Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Remembering my Dad

His birthday....would have been 89 years old. If he had lived, he would be home tilling in his garden. I'd be right there with him. Someone said they guess you never really get over losing someone. You don't, especially when you've lost your entire family.

I've learned so much since they've passed. One thing is they were right. It is very hard to find someone who cares about you. If you're not part of someone's family, you might as well be dead. I never thought I'd feel that way, but I do.

It has been days since I've seen another person. Been sick in bed. How I wish my life would change for the better.

Wednesday I head back to the hospital for more tests. Overnighter again.

Friday, August 27, 2010


Last night I slept long enough to have a dream and actually remember it. I dreamed I moved to a house, a small one with two bedrooms and one bath. IT was so quiet around the house, no others close by. Standing in the kitchen I could look outside the window while washing dishes at the sink. It was a picture window or at least it was to me, for the picture was trees, flowers, birds, squirrels and everything made by God. There was a small screened in porch on the back. Rascal loved it because he could smell the fresh air and still be safe behind the screen. An old swing was the only furniture on the porch. It was the only thing the porch needed. When I walked outside, I saw a vegetable garden in the back and flowers all around. There were peonies and hydrangeas, rose bushes and wildflowers everywhere. On the small front porch were two rocking chairs. I sat outside when the day came to an end and watched God's hand bring the night sky to life. It had been so long since I was able to see the stars.

Now if only this dream would come true...

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Last night I checked into the hospital for a combination of tests. They wanted to test my pain levels, my lack of sleep, function of limbs, etc. etc. Lupus has caused so much damage that I can function on my own, but only because I have to. The people there were so very nice and kind to me. When I awoke this morning, they brought me a breakfast in. I was surprised by it as I had expected to be awakened and told to dress, sign papers and go home. For the first time in years I felt rested and at peace.

I could tell them the whys of lack of sleep....boom cars all night by my bedroom window, stress of a horrible landlord, unsafe living conditions, stress causing lupus flares. Lupus flares cause extreme pain and insomnia. Joints swell and keep me from being able to sleep or walk or even function. It is a vicious cycle. I've told my doctors this all before, but they insist on medical tests. If only they would listen. I understand why people commit suicide. Afterwards their loved ones and friends say they don't understand or didn't see it coming. I think they just didn't listen. I've cried help, screamed help, and no one listens. I will never judge another for the act of suicide no matter how wrong I think it is. I understand what it feels like to be trapped inside a body that doesn't work, having no one to talk to, no family to support me emotionally, no body of support, no spiritual support. I can't remember the last time I received a hug.

I wish they would have had me fill out a form asking me what I thought caused all the complications. I would have listed it as follows:

1. Loud boom cars at night keep me awake. 2. Obnoxious neighbor who harasses me stresses me out. 3. Pathetic landlord does not want to deal with obnoxious neighbor so she harasses me to get me to stop by taking away my rights or she will evict me. 4. Stress causes lupus flare. 5. High fevers set in, joints swell, can't walk, can't sleep. 5. Insomnia sets in. 6. Exhaustion builds up causing more fevers, swelling and extreme pain no pain medicine will touch. 7. Wishing I could unzip my body and crawl out! 8. Praying God sends an Angel to help me find a home that is safe, quiet and peaceful.

Hanging on by a fingernail.

Since they put all of the electrodes in my hair and on my face and legs, I had to take a shower to get the goo out. So now I'm going to bed to try to release the pain that has built back up since I've returned here.

Oh, Father, please send me help to get out of this horrible situation. Open a door for me to have a home in a quiet, safe place, preferably not in Dothan or Alabama. Send me your Angels to protect me.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Hospital Again

Heading to the hospital tomorrow night for tests. Such joy. Overnight again. Poor Rascal will have it to himself.

One step at a time.

I read this statement on a wall today. It was about being unreasonable. "I had a friend who had a $200.00 ticket to England and she offered to sell it to me. I wanted to go! I didn’t have $200.00 but that didn’t stop me. My family didn’t have a whole lot of money. I had just paid for a ticket that winter break to go to England. I could barely make the money to pay for college and supplies. That didn’t stop me. I was unreasonable and was determined. I asked around for ideas. I knew I didn’t know anyone who could lend me $200.00 or 2 people who could lend me $100.00 bucks…. but what my friends pointed out to me was that I knew 200 people who could give me $1.00. So, I was unreasonable and asked 200 people for a dollar. In the end I got $225.00." I've never thought of it like that.

Maybe I could be unreasonable and ask anyone who reads my post to send me $1.00 to meet the need of $800.00 so that I could move out of the place I'm in right now. It will take $800 for deposits alone. Miracles come a step at a time.

Going Downhill Fast

Well, it seems I made a huge mistake when I moved into the apartments where I live. Turns out the owner, who lives in Miami, won't let the management staff here even have the backed up pipes cleaned out unless they call him first. They are now extremely limited on what repairs they can and cannot do. I have not seen one pest control person in a year.

