Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I Understand Now

When I was taking care of my dad and working full time, it was hard. It was also after my only brother died at age 46 of cancer and I had been diagnosed with systemic lupus. I was exhausted, frustrated, and sick. Add to it having to beg my dad to please change clothes so that I could wash them. He didn't understand why he had to change clothes when he didn't go anywhere and they weren't dirty. But he would finally do it and said he felt better.

It progressed to me begging him to please take a shower after days of not doing so. I told him it would make him feel better. He would finally give in and do it. I could not understand why he wouldn't just do all of those things automatically.

Now that my lupus has progressed and I'm having to count every hour in my strength, I understand. I'm too tired to stand in the shower. It wipes me out. I reach the point I have to do it, but it is now a struggle. I understand about wearing clothes a couple of days in a row, especially when I'm not going anywhere. Most days it is easier to stay in the same night gown and not change into anything else. I am just too tired.

Yes, taking a shower and changing my clothes always make me feel better, but the struggle is hard. I don't have anyone to remind me I'll feel better. I don't have anyone to be there in case I fall or pass out.

Yes, daddy, I understand now. You never said anything about me understanding, but I wanted you to know I do.

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