Friday, November 10, 2017

Winter in Fall

My joints are so swollen and sore today! Temperature is 37 degrees in Wilmore with a wind chill in the teens. Even though I had spine surgery this past July, I still have spinal stenosis. In the winter and on rainy days it narrows and causes a lot of pain. Ouch! Lupus is just not thrill to deal with. Even my hands are swollen making it hard to type. Gravity has not been a friend to me as I drop everything I pick up these days. Getting harder for me to even dress because I'm so exhausted.

Well the power chair company filled out the paper work wrong again. This time didn't put the correct date on it. My doctor is choosing a company she believes in, one that will do things correctly. She requested two chair this past September. The other lady had hers within a week. Different company made a difference. 

As for me I'm still falling every other day. Has been ten years since I could feel anything past my knees so it makes it hard to balance and walk. Since my spine issues, my left leg is numb from top of the thigh to tip of my toes. Feel like a wobbly old woman! I still have to walk a little to get the pain out of my spine. Just two steps forward and three back these days. Thankful for the rollator I have. 

So life is difficult this time of year. Lost my entire family when I was 35. Holidays are designed and focused on family. I feel the void even more this time of year. It magnifies. Don't have any desire to attend anything Thanksgiving or Christmas. Sad to say when you're alone being in a group of people magnifies the loss even more. People don't understand unless they've gone through it. Hate to be judged for how I feel even more. 

I refuse to feel sorry for myself. This year I intend to take it one day at a time just like every other day in my life. Two days a year shouldn't overwhelm someone. It all comes down to the choices you make. I choose to see holidays this year as just another day. 

Took a few photos on my walk this past week. Fall colors are beautiful. Sometimes you just have to appreciate the surroundings. No matter where you are or what your circumstances are today, take time to look at the beauty around you. God is truly the greatest artist.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Dreary Day

Temperatures have dropped dramatically. Rain mixed in has caused me to drop as well. For the past few days I've struggled with a diverticulitis attack. Today fevers and diahrea have returned. It has been a miserable day. And being alone feels magnified when I'm so sick. Wish I could go home today. Back to he south where the temperatures won't be so hard on me. But that requires a financial miracle.

Benlysta infusion and back surgeon appointments are Monday. 

Wednesday, October 25, 2017


Holidays are closer than we think. When you're alone in the world, you tend to avoid holidays since it only magnifies the losses in your life. At least it does for me. Around this time of year I tend to shut myself down, wall myself up, and endure. I know what's coming. Thanksgiving doesn't bother me much, but Christmas alone is crushing to me. I've had to endure many Christmases alone and I still hate it. 

With the holidays comes the end of the year. I spent yesterday on the phone with Medicare to try to find a part D plan that was cheaper on my medications. I take fifteen medications now. Even with slightly lower costs, it takes a big chunk out of my small fixed income. Yes I worry about it. Couldn't find a plan cheaper than I have now and their costs are doubled for next year. It may come down to me not filling some of the medications because of cost. Depressed? Yep. 

October seems to have flown by. Our weather man said we would possibly have snow flakes this weekend. Never had a white Halloween before. Temps have already nose dived here and my joints are hurting and swollen. With the rain this week added to the mix it didn't help how badly I feel today. 

Halloween is just another day to me now. All of the neighborhood kids go downtown to trick or treat so I'm not getting any candy. Will be scary movies for me. I have good memories of Halloween as a child. My brother was 13 years older than me so when I went trick or treating, he took me and then we split the candy while watching scary movies. I always think of him this time of year. The anniversary of his death is Saturday. It has been twenty three years, but feels like yesterday. I remember every detail of that day. How I miss him!

So endurance emotionally and physically are on my agenda for the next two months. Prayers and financial help sure would help.

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Monday, October 23, 2017

Just One of those Days

Ever have one of those days when you feel so antsy you'll die if you don't get out of the door? Today is that day for me. Woke up nervous. Jittery. In pain (nothing new). It is raining outside and the temperature is about to drop big time. My body is shaky. Still longing to jump out of my skin!

Moving on to the next phase. Habitat built a ramp for me a couple of weeks ago. My next door neighbor took it apart and put it together correctly and added a threshold ramp under the door. Waiting for the chair.

Monday, October 16, 2017

No to Plaquenil

I was taking plaquenil for twenty two years to help with lupus flares. I've been off of it for a year and wish I'd never taken it. That drug has all but destroyed my eyes. I have to see a Retina specialist for five years because of the damage. My eyes burn and hurt so badly from severe dry eye that my doctor said they look like dry clay with cracks. Also add glaucoma to the list. I'm on two different prescription eye drops along with tears. I'm suffering. Today was my eye appointment. Abnormal thinning of the Retina, glaucoma pressure up and was given so many drops today I'm struggling just to see anything.

Just wanted to share and hope this post stops one person from starting it. If you're on it, stop it before you end up in my shoes. Not worth it.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

A Thought from the Heart

Many times I go a week or more without seeing another person. No I don't live in the country (although I wish I did). I live in a small town with a very busy neighborhood. Many days I'm confined to bed. Having no family makes it tougher.

When I saw these little photos I thought of this: Sometimes I wish someone would hear what I'm not saying. Care enough to listen with their heart.

Remember this when you cross paths with others today. You just might be the only person they see. And if you can meet a need, do it.