Saturday, January 30, 2010

49.......and counting

Day to day....49.....and counting to what? More illness? More decline due to illness? Since first diagnosis, I've faced so many complications, hospital stays, tons of medications. I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not having a quality life. I so long to go back to school, but how could I do that? Where would I get the funds to get the one thing I desire the most....a master's degree.

I use to write for hours. Fill so many books with thoughts. Then I was living. Had a quality of life. Now I'm just tired. So very tired. So tired of being alone. So trapped in a place (meaning town and state) I don't want to be in. Sometimes wishing this horrible disease would kill quickly instead of a slow mentally painful death.

But today I woke up and could not get out of bed for an hour. I could not walk across the room. I just cried because there was no one there to call for help. I had to lay back down and wait till my strength was regained, the swelling went down and I could stand up without falling. Two sweet furballs curled up next to me to remind me I was still there for some reason.

God, hear my cry. Please get me out of here or take me out of HERE.

Friday, January 22, 2010


Is it chemically as diagnosed by the doctor? Is it birthday? Is it loneliness? I don't know. Just depressed.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

A Quiet Lonely Day

So far it has been a quiet and lonely birthday. Diane came in and cleaned for me. She needed to talk today so I listened.

I think I'm going to sleep for awhile. These meds just make me so tired.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Still a Struggle

A New year....still a struggle. Cost of meds went up. Med insurance went up. Too expensive to turn on the heat even though it has been below freezing for two weeks here. The rent is a tad cheaper, but income did not go up. Just the cost of living and everything else. Still counting every penny. Why does illness have to be so expensive??

Would love to have a miracle.

Remembering My mother

On Monday, Jan. 18th, my mother died 25 years ago. I can't believe it has been 25 years. I was home alone when the call came from the nursing home, where she had been for a few short weeks. She died two days before my 24th birthday. I spent that day in the funeral home. They buried her on the 21st.

She suffered so much from diabetes which led to her death at age 64. From a person whose entire childhood involved looking after a mother who was sick from this disease, please please please take care of yourself if you have a family.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

49 and Counting

I can't believe I'm almost 49. On Jan. 20th, I'll be 49.....49! Why don't I feel like 49??? Some days I feel like 149, but most of the time I don't. I don't always recognize the person in the mirror looking back at me, but just to think I'm almost 50 makes my head hurt.

Still have to jump the memory hurdle of Jan. 18th...the day my mother died. I remember spending my 24th birthday at the funeral home. My brother and dad decided to have the funeral the day after my birthday on the 21st. Her birthday is the 25th.

So many days stacked on top of each many memories tangled together.

SO Thankful!

It is in the low 20's here tonight. It was 39 here today. I am so very very thankful NOT to be living on Laurel Ave right now. If I were, I'd be literally freezing to death. The dominoes would surely have fallen as well....heat break down, pipes burst, my system hits the lowest point, lupus flare, hospital stay.

Tonight I am sitting at the computer where I can type and FEEL my fingers. I'm not freezing. The cats are curled up on my bed. It may be warmer here, but I still have my heated mattress pad on the bed. They aren't stupid!

I'm so thankful God sent me good people to rescue me from the horrible living situation I was in.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A Nice Treat and Getaway

Thanks to a wonderful friend, a friend and I were able to go to the beach for a few days. He and his wife have a time share on the beach and were unable to go. Since it was paid for, they offered it to us. Was so nice to be able to spend time away from Dothan. The waves have such a healing property to them. I could sit on a balcony and let those waves wash away all the problems in the world, the pain in my body, the illnesses I fight on a daily basis.

It was terribly cold on the beach. While walking, picking up shells, etc., the wind cut right through my jacket. It was so bitter cold that I found a hat before going out again. When my fingers thawed out, the pain was intense. I can't remember fingers feeling like that before. Good thing I don't have much feeling in my feet.

Walking back to the condo, I passed the outdoor pool. Two seagulls were taking a bath. I stood there watching them for a long time. They didn't let me bother them. They just enjoyed their bath.

If I could go to the beach once a month and sit among the healing waves, what a wonder my soul and body would behold!