Thursday, July 30, 2009


During the most difficult time in my life, God sent an Angel. She helped me get into another apartment. Says so much about trusting others, especially when you've never met.

No matter what happens in life, God always sends a way. I am so thankful He sent me an Angel. So many could learn from her example....especially my church.

Moving on the 15th. Good thing. I've been sick for a week! Can't get rid of the infection set in from the tonsillitis and lupus flare.

Now trying to find $100.00 for deposit to turn on the gas for the hot water heater. I think it is definently a necessity. Don't understand how an apartment can be total electric except for a gas hot water heater!

Where I am now, the walls are dark, the surroundings are dark, and it has greatly affected my life. My new place will be all light. God opens a door....He truly does.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Thanks to the pregnant woman who lives next door and smokes all of the time, the smoke comes over here. It caused a severe sinus infection, 102 fever, and my throat closed up. Ended up at the doctors very sick yesterday. Said I had the worse case of tonsilitis he's seen in a long time. I couldn't breathe by the time my appointment rolled around.

The infection has caused a bad lupus flare. Yesterday the fever was so bad I was hallucinating: saw my dad and heard someone running through the kitchen in flip flops. Of course, there wasn't anyone there. I thought my dad had come to take me home.

She's gonna kill me from the smoke.

Back to bed.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Wishing It were NOT True

In this day and age you never know when someone is telling the truth about their situation. It makes you hesitate, question, wonder. I just wish my story WASN'T true, but it is...every word. It is so hurtful when people question whether you're telling the truth or not, but understandable. I've been lied to so many times.

But it is true. Every word. And the past few months my good beliefs in people have gone down. Just remember you could be one illness away from my life. It only takes a life long illness to wipe you out financially. It only takes one lay off to do the same, but you have hope of a new job and a better life. When you're sick and have NO family, it is so easy to give up. People treat you differently. Friends leave. Even a church cares more about those who have much than those who are hurting and in need.

I'm so thankful for the one person who reached out to me. She questioned, but still cared. I can't tell you how priceless that was. It was a gift I'll always remember.

Today I feel like people are all the same...just like the ones here. They just don't care. Sad to know I live in the "Southern Hospitality" area. Trust me, if you have nothing, southern hospitality doesn't exist.

Today I need a miracle. I'm so thankful my faith in God has not waivered.

Updated my Ebay Selling List

I updated my ebay list. Hoping it will help move me out of here:

Where My Faith Lies...

After the experiences with people I've had in the past, in the past few weeks, and days, I'm so thankful my faith doesn't lie in people, but in God.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Waking UP on a Sunday

As always, when I woke up this morning I was hit in the face with a ton of cigarette smoke. When the neighbor next door smokes, it pours over here. I've begged her three times to please smoke outside, but she has no intention of doing so. This morning it made me so sick that I threw up. I have pain in my lungs and know what's coming....lupus attack. The last time this happened, I ended up in the ER and hospital on full oxygen. That was the day they found the aneurysm underneath my heart.

There is NO insulation in this place. None. When someone smokes next door, I fills up every inch of my place. I'm so tired of being sick. Lupus flares are back to back these days. Feel so helpless because there is no one to stand up for me when I'm sick and weak. I've spent my entire life having to fight for mother's care, my dad's VA hospital care, my brother's treatments. I've had to make sure my meds were given correctly in the hospital, the nurse came when I called because there is no one else to help. Now I'm so weak that it is hard to fight. Sometimes I just wish I had one person to fight for me, to check on me when I'm so sick I can't get out of bed. My best friend is there to help me when she can, but she's like an ostrich. She sticks her head in the sand when trouble comes. I don't have anyone to stand up for me when I need someone.

