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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

A Christmas Post

There may not be presents under my tree, but I enjoy decorating for Christmas. The lights suck me in every time. They suck Rascal in, too. I've pushed him off the counter too many times this year because he thinks he's an ornament. 

I love ornaments and have collected several over the years from friends. Getting an ornament means more to me than anything else. My favorite ones are those with family pictures. Even though they have passed on, this way they are still with me. 

The larger nativity belonged to my brother. He bought it thirty years ago. It remains the dearest one I own.

If you have a home to go home to this Christmas, go! Treasure the time you have with family. You don't know what you have until it is  gone. 

Just sharing photos here. Couldn't post without adding one of my best buddy, Rascal. 


Just love this!! Wish it wasn't' so expensive!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Another Night of Sickness

Repeat last Tuesday night. Throwing up, fever and chills. Why? Who knows. I feel so alone and helpless. The wet, cold weather is beating my body to pieces today. 

I'm too sick to walk downtown to get ginger ale and tummy meds. 

Looks like another Christmas alone. Sometimes I as myself what I did to go through all of this. I feel like giving up. 

Just hoping whatever this is passes soon. Would give anything to have someone here through tough times.

Saturday, December 13, 2014


Today I have only one wish for Christmas - to pay off the $1,000 in medical debt hanging over me. The burden is so heavy. It would take a miracle to meet this need, but I believe in miracles. 

Peace is a gift.

Friday, December 12, 2014


I'm typing on my Kindle because my computer is having problems. So if I misspell a word or two, overlook it.

Yesterday was horrible. I started feeling sick around 3:00 pm. Throwing up every fifteen minutes. Lasted for four hours. My throat is still raw ad I have not slept. Fevers and chills.

An hour ago I started to feel better. 

I know what it feels like to deal with illness alone. I have also learned to take things moment by moment. It is not fair for me to expect anyone to relate to this unless they have dealt with it.

The fact remains that every person will reach a point of illness, suffering and being alone. I try to remind people not to judge someone because of their life circumstance because you are not immune to the same path. Mine started in my mid 30's. As time passes, grief, illness, being alone all become your life.

So many times I find myself saying I understand now. It took my life changing drastically to learn. 

Don't learn the hard way.

Compassion is a gift. Advice is cheap. Love instead.

When I am as sick as I have been the past two days, I remember experience is the best teacher. It softens your heart to others. I wonder time and again why suffering has been a huge part of my life. Truth is I would not have a compassionate heart without it. 

The Bible teaches sin can destroy you. I believe seeing someone in need and doing nothing is a far worse sin. 

Christmas is the hardest time of the year for me. Loss of family is magnified. So many people hurt this time of year because of lost loved ones. Time and love are far better gifts than those wrapped in paper. I yearn to go home this time of year. There is no home to return to, no family,  nothing. I cannot change this. I can love, care, listen, and be there. Small gifts but worth more than gold.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Cold and Wet!

It is a cold, wet day in Wilmore. Has been a cold, wet week. The little girl kitty hasn't moved off the end of the bed. Rascal is curled up on the sofa under a blanket. Buddy, who refuses to come inside, is curled up under a big, heavy blanket in a deep box on the covered porch. And I am typing this entry with gloves on! 

It is always colder inside my place than outside. About ten degrees colder. When the heat isn't running, there is a huge cold draft flowing through this place.

For those who suffer from systemic lupus, you probably have difficulties when it rains or turns cold. Stiff, painful joints, swollen joints, even physically sick in other areas. Moving to KY was my dream, but I think the winter months are going to be the death of me.

When I am able to stand at the sink, I keep the hot water flowing just to thaw out my hands. Eases some of the deep pain. 

This cold/wet period has put me in bed longer than I wanted to be. Just sometimes I wish I could live in a warm place without having to choose between medications, food, medical bills, etc. 

Today I think I'll just take a cue from the felines and wrap up in a warm blanket. Nothing will get done, of course, but at least I can stop suffering from the inside cold.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Christmas Wishes

I've made a Christmas list ever since I can remember. When I was a young child, my Daddy took care of it. Later my brother took care of it. It wasn't much, but I was thankful to receive anything. The year I turned 16, my brother couldn't afford Christmas. Neither could my Daddy. My brother gave me a Christmas record album that year. Being 16, I was disappointed, but we did have a Christmas dinner I will always remember. No matter what, my Daddy worked hard and provided for his family. 

I still have than record album even though I don't have a record player. It has been on my wish list for a lot of years. 

Now I'm alone. Parents gone. Brother gone. Other family members gone. Christmas is much harder to deal with as each year passes. 

This past Thanksgiving I just wanted one thing: to go home, the place where I grew up, crawl into my old bed, sleep for hours, wake up with my family there. I just wanted to go home. Sometimes what we want and long for cannot be given. When I feel so homesick I cannot stand it, I try to go back to good memories. 

This is my Christmas list. Even though it will not be filled physically, it is fun to make one each year. 

1. A record player

2. A folding kitchen cart -

My kitchen has such limited space that I don't have enough counter.

3.  A real Christmas tree -

Who wouldn't want one?! Of course I'd have to get a stand.

4.  Charms for my charm bracelet -

5. To go home. 

6.  A real Christmas dinner. 

7.  To be able to turn on the heat in the coldest days ahead. When your choice is food, medication or heat, guess which ones get cut.

It is always fun to make a list of wishes. Of course they are just that - wishes. If you ever give up on them, what a dark place it would be. 

Hope your wishes all come true this Christmas.