Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Lupus Sores

Joy of joys! Two days ago I woke up with sores in my mouth. Lupus sores! The pleurisy started up a flare which gave me sore in my mouth. They feel like fever blisters on the inside of my lips all the way around my mouth. When rubbed up against my teeth, I want to scream in pain. Not much you can do for this except treat with peroxide. Hard to brush my teeth because the toothpaste makes the sores hurt so badly, so it is plain water brush and mouth wash. I've been told by doctors people with lupus have dental problems and I've had my share. Unfortunately, Medicare doesn't cover dental and of course my income isn't enough to pay a dentist. I broke a tooth three months ago and the pain has been horrible. Part of me wishes the nerve in that tooth would die already.

Rain moved in yesterday. Anyone with lupus will tell you the pain is bad when the rain and cold move in. For me it feels like an elephant has taken up residence on my chest. I haven't been able to do much of anything today. I had to force myself to put things on ebay only because I need the money to pay for meds this month. It takes a lot of work to list on ebay now and it is a gamble in this economy whether or not you sell anything. If I'm lucky I'll at least sell one of the nine items I listed.

Thanksgiving is next week. I just feel numb. The last thing I want to do is go into someone's home, but I feel obligated. So I go. The only reason I go is because I know it will be a fast meal and I will be able to leave after to go to the graveyard to put flowers on my mom, dad and brother's graves before it gets too dark. I love going to the graveyard. It is so quiet and peaceful on top of that old hill in the country. I could stay for hours, but when you go with someone, you really can't stay. I miss them so much...so very much.

And then Christmas...Sandy will be swamped with work at the church and then running home as fast as she can to take time off. That leaves me alone at the time I don't need to be. There's no one else to be there for me during the time of year I don't need to be alone. Every year I wish she would understand all I need is not to be alone during this time. Every year she doesn't. An old friend in TN told me I have really hung in there over the years. I told him there wasn't an alternative. This year I'm not sure about the alternative. I'm tired. I'm worn. I'm sick of being alone and I'm really sick of trying. If ever anyone needed a miracle, I do.

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