It also makes me so sad to know the woman next door smokes like a chimney and is five months pregnant. I tried to explain to her the kind of damage that can happen to a baby, but she had a baby four years ago, smoked with him, and he came out just fine. She has no idea what damage has been done till he goes to school, participates in society, etc. Then again, she's lied about several things already so she could be lying about that. I have yet to see a child. When her boyfriend gets out of jail, she said he's coming to live with her. From strong sources, I found out he's a crack head. I also looked up the jail online, his name, and see he's been arrested for forgery and theft. Just what I needed! MORE stress!!

I am sad today because there is not one single soul from my church who cares enough to help me. Not one. I will never understand when someone begs for help in a situation they can do nothing about why the church ignores them. One minister has visited me in the hospital in several years. Sad. Christians are suppose to be like Christ. I know he doesn't ignore the needs of people. I'm thankful he doesn't. How ashamed he must be of his people.

I look to God for help and ask for a miracle. It will take a miracle for me to get out of this situation, a situation I did not cause. Why am I being punished? I took care of my mom, dad, and only brother when they were sick and dying. I had to bury my brother and dad. My brother took care of my mom's death. What have I done to be punished??? Dear God, please tell me.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Recovery day

Since my best friend had to drive her sick computer to FL Wednesday, I was able to go with her and get out of Dothan. First time since January. I've never been so thankful to get out of here and away from the stressful situation I'm living in. It was a drive down and back trip, but I was so glad to be out of here.

Unfortunately, with every good thing comes reaction to health. Woke up with a high fever today and swollen joints. Good things sometimes bring lupus flares. Yesterday did just that. I'm so sick today.

No change on the moving situation. I'm to the point of just giving up.

Monday, July 13, 2009

STILL Need Help to Move!

When someone walks into my place, they say "What a beautiful old apartment!" What they don't know is what I live with day to day. Mold in the bathroom, rotten wood, wiring so bad that you can't wash clothes on one side while the other side is washing. Can't turn on more than one appliance at a time. Pipes are rotten. Had to do without water three days in a row while the landlord waited to send someone to repair the pipes. Next week it was two. When you turn on the shower, more than half goes out the faucet head instead of the shower head. NO insulation. Did I mention the wiring was dangerous?! The light in the living room hasn't worked since I moved in. I almost fell through the bathroom floor before it was repaired. The landlord almost fell through the kitchen floor before he had it repaired. Found out the linoleum was the only thing holding up the floor. The bedroom ceiling fell in on me sending me to the ER with a concussion. The windows are all painted shut. Should a fire occur and I was upstairs, I would be trapped.

Now a new neighbor. We share a full wall. She smokes inside and I have begged her to smoke outside. With no insulation, the smoke pours over here. My lungs are damaged by lupus and makes me terribly sick. She told me her boyfriend is in jail. When he gets out, he will move in next door. I did some research and found out he is a crack head and was arrested for robbery and forgery. This terrifies me after a drug addict/prostitute moved in over three years ago. Took three months of police involvement before she would go. She had drugs delivered to the front door every night. Her drug friends stayed next door all of the time. She prostituted to make the rent. I ended up with a mini stroke that summer. If only the landlord would do a check on the person before they moved in. Unfortunately, as long as they give him money, they're in. Now I'm afraid, sick and stuck. If I could just get the money needed to put down deposits and move, I WOULD. How can I do this on an extremely fixed income. My rent is more than half. Utilities, LOTS of medicines, etc. take up the rest. I'm so desperate at this point I just don't know what to do.

If someone reads this post and can please help me get out of here, PLEASE, contact me. I have no one to go to.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

On Judging Others...

I am always amazed at people. When you think you've got a certain image of someone, you find out you're completely wrong. Our human nature allows us to pass judgement on others even though God says He is the judge of all. We really don't have the right to do so. Yet we find ourselves passing judgement with everyone whose path we cross.

I have encountered many different types of people from one extreme to the other. Some may dress better than others. Some may have huge homes and cars while others live with what they need. It matters not what we think of someone, but how God sees them and us. Forgive me, Lord, for judging someone because of their circumstances. Even though I worked from the time I was 16, even working my way through college, I don't have any right to judge anyone whose circumstances are different than mine. When the doctor said I could work no more, it literally shattered my life. I had just buried my dad, buried my only brother two years before and my mom eleven years before then. Seems like life just slapped me coming around every corner.

