Thursday, September 23, 2010

Where is Fall???

The heat is still horrible here. Was 95 yesterday. Humidity is still thick as pea soup. I'm so looking forward to getting out of this horrible heat. It affects the lupus so much. Just crushes me into a ball of pain. Can't function at all. How I wish I could live in a place with all four seasons, but a mild summer. Why must everything cost money?

I've stopped dreaming. I use to dream every day, believe anything could be possible. Until Lupus. The monster stole more than my health. It stole my friends, my strength, my ability to write, to concentrate, to live. Some days I think it isn't worth the fight anymore. No one cares. No one needs me anymore. My family has passed. Why am I still here? Today is one of those days. I'm struggling to find the strength just to stand in the shower today.

I started sleeping with a cpap machine. How on earth does anyone sleep with one of those things? I changed masks to something that fits better, but it still is hard for me to sleep with it. But then again the lupus pain keeps me awake. So in the afternoons I try to rest while wearing it just to adjust to the thing on my face. Since I don't sleep, it doesn't affect my sleep at night. It would help greatly if Rascal would stop waking me up twice in the night just to be petted.

Today I'm having a hard time just breathing. It is something no one thinks about doing. We just breathe. But I'm having a hard time breathing in and out. It hurts.
I cannot wait till the air cools down and I can breathe in fresh air. But living where I do, I can't go outside for long. Otherwise I would be accused of "harassing" the hispanic man in the other section. I'm so tired of being bullied. I'm so tired of being alone and sick.

If there is a reason to be on this earth I wish someone would tell me what it is.

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