Last night I checked into the hospital for a combination of tests. They wanted to test my pain levels, my lack of sleep, function of limbs, etc. etc. Lupus has caused so much damage that I can function on my own, but only because I have to. The people there were so very nice and kind to me. When I awoke this morning, they brought me a breakfast in. I was surprised by it as I had expected to be awakened and told to dress, sign papers and go home. For the first time in years I felt rested and at peace.
I could tell them the whys of lack of sleep....boom cars all night by my bedroom window, stress of a horrible landlord, unsafe living conditions, stress causing lupus flares. Lupus flares cause extreme pain and insomnia. Joints swell and keep me from being able to sleep or walk or even function. It is a vicious cycle. I've told my doctors this all before, but they insist on medical tests. If only they would listen. I understand why people commit suicide. Afterwards their loved ones and friends say they don't understand or didn't see it coming. I think they just didn't listen. I've cried help, screamed help, and no one listens. I will never judge another for the act of suicide no matter how wrong I think it is. I understand what it feels like to be trapped inside a body that doesn't work, having no one to talk to, no family to support me emotionally, no body of support, no spiritual support. I can't remember the last time I received a hug.
I wish they would have had me fill out a form asking me what I thought caused all the complications. I would have listed it as follows:
1. Loud boom cars at night keep me awake. 2. Obnoxious neighbor who harasses me stresses me out. 3. Pathetic landlord does not want to deal with obnoxious neighbor so she harasses me to get me to stop by taking away my rights or she will evict me. 4. Stress causes lupus flare. 5. High fevers set in, joints swell, can't walk, can't sleep. 5. Insomnia sets in. 6. Exhaustion builds up causing more fevers, swelling and extreme pain no pain medicine will touch. 7. Wishing I could unzip my body and crawl out! 8. Praying God sends an Angel to help me find a home that is safe, quiet and peaceful.
Hanging on by a fingernail.
Since they put all of the electrodes in my hair and on my face and legs, I had to take a shower to get the goo out. So now I'm going to bed to try to release the pain that has built back up since I've returned here.
Oh, Father, please send me help to get out of this horrible situation. Open a door for me to have a home in a quiet, safe place, preferably not in Dothan or Alabama. Send me your Angels to protect me.