I worked so hard and took care of my immediate family even sacrificing my own chance of a husband and family of my own. When I developed a chronic illness and the extreme expense that goes with it, I felt as though I was being punished for something that I had yet to figure out.

Over the past few years it seemed as though life stopped. No one needed me anymore. I was constantly being sent for hospital tests, doctor visits, adding more medications. When the ER doctor found an aortic thoracic aneurysm growing just below my heart, I wondered then what I had done to deserve this. The aneurysm is checked once a year and has reached 4.7 cm. Surgery is required at 5.0 cm.

With each year passing, I wondered if I would ever get another opportunity in my life to make a difference. No one at my church cared enough to visit me. I could only get out for the grocery store, pharmacy and doctors. More and more I became so isolated that I wondered why God hadn't taken me Home yet. I had served my purpose. I was a teacher. I took care of my parents and brother until they all passed away before I was 35 yrs. old. I lost my health to a horrible disease. I lost my ability to get out into the world and make a difference. Those words haunt me even more as my college instilled in us to always make a difference (

I am amazed at how people's opinions of me have changed over the years simply because I am not in the working world, I struggle to make it every month, I don't dress like a professional anymore, and medications have put so much weight on me. I'm still the same person only a bit more wise from life's lessons. I always had great admiration for my father. He didn't have a high school education, but worked so hard to care for his family. He was a simple man and only lived by what he needed. Our world today says we're nothing without a large house, car, fabulous job, community (society) status. So many have worked their way up and out into the society mentality that they have forgotten what it feels like to struggle and be so tired from struggling.

When you have someone in your life who loves you, who encourages you, you are rich indeed. Without love, there is no life. How I wish many others would appreciate the one true gift from

Then God brings someone down your path who has worked hard to take care of his family, has obtained all the world has to offer, and yet is humbled because of his growing up experiences. So few forget and go on never giving back to make a difference. Today I was touched by a man whose humble beginning is still with him, whose heart appears to be as big as the world, and whose life is definitely touched by the Hand of God. I know when God blesses someone so abundantly in life's bounty as well as a loving, kind heart, He expects more from that person. My prayer is that He will indeed bless this man's life, open many doors to the lives of those around him who will be touched by his life. We are all vessels God uses to bless others whether we are aware of it or not. I am thankful God used him to remind me there are still good people who seek His will.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Being a life-long writer, you'd think words would be golden to me. As the years have passed I have learned that words are just that...words. Without any action behind them, they are merely words.

Someone promised to find a way to help me move many months ago. I actually let myself believe they were sincere and started looking forward to the help. Each week, this someone says the same thing, "I'll help you any way I can." But over time, they've become just words.

I know the Bible says faith without works is dead. Making promises to a desperate person would fall under those words.

"For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also."
JAMES 2:26

Would you give a hungry person a cookbook or food? Would you give a broken heart love or just words?

I keep thinking about the story of the Good Samaritan. So many stepped over the injured man and kept going. So many do the same thing today blaming it on a busy life. One person stopped and made a difference.

Lord, please don't allow my life to continue on this earth unless it makes a difference.

The Good Samaritan: LUKE 10:25-37

29But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbor?"
30In reply Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. 35The next day he took out two silver coins[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.'
36"Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?"
37The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

Asking for a Miracle

I need a financial miracle in order to move. With the cost of deposits and rent, it would total $900.00. Please, Lord, send help. Intervene. Let someone hear me.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Ten Years Ago Today

Ten years ago today, I met Kevin Spacey. Here's my story:

