Sunday I found a single carnation in a vase and a card outside my door. It was from my church. Once a year someone brings a flower. Once a year.
When I'm sick, no one calls. When I'm in the ER, no one comes. When I'm in the hospital, no one visits. This is over several years now. My health has steadily gone down. I'm stuck inside more than I ever have been in the past. If it were not for Sandy, I'd never get out. Then again, the majority of my outings are to do the doctor, hospital and grocery.
No one encourages me. No praise for doing something right. No hugs. No laughter. No family. No group of friends. And now the holidays are hitting me hard. I have no desire to put up a tree this year. No desire. Already the Christmas and Thanksgiving shows and commercials are invading the air ways. I change the channels with light speed. I wish I could make the holidays go away.
This year is hard. It has been horrible. The last thing I want to do is celebrate it, stand in someone's home for an hour and "pretend" to be a part. I don't need a family for an hour a year. I need a family 365 days a year. Why is that so hard to understand? Compassion, love, encouragement. I feel more empty than I've ever felt before. If I were attached to a plug, I'd pull it from its source.
What would help me live? Move from the place where I am right now...help to do it. A place to live. A safe place. A quiet place where I can write again. A miracle. I guess it would take a miracle.