack of quality of life because I can't endure the chronic pain I've endured for twenty years. First to go is the antidepressant I've been on for over twenty years. Never should have been put on it. I was grieving the loss of my brother. It was grief and not depression. He has a list of meds to remove. Common sense and research tells me you just don't stop medication with out stress on the body. Is it worth removing medicines of it would cause a stroke or heart attack? Anyone who has experienced this before please let me know.

I had relaxed into trusting doctors too soon once again. When I do that something bad always happens. From this moment forward my trust will have to be earned. My parents taught me not to trust anyone so easily. They said trust had to be earned. They were right. Time to wake up and put this to practice.

I went in with a sharp pain in my lower left hip. Every time I stand for more than five minutes the pain is horrible. Just started doing this a month ago. Shortness of breath developed when I lie down. Not normal. When I bring up things like this is because I want to know what it is. Last time I had back problems was two years ago. I couldn't walk a few yards without pain setting in and my body going numb. It was a bad disc. They replaced  the disc, put in screws and bolts and in time it made a difference.

The doctor said "you are a horrible candidate for surgery!"

 So I asked what I was supposed to do when the aneurysm grew to surgery size? He said I would have to deal with it.

When I went in my blood pressure was already high. The nurse said it was due to pain. I normally have a low blood pressure. I'm on a blood pressure pills to prevent stress on the aneurysm. No other reason.

When I left the appointment I felt insulted and numb. They took blood and did an X-Ray. Four nurses witnessed one taking blood from my port. Hurt like crazy. Felt like someone pushing a thumbtack in my chest.

Still no confirmation on what it revealed. I asked what one term meant. Said it is what arthritis looks like I'm an stay so I assume it is more arthritis. Physical therapy comes to my home starting Monday. I had physical therapy for the last two years. They were the kindest people I've ever known. Same with Tara, the doctor who went by my medical charts when treating me. She was kind and upfront with me. Couldn't have asked for better. Why are doctors practicing in an office so different? Kindness goes a long way and makes a difference.

When I am treated the way I was treated I tend to shut off from that person. Rarely say another word about what is going on. Not good but that is how I deal with things. I had enough in Kentucky with people judging me wondering if I was sick because I didn't look like it. I've had enough with self righteous people. Why do people have to hear it from your doctor's mouth when someone else you know who has similar health problems you accept freely?

Few things I learned last month. Benlysta is doing its job suppressing the lupus I've suffered from for twenty-six years. Changed the numbers once out of control to level while doctors wonder why my numbers have changed. Common sense says the medicine is working. So why are they surprised?

I learned to not trust so quickly. Truth is we don't know each other really. We know what others show us. I've had to learn this lesson way too many times. Hopefully with it written down this will be the last time.

One of my nurses told me I'm a realist. She couldn't have said anything better.

Be kind. Better to build someone up than fear them down.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

It Hurts! Living with Lupus and Fibromyalgia In My Life

It Hurts to breathe, to move, to sit, to lie down. I'm having a very bad lupus flare that could last for days or weeks. I have had a few last for a month.

I had surgery a week ago to insert a port. My body sees it as a foreign object and is fighting it by beating me up inside. It isn't attacking the port. It is attacking my joints, causing fevers up to 101 degrees. It is making me nauseous, sick and brings me to tears. I can't make the pain go away. I cannot rest comfortably. I'm miserable.

I'm having a bad lupus flare and this is what happens. I can only wait it out.

Today is my brothers birthday. He died at age 46 from cancer. He would have been 72. He was 13 years older than me. I miss him as if it happened yesterday. So my emotions are raw and my tears are many. Also affects lupus flares.

I can only wait it out. Doesn't help I have no family and fight this alone. Makes it harder. Kindness and encouragement go a long way. What must God think of those who call themselves Christian and not take time to encourage those who suffer? I plan to ask Him in person one day. I also make it a point To show compassion To those in pain whether physical or emotional. I know what a huge difference it makes.

To protect myself from future flares I have to shield myself from hate, discouraging words and ignorant replies. Sometimes even that is not enough. When lupus flares it attacks my heart, lungs, other organs and does damage. The damage is permanent.

This is what living with lupus and fibromyalgia is like for me not to mention the added diseases spawned by them. If I did not stay in the protective love of God, under His kindness, compassion and care  I could not make it through another day. Thank you Lord for never leaving my side.

Sunday, May 17, 2020


In the healing process from having the port put in. Right now it is swollen and looks black and blue. They tried putting it in the left side because I'm right handed, but it didn't work and they had to pull it out. The left side went in fine. The hospital used it for my benlysta infusion Thursday. Was so sore, but it worked like a charm. No more hunting veins or restabbing me because they roll. Yes it was worth it. 

After my surgery I stayed in recovery a longer time than normal. They couldn't get my blood pressure to come up. I was at the hospital for six hours. Everything went smoothly. Didn't have to wait more than fifteen minutes before going to the operating room. 
I've had problems with dizziness since Tuesday so I'm having to take small short steps these days. 

The weather has been rough. Cold and chilly at night. Rainy. Always sets off a lupus flare. I've been in extreme pain since Tuesday. My joints are so swollen. Hard to sleep because I sleep on my left side and have tried avoiding it until the swelling goes down. When I wake up on the right side my back is in horrible pain. Just been one of those weeks. 

For those who don't know anything emotional or physical can cause a lupus flare. So can the weather change. Surgery caused my flare this time but was also pushed along by the change in weather. I have fibromyalgia and systemic lupus (26 years) so the two together are so painful. I just get so tired of pushing myself through it. 

Still haven't unpacked all of my boxes. I've been sick since January. So every moment I feel somewhat able I try to unpack a box. Will take longer before I get it all in place. I'm doing the best I can and that isn't good enough for me. 

Tuesday I get my eye pressure checked. I'm on four prescription eye drops just to bring the glaucoma pressure down and prevent more damage. The doctor is adament I go in to check to see if the new drop is working. Week from Tuesday I see the surgeon so he can check on the port. So impressed with my surgeon. He has a fabulous bedside manner. Did a great job too. 

I'm so tired of being in isolation. It has weighed on my hard. It would anyone. 

Hoping you have a great week ahead. 

Thursday, May 7, 2020

Food For Thought

Remember democrats legalized, encourage, find and push murdering babies. If you put them in office murder continues. You're no better than them. Remember this when you vote.

Judging Others

I'm just me. I love animals far more than people. Never fit in. That's ok. I'm content with who I am and don't need people ...