Meeting Kevin Spacey in NY "Iceman Cometh"I met Kevin Spacey on July 3,1999 in NYC after "The Iceman Cometh" on Broadway, my first and only Broadway play. We finally got tickets for my best friend and me to go see the play, "The Iceman Cometh." Let me say right now without her help this dream would never have come true. I ADORE Kevin. He's the one man who can walk into a room and literally take my breath away! We went to NY, saw the play, stood at the back of the crowd and came home the next day. I move up a few people and he leaned over my left shoulder to sign a photo. His face was two inches from mine. I nearly died. We arrived back home that Sunday and there was a message on my answering machine, "Kevin Spacey would like for you to come backstage to meet him after the play". Message was left Friday. I got it on Sunday. I live alone. There was no one home to call me and relay the message. I cried and cried as my best friend just stood there saying, "Unbelieveable!"

I had forgotten I had written a letter to the theater to see where the actors would come out for autographs. It was important that I not be exposed to the heat or if I could get there for the matinee, not be exposed to sun as it activates lupus. I had written only to inquire about the location. I told them why I needed to know as I was sick and couldn't endure the heat. The letter was passed on to Kevin. After pulling myself together from missing a wonderful opportunity, I called his assistant back and asked if we could do this again the next weekend. So my friend and I flew back to NY the following Friday.

By then I was really sick from a lupus flare and the heat and travel caused me to swell and have to use my cane to walk. I had two braces on my knees because the joints had become swollen and it was hard to walk. My meds had added weight to me and my face. I felt like an ugly duckling and was so afraid he would have that ever familiar look of fear I've seen on other people's faces, the look of "oh she's sick, don't touch". We went to the theater around 10:30 p.m. to stand near the door. When we arrived we saw Kevin looking out the door. I was terrified as it really surprised me. I tried to talk my friend into portraying me for the moment because I looked so horrible from the illness and meds. I was terrified he would walk into the room and would turn away from the sickly site of me. The man at the door said, "Oh, we've been waiting for you" and said Kevin had just looked out the back door to see if we had arrived yet.

Then I was scared. We sat in the green room listening to him give his final speech over the intercom and then he walked to the back door past us. I almost fainted. He stopped in the door and said, "Mary?" and I went deaf. I stood up, he hugged me, and we had a photo taken. Then we spent fifteen minutes with Kevin talking about life, the play, his plans later after the play, my life. He was so compassionate and understanding, hugged me twice and never once looked at me like I was a sick pathetic soul. I actually felt like Cinderella.

Before he had to go back onstage for bows, he took my hand in his and covered it with the other, held it a moment and kissed my hand and thanked me for coming all the way back from S. Alabama just to meet him. And yes, ladies, he has the most beautiful brown eyes and his hands are so large and so very soft!

I found out also that the week before he sent someone into the crowd to look for me and couldn't find me anywhere.He also left a message for me at the box office. We had tickets already so didn't need to stop by the box office. He went to great lengths for this to happen to me. I have only one regret. My friend says I'm silly, but he asked what we were doing on Sunday before leaving for home that evening. We said we were going to the museum. He said he hadn't been to the museum in a long long time. Normally, I would have said, "Come go with us", but I didn't because of whom he was. Now I regret at least not saying it....why didn't I say it?

It was indeed one of the most beautiful moments of my life and I will treasure it always. I think about it when I go for medical tests for my lupus, or am in the emergency room or hospital. That memory is my positive thought. I'll never be able to repay him for what he did for me that day. He has a wonderfully big heart, is extremely intelligent, and is so very compassionate.

Someone asked how I got the photo signed. This didn't happen till almost three years later. A friend of mine's aunt played bridge with Kevin's mom. The aunt told her my story and how I forgot to get an autograph when backstage. Mrs. Fowler told me to send it to her and she'd take care of it. I sent it, a letter to her, and a SASE envelope to return it in. About eight months later, the photo arrived back to me autographed and sent back from Kevin. So I guess this story was a Trilogy of sorts.

NEED to Move

I need $900.00 in order to move from this place. This covers deposits.

If I don't find a way to move, I will have a heat stroke! I'll be going out feet first.

Still hoping for a miracle!