Monday, February 17, 2020

Asking For Prayer

This past week has been so hard on me. The pain is unbearable and nothing  seems to help. Have slept a few hours here and there.  Hoping the Benlysta infusion will help reduce the swelling and ease the pain. Infusion day is Thursday. I'm counting the hours.  I've not felt this bad in a long time. Just overwhelming. Now it is raining today. Even though I love the rain the pain it brings is ten times worse.

FYI pain this bad works on your mental health as well. Please say a prayer if you read this post.

Sunday, February 16, 2020


My experiences with the church of today have not been good. There are several instances I can share from what I've experienced over the years. Today's church is not the church Jesus told his disciples to start. Far too many prosperity gospels out there. Big time music geared toward Christians slips through the cracks as true worship to God. Casting out the wonderful old hymns based on true worship to God  makes me sick. Those were the hymns that fed the soul and showed true worship. Now there are popular songs from the radio in church. I haven't found one that stirred my soul toward worship.

Today's church has put the world inside of it. Be in the world and not of the world God told us. Instead the church has become an entertainment center and bordering on a self contained club of members. Churches that once reached out to their communities to offer food, clothing and financial help now donate money to an organization so they can deal with a need. What happened to helping those around your own front door first? They simply shut their doors of help and instructed them to an organization. So wrong.

I am not a social person. I've learned to be content alone and not by choice. It was for survival. I admired how content my father was in his later years. He had learned if you are content alone you can be content anywhere. I have finally learned to be content with what I have and who I am. Socializing does not bring me joy. Socializing at church does not make me happy. It makes me feel overwhelmed. I go to church for worship of God not trying to make people love and accept me. If you have to force yourself onto people something is wrong. I will never jump through hoops to make someone a friend. If you want to know me the door is open. Otherwise I am content. People are not the same. Just because you feel the need to go out and collect friends doesn't mean someone else feels the same way. I am blessed to know and call people my friend. The few I have are treasures to me. They know how I feel, respect my decisions and don't judge every word that comes out of my mouth. I am a broken person but the few friends I call family know who I am and love me anyway. Trust me when I say if you have to earn someone's love it isn't genuine. Learn to be content with who you are.  Most of all don't push someone to do social things. It can do more harm than good at least that has been true with me.

I wondered for a long time if what I was experiencing was a bad interpretation. The more I see and hear in church worship shows me more prosperity gospels than true God worship. Sad thing is they don't  realize it is creeping in through modern Christian music. All I can say is read the lyrics.

With my health failing I can barely sit through a church service anymore. When I do I don't sense the presence of the Holy Spirit there. The last time I did was at a healing service in Lexington. The service was held after a week of training to teach you how to receive healing. His presence was strong until the leader turned it into a prosperity gospel sermon saying there must be something wrong with your faith if you are sick.

Experienced something like it several years before when a Baptist Sunday School teacher used me as an example of not having enough faith to kick the disease I was fighting. I was too stunned to respond. I never went back. He however died a year later from cancer. If that had happened today I would have reversed that lesson to him. 

Going back further to the time I was forced into disability. I had been in and out of the hospital and ER with damaging lupus flares and simply could not work anymore. During that time I was attending the Methodist church. Had been involved with Sunday School. When word got around I was now disabled they all decided one Sunday morning to use the class time to encourage me to go to a more suitable church. One where I would feel more comfortable. I'm other words I made them feel uncomfortable. I had worked two years on staff at that church prior to all of this happening. I was a member of that church and had volunteered with the youth. Because I was a certified teacher they welcomed me then. Two events occurred to turn my welcome into a quiet dismissal. First I worked hard to have a house built for my dad and brother, both sick and dying. It was built by volunteers through Habitat including sweat and work of my own. They lived two years safely and we'll cared for before they died. However the stigma of habitat tarnished me and my family where people turned up their noses at me.   I was working at the Baptist church during that time and their judgement and attitude was the same as the Methodist church. All because I went to Habitat for help. FYI those houses are not free. I paid mine off after my dad died. But the neighborhood was so horrible and unsafe my health could not withstand the stress. 

 After both died and I became so ill from the stress my life took a downward turn. I was laid off from the church because We don't want your illness draining our healthcare. " I worked two more jobs before my rheumatologist pulled out the disability papers and have me the talk. Neither reasons should have pushed me out of either church but it did. Thank God I had a firm and strong foundation in my faith in God and not people.

Going back to the Holy Spirit I've experienced His strong presence before. The church I attended as a teen always invited his presence there. So much love in that church until the people who thought they owned it destroyed that love with hate.

I've worked several years in two different churches. One Baptist and one Methodist. I've seen and experienced the waste of tithes, judgement on people who aren't rich and financially supporting them, lack of love and support of their congregation and staff. I've seen it all. Will either destroy your faith or wake you up to the point of seeing God is real and your relationship with him does not require you to attend a man-made church. My faith in God has never been stronger. I rely on Him to live, breathe and speak through me. I'm just a shattered person living in a broken body. Just so thankful He shines through the broken pieces. My worship of Him comes every day and not just one.

Like I said before I rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit. When something isn't right He stirs inside reminding me He is the teacher. People are flawed and easily swayed especially in the church. When I have that gut feeling something isn't right I don't ignore it. I search out the truth.

I'm today's fallen world heading faster to the end you have to be discerning. Otherwise you live a lie. When you get a gut feeling something isn't right something isn't right. Explore it. Don't let others sway you. Find the truth. I can honestly say by asking the Holy Spirit to be my teacher I've been given a gift of a descerning spirit. I know when something isn't right.

