Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Pain Pain Pain

Today's temp broke records compared to the mid '80's. Was 89 degrees with high humidity. With rain going in and out, my pain is extreme. Weather is beating me up. Feels like I've been hit by a Mac truck today. We need rain so badly and I would welcome it, but it is as if the clouds just spit our direction merely to make us miserable.

Wednesday is colonoscopy prep day for me. No food tomorrow, just the liquid gook they give you to drink. I have to be at outpatient surgery at 7:00 a.m. Thursday morning. My last test showed precancerous polyps. That was almost a year and a half ago. Could not do a follow up until insurance paid for it. Who knows what they will find this time. I don't really care anymore. I just want to get it overwith.

Still not sleeping. My sinuses are infected and can't wear the cpap hose to breathe. Keep waking up sneezing. So tired...so very tired.

It is hard to explain to anyone who does not understand how it feels to be alone, totally alone. There is no comfort when you're sad, no encouragement when you need it, no "wow, you're really talented" to keep you going. Just silence. No love. No anything. Pain only scratches the surface of how hard it has been. I can only pray God will drop the walls of isolation and give me a small amount of freedom to breathe. I miss being able to sit on a porch and feel the breeze blow through my hair. I miss fresh air. I miss feeling safe. If I could explain where I am right now in my life I'd say I was in the farthest dark corner I've ever been just hoping and praying God would send a hand of compassion to me.

And if only there was a zipper installed on our bodies...it would surely help to step outside of this horrible pain.

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