Thursday, June 17, 2010

Left Arm Braced

Two weeks ago, I sprained my left arm and hand. Still to this day to not know how I did it. Still I went to my last art class the following Saturday morning. As the day went on, the pain worsened and my arm and hand swelled. By 3:00, I went to the ER and waited for five hours to have it checked while Sandy visited with her family...her dad being in the hospital. I went through five ice packs while waiting.

Finally going back, I only saw a physician's assistant...what is healthcare coming to? He didn't have a clue as to what was wrong. Said my hand was too swollen to tell if there was a stress fracture. Said it was probably sprained. Thanks. I figured that out on my own. So much pain in 24 hours and I still had to ask for something for the pain. NOT impressed. Noticed they didn't give me an opinion form to fill out this time. Just as well.

Went to an orthopedic doctor last Wednesday. Said I had a severe sprain. Brace for twelve weeks. Such joy. Hard to do anything without my left hand even though I'm right handed. Makes me appreciate them both now! Arthritis and lupus are taking over the joints in both hands. Just can't help but wonder if both have done something to my left hand to make it so bad.

I see my rheumatologist this week. I trust him. Praying he finds out what's going on.

So many times I wish I had family left, someone just to be there to help me do things I can no longer do. I wish I had a church whose members did care, who visited, who reached out beyond their own doors. This horrible disease is taking its toll on my life. I don't know how much longer I can bear the struggle.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I Understand Now

When I was taking care of my dad and working full time, it was hard. It was also after my only brother died at age 46 of cancer and I had been diagnosed with systemic lupus. I was exhausted, frustrated, and sick. Add to it having to beg my dad to please change clothes so that I could wash them. He didn't understand why he had to change clothes when he didn't go anywhere and they weren't dirty. But he would finally do it and said he felt better.

It progressed to me begging him to please take a shower after days of not doing so. I told him it would make him feel better. He would finally give in and do it. I could not understand why he wouldn't just do all of those things automatically.

Now that my lupus has progressed and I'm having to count every hour in my strength, I understand. I'm too tired to stand in the shower. It wipes me out. I reach the point I have to do it, but it is now a struggle. I understand about wearing clothes a couple of days in a row, especially when I'm not going anywhere. Most days it is easier to stay in the same night gown and not change into anything else. I am just too tired.

Yes, taking a shower and changing my clothes always make me feel better, but the struggle is hard. I don't have anyone to remind me I'll feel better. I don't have anyone to be there in case I fall or pass out.

Yes, daddy, I understand now. You never said anything about me understanding, but I wanted you to know I do.