Justin Peters is an honest and wonderful teacher. I have learned so much from him. God's word teaches that in the last days there will be false teachers and churches. Don't fall victim. We live in a world where some churches preach if you turn to Jesus you will gain wealth and health. That is not what God's word teaches. It is a lie and a false church.

Sharing this link because I hope it will make you aware. Listen to the videos in the link especially the second one with Justin. Inform yourself.


God gives us family of all kinds. As it is my family member is sitting inches away from me purring loudly. She adopted me almost four years ago. Showed up on my doorstep a flea bitten ragamuffin. Took her a couple of years to let me pet her. Now she curls up next to me and sleeps. That comfort is experienced both ways.

I'm thankful for Miss Bitty. She doesn't judge me, accepts me just the way I am and I don't have to earn her love like people. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with the joy of her. Had I not been so tender hearted toward your creation and cared for her I would be alone.

God gave mankind the job of caring for His creation. Not ignoring them, assuming they belong to someone else or ignoring and running them off. I'm thankful to have a sensitive living heart toward animals. If I am now allowed to care for His creation I'd rather be dead. Never will I overlook or ignore a hungry animal anymore than I would a human. It goes against every grain of my body. God put the desire to care for His creation in man. Most ignore it. I can't do that. I refuse to stand before God and give answers of why I refused to care for His creation in need.

My daddy always said you could tell a person's character by they say they treat an animal and the way an animal responds to them. He was absolutely right about that. It held true in my life. I've learned to watch how Miss Bitty responds to people.

I'm thankful for this sweet fur baby. I can only hope after I die people who do care will not throw away the one creature who has stood by me day and night but will cherish her and give her a loving home. My best friend has promised to come get her when I die. I rest in hope she will.

Just remember we are all caregivers of God's creation whether it be people, animals, plants or earth. Treat them kindly.

Spammers Not Welcome

Stop trying to sell your spam product on my channel. Comments go to holding until I see it so you will never get a second of free advertising. Then you'll be turned in as spam. Move along.

Thursday, February 13, 2020

Stress and Lupus

I've been buried in pain the past couple of weeks. It has affected my mental health as well. Bad enough this disease has stolen a great deal of my life. I feel like a prisoner trapped in a failing body that hates me. I can't do 60% or more of things I use to do. Stress just makes it worse. Just throws gasoline on an already burning failing life. I don't sleep well. I have no way to vent my feelings and nowhere to dump the pain. The closest thing I have to deal with all of it has been this blog. Now every word is being scrutinized. You know what? This is my blog and my safe spot to empty out what I'm going through. I will use it to share, express how I feel, and hope someone who finds themselves experiencing similar things can be helped as well.

This is MY blog. You have no right to pass judgement on how I feel or how I deal with my life. If you have a problem with it move on.

I am under a huge amount of stress right now. Lupus is flaring and beating me up due to it. All I need is peace and encouragement. Apparently I can't do anything right anymore. So for now I give up!

Was reading about how stress affects lupus. My doctors have all said the same thing. You HAVE to limit stress in your life. Please tell me how that is possible when the stress comes from another person! If anyone has any good advice there I would greatly appreciate it. Medical field has said for years stress can kill you. With the mountain of stress I've had to deal with over the years I should have been dead a long time ago.

I've had an aneurysm growing under my heart for awhile. Last time it was checked was two years ago. It has grown to 4.8 cm. When it reaches 5 cm surgery needs to be performed to prevent tearing (which causes instant death). With me opening my chest can cause instant death with a 75% chance. Either way I have a time bomb in my chest. It is with reason I chose a DNR. Now having complications getting one here in Iowa. I now have the correct paperwork to hopefully grant my wishes. When I go for my Benlysta infusion next week I can sign and have it notorized at the hospital. I do NOT want any life saving measures taken. If this has been on your mind I encourage you to talk to your doctor and research your state in their laws. All are different. I'll never understand why a state legalizes assisted suicides but tries to deny anyone chronically ill the right to their choices when they are sound mind. They are totally different.

Here is the link to understand lupus and stress.

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

I'll say this Once

If you can't show kindness shut up and move along. If you keep putting someone under a magnifying glass and judging them, STOP. You're not doing any good. You're just hurting another person. STOP it!

Kindness goes a long way. Try sharing it.

Monday, February 10, 2020

Facing The Facts

It has been a few weeks since an update. The cold weather here has knocked me down physically.  I only go out for doctor's appointments or grocery store.  Unfortunately my health is very bad and will continue to spiral downward.  That's just the facts. I've accepted  them and live with it everyday. Thankfully my new doctors see the fight I have to deal with and do all they can to make me comfortable. I'm just tired of fighting.

I have erosive osteoarthritis in both hands. My bones are disintegrating. I'm taking methotrexate to relieve the pain and progression. However in the winter the pain is worse. My left hand has been in a brace for a few weeks now. It is hard to use it. My MD is not allowed to give steroid injections in my wrist or hands and my rheumatologist is two hours away. My next appointment is June 2nd to see him. The pain is unbearable. I've cried every day. Didn't realize how much I used my left hand until I couldn't. If you've ever sprained your wrist it feels like that only worse with sharp pains shooting through it. I'm tired of people who have no idea what is going on passing judgement on me. I'm doing the best I can. As I've always been taught if you can't say something encouraging kindly shut up.

As always  I need prayers. It is hard dealing with people who just don't understand and would rather judge than listen.

Quite frankly I'm sick of it. I try to remember no man or woman is my judge. Only God. 

Asking For Prayer

This past week has been so hard on me. The pain is unbearable and nothing  seems to help. Have slept a few hours here and there.  Hoping th...