My kitchen sink backed up Tuesday night, water and soap suds everywhere. I was mopping for an hour to get it all up. Plunging, too. I called the office Wednesday morning. She said, "I'm sorry. You'll just have to deal with it. The maintenance man is out of town till Monday." A professional complex would have called a plumber. Now this sink has backed up on me at least once a week since I've been here. She blames it on the apartment upstairs using too much soap or washing clothes at the same time, neither of which makes any sense. The lady upstairs has been here eight years and says that's ridiculous, too.

Today my bathtub and toilet backed up all over the floor. A large roach was swimming in the bathtub water. I mopped and mopped. This has gone on now since Wednesday. My neighbor upstairs knocked on my door and asked me if I was having any problems with drains and I told her what had happened. She said she went to the office and told her that the drain pipe in front of our air units was overflowing and needed to be cleaned. She told her she couldn't do anything until Monday when the maintenance man came back. My neighbor took me around to show me where the top was off and poop and toilet paper was all over the ground. A feminine pad was right beside it all. This is extremely unsanitary and and no one should have to live like this.

Of course, the more you complain, the office writes you up and eventually sends you packing.

My lease comes up for renewal this Monday and I would give anything in this world to be able to afford a move to another place. But I can't afford it and can't do it by myself.

Prayers are needed....guidance would be appreciated, but I need action.
Thanks so much.

Dying from the inside

Before anyone asks what this has to do with lupus, the stress has caused a tremendous amount of flares which have caused internal damages that are irreversible.

Here's another update...the sewer pipe was washed out and repaired early Monday morning. This was after a backed up toilet, sink, and tub for a week. Now I've got another situation. If I ever needed the power of your prayers, it is now.

When I moved in, there was an Hispanic family in the section to the left of my apartment. They are still there. I had an encounter when he was blasting music from his place and I asked him to please turn it down. He acted like a jerk and chewed me out causing me to have to call the police. The next day the office manager told me he had gone in the office complaining about me. So starts the battle. He has tried to run over me twice while I walked to the mailbox, lied about my actions to the front office, etc. The latest occurred Wednesday night when I was on the computer and he was yet again blasting his car stereo out in the parking lot. This time I could hear it all the way through my apartment. So I walked five steps outside my door and asked him to turn it down. He just threw up his arms and walked away. I walked back in and slammed my door. The noise literally makes me physically ill.

Now everyone hates it. No one will say anything because they know she won't do anything but make them feel bad. A lady's son did go the Monday after that police incident and complain about him, but she told me I was the only one.

Today the office manager comes to my door and tells me he complained about me again and I was given a warning. I brought up about the no loud noises in the lease and she says, "Whose to say what is a loud noise and what is not?" I told her it bothered me and that should be enough. I told her the city even says that is a loud noise because there is a city ordinance. I explained how this makes me sick and the only problem I have with the guy. I'm always nice about it and he's a jerk. I never say a word otherwise. I'm the one getting a warning (which goes down in my file) and he gets to do whatever he wants. Now this for asking the guy to turn down his music.

In November, they had chickens in a 100 apartment complex. There are three senior adult apartments around his and he had chickens in the yard. NOT good. Then he put them in cages so tight they weren't even able to move. So I called Animal control. I couldn't let animals be abused like that. I asked them NOT to use my name because of the way the office situation was. Turns out the city has no law about barn animals so it took some getting around to get the animals out of the complex. Ridiculous. There was chicken poop on the concrete walkways underneath his place where people were walking. It was just nasty. She said the chickens weren't doing any harm to anyone and he could have kept them. I just thought what a nasty situation. Oh yes, they told the office I was the one who called animal control.

There was a Hispanic couple upstairs from me for about six months. They had parties every week. When I was outside sitting in my area, they were smoking marijuana and I could hear the guys coming out ordering drugs, watched the men drop off the drugs and take the money, and go about their business. I asked about the guy upstairs, but she said it was only one. I knew there were four others. She doesn't want to deal with people so she doesn't.

The girlfriend parked her car in front of my bedroom window on a Saturday morning and turned the music wide open while she washed the car. I went outside and told her to turn it down. She got mad, ran up the stairs and slammed the door. The next day I get a warning for "harassing" the girl. Was also told I "Harassed" the company the guy had. We spoke in passing because they were always there. So now there are TWO warnings in my file. One for harassing the girl and his friends and the other for telling the guy to turn down the music.

I've never had any kind of problems like these before. When you're a quiet person, live quietly, and a good life, you never ever expect someone to hit you like this. I told her I'd move today if I had the money. She said she didn't want me to move, but I told her she had to stop scarring my record over this petty stuff that wasn't true.

So now my nerves are a mess. I was already sick this week from stress and this just topped the cake. My doctor always says your environment will help or hurt your condition and right now this environment is killing me. As for prayers, I just keeping asking God to help me. I so wanted to live life to the fullest before I left this earth, but this place is going to take me out feet first before I get a chance to do so.