Saturday, January 30, 2010

49.......and counting

Day to day....49.....and counting to what? More illness? More decline due to illness? Since first diagnosis, I've faced so many complications, hospital stays, tons of medications. I'm tired. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not having a quality life. I so long to go back to school, but how could I do that? Where would I get the funds to get the one thing I desire the most....a master's degree.

I use to write for hours. Fill so many books with thoughts. Then I was living. Had a quality of life. Now I'm just tired. So very tired. So tired of being alone. So trapped in a place (meaning town and state) I don't want to be in. Sometimes wishing this horrible disease would kill quickly instead of a slow mentally painful death.

But today I woke up and could not get out of bed for an hour. I could not walk across the room. I just cried because there was no one there to call for help. I had to lay back down and wait till my strength was regained, the swelling went down and I could stand up without falling. Two sweet furballs curled up next to me to remind me I was still there for some reason.

God, hear my cry. Please get me out of here or take me out of HERE.

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