Friday, January 19, 2018

Another Sick Day

Woke up very early with 103 degree temperature and painful swollen abdomen. Diverticulitis flare once again. Thought what could have caused it. Corn. Small enough to be trapped. No more nuts, popcorn, seeds, and now corn.

On days like this when it hurts all over, I wish I had someone to take care of me. Life is hard enough.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Worth The Read

We all need someone to care, to encourage us, and sometimes just take us in. Life is hard enough alone.

Luke 12:48 " whom much is given much is required."

Sunday, January 14, 2018

January Blues

The cold weather has truly brought back intense pain and is causing great stress in my life. Doesn't help being alone. Some days I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

While checking on my kitty outside on Friday I heard the familiar honking of a Canadian goose overhead. They usually travel in packs, but today it was a single goose flying circles above. I stayed there waiting to see what his next move would be. He swooped down toward the treetops and emerged with a friend. One single goose. Once they were together they flew away.

We all need someone in our lives. God made us to need each other. So what do you do when there's no one in your life to show you love and concern, encourage you, believe in you? This world is not the same anymore. Someone's word means nothing. Just a bunch of useless words. I can't tell you how many times I've encountered people whose actions and words don't match. Has made me terribly sad.

But God instilled care for one another in His creation. Even a goose wouldn't leave behind another. What has happened to mankind? Thank God for His reminders in nature.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

January Cold

I thank God everyday for many things. One is surviving another Christmas and New Years Day alone. Now looks like I'll be spending my birthday on the 20th alone (first time in many years).

Back to another bitter cold January. Was below freezing for two weeks. Two wonderful days in the 60s, now returning to another week of freezing temperatures. So thankful for my friend, Liz, for helping with some warm bedding. For two weeks I've been bed bound with Benlysta reaction, swollen joints and fever from lupus flares. Ready to give up Benlysta because I'm sick two weeks out of four. Ready to stop freezing. So ready for hope. 2017 was a bad year with three surgeries, using a rollator and now a chair, I'm hoping for a better 2018.

Here's hoping you will have a good year.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Blue Christmas

It is Christmas Eve and all I want to do is go home.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Sick Again!

Been sick all week. Thought it was a flare. Turned into diahrea and throwing up.  Feels like a match in my stomach. Haven't been out of the house since last Saturday so it can't be contagious. Don't know what is going on, but I'm miserable.

What bad timing!

Tuesday, December 19, 2017


Someone asked me what shadow falls over me during Christmas. Why is it so difficult for me to deal with this time of year. First of all I don't have any family members. Since I never married I never had children. My immediate family had all died by the time I reached age 35. So no family, very few friends (people don't tend to care about someone chronically ill), and all of these things alone are reason enough.

But past shadows fall over me bringing horrible memories of this time of year. The pain is still as fresh as it was back then.

The Christmas before my mother died brought several trips to the emergency room. She was a severe diabetic and her illness roller coasted out of control all of the time. That Christmas she was in the hospital four times with each time leaving us to wonder if the next trip would be the last. Her final trip that December forced the doctor to put her in a Nursing home, the closest one being in Ft. Gaines, Ga. She didn't want to go, but had to have constant medical care, something I could not provide. My Daddy and brother could not sign the papers because it was too much for them. So here I was at age 23 signing nursing home papers.

My mother died from heart failure due to diabetic complications one month later, two days before my 24th birthday. When she died I was home alone. Devastating. Her older sister said I was the one responsible for her death because I signed the papers. Well Mama's family wasn't filled with the nicest people.

That year was sprinkled with good and bad. I started teaching that year, but went home on weekends to care for my Daddy and his home. When Christmas rolled around again none of us cared that much to celebrate. My Daddy was overwrought with grief. On Christmas Eve I found him sitting on the edge of his bed holding a gun in his lap. He had been drinking again, something that almost destroyed our family while I grew up. He was crying and talking about killing himself. I had to be the one to take the gun away. Thankfully it wasn't too late.

Over the years I was bullied and ridiculed for not drinking alcohol. Truth is alcohol had already scarred my life through my Daddy's choices. After enduring the pain of living with an alcoholic I swore I would never touch it and stood by that promise.

But it has been extremely difficult to fight the shadows of the past. And at Christmas time they seep back in.

At this time of year people are focused on their own families. Too busy to care about the neighbor down the road who has no family. Too involved with their shopping and cooking to take time to share with a lonely soul who hurts. Spending time with someone costs no money. Take a lone soul a box of food.

As for me I can count on one hand the number of times I've spent Christmas at another person's  home this time of year. I can remember a small amount of people who made a difference in my life during the loneliest day of the year. I'm so thankful for those who cared and showed it.

Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year for a lot of people. And yes we know the reason for the season is the birth of Jesus. It is just sometimes we would like a touch of love, too, to belong, to feel like our lives matter. Please don't forget that one soul next door or down the street. Care. Just care. Maybe it will wash away those shadows of the past for one soul and you can make a difference in another life.