Thursday, May 27, 2010

Sick Sick Sick!!

Need I say More? I'm so tired of being sick! Just got over third round of sinus infections, bronchitis, lupus flares...in that order. Now I'm back to lupus flares from being exposed to the heat. It is already in the 90's here with high humidity. Summer always makes me so sick. I can handle winter better, but summer activates my lupus and I can barely function. I'm stuck in bed. Hard to concentrate to read when the meds you're taking make you so tired and spaced. I've dropped my book so many times I can't keep up which page I was on. I don't remember the next day what I read the day before.

My joints are so swollen it hurts to walk. Turning over in bed hurts as well. The air has to run a long time. Two fans go in my bedroom. The meds raise my body temperature. I'm so tired of being sick. Another reason why it would benefit me to move out of the deep south and back to KY. The brick wall remains....cost.

Since my hands are now swollen from typing, I must close the post. Still holding on and praying for a miracle, an open door to move north.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Thinks I've Learned

When you're literally alone in the world, and I mean alone, you learn more about people than you care to learn. I've learned Christian people are far more judgemental and cruel than those who haven't claimed just having a label of Christian. Church people can be the worse. Their word is not their bond. Promises are just words. Church has become a place of entertainment and social hook ups. The experiences I've had over the years at local churches would curl your hair!

If you don't know how it feels to be alone, have no family left in the world, are sick and alone 90% of the time, don't tell that person it is their fault. It is so easy for someone to judge another instead of ask why. Shouldn't a person see someone who is alone and sick and want to reach out to them? Shouldn't they want to listen and not tell them how wrong their life is and that's why they're sick? These same people have family coming and going from their place all of the time. They have a constant stream of love. How can someone who is blessed with this kind of security understand what it feels like to be alone and void in the world, to exist and have no one to hug them? How can they understand what it feels like to have no one tell them how much they love them, have a phone call during the day, get a knock on the door? If you haven't been there, how can you understand?

I learned this. If you can't understand, you can listen. You can hug. You can love. You can be there. Don't wait till Christmas as a jesture.

Today I realized I haven't seen another soul since last week. I don't know what I'd do without my cats. It is already high 90's here, way too hot for me to get outside. Stuck inside makes it worse.

When I check back on my site and see "idiot" responses from people who just don't have a clue, it doesn't anger me as much as it hurts. When did people become so hateful and cruel? If you don't want to read my site, move on. If it helps, I'm glad. You are reading about the life of a once active, educated, woman who burned the candle at both ends until the horrible stress of death wiped out her family and then causing a horrible disease of lupus to surface. It changed my life to an existence. When you walk down my path, leave judgement. Otherwise, just read. Life is too short to read hateful messages.

Life is too short. I realize it would take divine intervention to be able to move back to Wilmore because of the sheer cost of moving and not having the funds to do so. But if I could live the remaining years of my life and not exist, it would be in Wilmore.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

End of the Month

With a new medicine added to the ever growing list, I now have no money to buy groceries till June 3rd. I can always make do but not my kitties. Just hate having to take so many meds each month. The weight gain they've caused, the extreme fatigue, the changes to my life in not so good ways...yet they keep me alive. I wonder sometimes if the good outweighs the bad.

I had to set aside two prescriptions this month not to refill. Just too much month and not enough money.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Sun and Lupus

Last week I was exposed to sunshine and had fevers of 102 degrees for days. By the end of the next week, I was able to go outside again. When I did, party animals upstairs brought out their druggies and stressed me out. Yes, when I feel unsafe I am afraid. When I get stressed, another flare hits. The office manager just made it worse. I would never recommend living in this complex. You're not allowed to defend yourself. You have to be a select few to get anything done. You have to be a minority to have the manager believe anything you say.

So it put me down again. High fevers of 102, swollen joints, etc. Stress is triggered and triggers a lupus flare. I've had chest pains for days. My digestive system has come to a halt. Friday night I stood in the shower and just cried. Another trigger for lupus. Saturday I went to the art class and realized I just wasn't good at it if I was sick. More stress. Came home and was so sick I couldn't sleep. Throwing up. Now have lupus sores all over me.

This morning I slept in. Got up to eat something and feed the cats. Went down again and slept for a few hours. Having lupus is like living in a four wall bedded prison. They can only treat the symptoms. No cure. My doctors just go through the motions. I feel like I'm just going through motions.

IT makes a difference if you have a family member or friend who loves you. If you feel loved, your life is worth it. Void of love, your health is worse. Mine is void.