Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Another Lupus day

Pain is extreme. Also have a headache three days old. Geesh! So tired of being sick. No strength. Heading back to bed.

Forgot to post my new address:

1000 S. Edgewood Dr. Apt. Y-95
Dothan, AL 36301

SO VERY thankful.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Now Fall, but 92 degrees

Even though it is officially Fall, it was 92 degrees here today. Wishing we could have four seasons instead of two: HOT and minimum cold. Wish we would have a long cold winter!!

My two cats, Rascal and Prissy, don't seem to let it affect them. Since we're in a much cooler place, they've become so playful and frisky. Rascal has become a lap cat, something he hasn't done since being a kitten. I think since they are in a cooler nicer place, they've started sleeping better and more energetic. Not back for a ten and eleven year old!

Something to Look Forward to...

Sandy has decided we should go to Savannah for Halloween. She's footing the hotel bill and we'll Burger king it as much as possible. I've always wanted to go on a Ghost walk so we're doing that, too.

Have always wanted to see Savannah, GA. So thankful to be going!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

So Tired

ght I haven't slept through the night in three days. Last night was very bad. I slept two hours after falling asleep around 5:30 a.m. The pain has been unbearable from the lupus. I've never felt this kind of pain before. The meds don't touch it.

Just want to sleep again...pain free.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I'm Mad

Had to get my flu shot for the year today. Going past my old place, I saw a pile of stuff thrown out. Everything that was in the backyard for planting, the potting table, flower pots with plants in them and a couple of my outdoor chairs I left for the next tennant, a very large tropical plant I left beside the building because it was too large to take and had grown through the pot....all had been throw beside the road for the trash to pick up. We stopped and took the two chairs and one hanging flower pot with flowers inside. I'm mad because it was all set up for a gardener. All items are in the trash and I have no room to rescue it all.

I feel like every bit of my presence has been hauled to the dumpster, thrown away as if I never lived there. Ten years. Many years before I lived there also. Nothing left.

I'm also mad because I was put in a position that forced me to have to move. The extreme heaving cigarette smoke from next door pouring into my side causing me to become sicker, renting to someone next door whose boyfriend would soon be moving in after he got out of jail for drugs, NO credit check on either of them.

I never bothered a soul. Only contacted the Clarks when something was wrong like the time the bedroom ceiling caved in on me, the sinks backed up, toilet was broken, air conditioning and heat quit working. I never bothered the neighbors. I was respectful. NONE of it mattered. None. I've been swept away. I feel as though I never mattered, left no mark.

If only they had kept the place up to date with repairs, if only they had done a credit/background check on the residents next door, enforced the no smoking as it was listed in the ad, if only they would take responsibility for THEIR actions and Do what they say they would do.....a motto they use in the business, but don't follow with their renters. I would not have been put through the horrible stress of moving, begging for help, being disappointed all over again because of the lack of care from people I knew.

With all the people who have come and gone in my life, my friends from college, church, work, etc., Why was I put in a position to beg for help? What has happened to love and care in this world? I'm so mad I'm sick and am so limited in doing what my heart longs to do. I'm so mad I can't work anymore and must struggle with counting pennies just to make it. I'm so mad my life has been reduced to having no purpose, no family, no encouragement, no love.

My mad has broken the last end of my heart and I don't know how to get it back. I've lost all faith in people and I don't know how to renew it.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Wednesday

I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. With lupus, insomnia is frequent. I've run the gammut: moving stress, swine flu, very bad lupus flare, and now insomnia. Fevers have returned, too.

I'm so very thankful for the new place where I live. However, life is the same. Being alone is so stressful on its own. Being sick so much, my views are of my bedroom or livingroom. The heat outside is still bad (add on humidity and high dew point) and when I get hot, I'm sick! It is so much cooler here, but when humidity and dew point soar, I get hot. Still longing to live where all four seasons are present and the heat isn't bad in the summer. The pressure cooker that is S. Alabama is miserable.

Still have boxes in the spare bedroom. If I unpack one box a day, I'm happy. Right now it is all I can do.

I miss my health. I miss being able to go to work, have a purpose in life, have a reason to get up. I miss my family so much. Heaven is only a breath a way, but seems like a million miles when you've lost all of your family.

Still struggling financially. The meds, medical bills, etc. always drown me each month. The only thing that doesn't cost money is dreaming. I dream of a home of my own, clean, decorated, warm in winter and cool in summer. A home in the country or at least outside of the Dothan circle. I still feel trapped in this town. The commission raises costs of everything. They are not wise stewards of the money God gives them. In the end, we pay and pay and pay.

I'm so thankful it is Fall. Just wish the temps would catch up with the season. Won't really cool down here till late October. Looking forward to curling up under blankets.

I am so thankful for Jill. Without her, I wouldn't have been able to move into this new place. I'm thankful for Shirley and Lynn helping me with a moving van. That made the whole world difference.

If only I could get rid of this disease. I ask my doctor where his magic wand is. He wishes he had one. I just want a life again...