No Holidays are not has happy for some. We wake up and no one is there. Go about our day and no one is there. When we go to the store and see people shopping, wishing others happy thanksgiving, just makes that empty and alone feeling even deeper.
People mean well. They bring you food. They invite you to their family gatherings. I appreciate the effort, but let me tell you that it just makes me miss my own family much more. I spend Thanksgiving in tears when I go to someone else's home.
You never get over the loss of your loved one, especially when you've lost so many people like I have. You just learn to live with it. At the holidays the loss is just magnified and the pain is deeper than you could ever imagine. When you lose a loved one, you join the club. You realize what the empty, sad feeling is all about during the holidays. Others don't understand until they have a loss close to them. I feel like my heart has an anchor pulling it to the bottom of the sea.
I use to make a wish list for Christmas and give it to my brother. He was the go to person for the holidays. Now there's no one to give my wish list to. So I write it here and hope he sees it. Unfortunately, my wish list has turned to a need list.
NEED LIST TO MY BROTHER IN HEAVEN
Okay, you funny brother, I'm doing it again! How I miss following this crazy tradition with you. I'd give you a list and you'd laugh. I'd get maybe one thing on the list, but it was the tradition of the list that was important to me. So I'm carrying on the tradition here.
I remember the one Christmas when there was no money at all. You gave me a record, the only thing you could afford. That was the only gift I received that year. I was a Junior in high school. Then I was devastated. Now I see the sacrifice of what you did and the love behind it. I still have the record although I don't have a record player. That record is a symbol of your sacrifice that Christmas.
Here comes the list. Sending it to Heaven:
I need a small record player to play that record you gave me (see above).
I need a house, one I can live in outside the circle of Dothan, in a quiet place where there is no traffic or neighbors. One level so that I can get around easily. Quiet so that I can finally write again. I need to be happy. Oh how I wish I could wake up in a house of my own in a very quiet place and feel at home!
Since I'm stuck in an apartment, I need a storm door with glass that raises so that I can have fresh air come into this apartment. You can't raise windows and walk away. Since I'm ground floor, someone can crawl in. Storm doors can be locked and the window on them raised so that fresh air comes in.
So, my dear brother, since you are in Heaven and hopefully can read my wish list this year, I have some wants, too. I want an old vintage pie safe. I don't have space for dishes and have wanted a pie safe ever since grandma had one. But they are so expensive now. Top of my want list is a vintage pie safe.
Second on my want list is a big chair with ottoman. My sofa and loveseat are wearing out fast. It is hard to get up and out now that my body is consumed with arthritis and I have to pull myself up and steady with a cane. I want a big chair to rest in, an ottoman to raise my feet since they swell so badly from this horrible disease and the ton of meds I take. I guess it would also fall in need list.
I can hear you laughing now, my dear brother, for you could never fill the want or need list when you were here on this earth. The one wish I would put to the very top would be to have you, mama and daddy home with me for Thanksgiving and Christmas. But your home in Heaven is far better than this earth. I miss you, my dear brother, and long to see you again. Hoping the years won't be long before I am blessed to be "home" with you, mama and daddy.