Thursday, December 30, 2010

To Start the New Year

I will only say this once. If you come here to read my blog, know it may be filled with sadness or pain. Don't send me emails unless they are encouraging. It is so much easier to pass judgement on someone's life just by wading through words than it is to see it first hand. These words could never fully show what goes on here.

This blog is my way of dealing with a limited life. If you don't like the content, don't read it.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

And the loneliness settles in...

Today was so quiet that the loneliness was magnified. So close to Christmas, I can literally hear the sadness radiating in my ears. I miss my mom, dad and brother so much. I miss my grandmother. So many others have gone on...aunts, uncles...all gone. If I didn't have Rascal, I wouldn't have a reason to get up. He is all I have in the world and I love him dearly.

Why does this time of year have to be so extremely lonely? I tried to rest more today, but it didn't work. My mind wouldn't shut off. I'm so exhausted from a lupus flare that doesn't want to heal. Just praying for a miracle this Christmas. Just wishing I could walk outside and enjoy fresh air without being afraid of attack. Please, Lord, help me.

The temps are running extremes from 70's to 30's and the barametric pressure is causing so much pain. I just want to sleep through this time of year so that my heart wouldn't hurt so badly. But I can't sleep. I'm in so much pain both physically and emotionally.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Holidays

I officially HATE this season. People are rude, but that's normal here. It is the hardest time of the year for me anyway, but living here just makes it worse. Words just can't describe it this time. This pain is too deep.

I went grocery shopping last night. Watched a couple with a buggy full of toys check out. Wondered if they would teach the same child who would be recipient of those toys what Christmas really is...the birth of the most wonderful gift of all, the gift of a son who would change lives through eternity. Keep reminding myself that is what Christmas is about, but it is hard not to get wrapped up in families, presents, etc. even though I don't have any family. No wonder depression and suicide is so high this time of year.

I've been blessed with another horrible lupus flare. Extreme pain from head to toe, fevers of 102, can't walk well, have been bed bound all day. Nothing, no medicine, has helped to relieve any pain. Being alone makes it worse. I realize no one will ever understand how bad this is unless they, too, are alone. I swapped to the sofa for awhile, but realized it took me fifteen minutes to pull myself up off of it because it is so worn out. Wishing I had a recliner. Would be so much easier on my joints and spine (spinal stenosis). Not this year or next. Cost of living going up, but Social Security not. Meds going up. Food going up. Electricity going up (AGAIN).

I use to make Christmas wishes when my family was alive. Today I found myself wondering why bother. The one wish I would have would be to have one need met...a safe place to live, one where I could walk outside and enjoy fresh air without being put in harm's way. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. I'm trapped in a four wall prison and can't afford to get out of it.

Yes, I officially hate this season. Today I just have to remind myself Christmas is Jesus' birthday, not what the world has created.

Prayer for Animals

Prayer of Saint Francis for Animals

God Our Heavenly Father,
You created the world
to serve humanity's needs
and to lead them to You.
By our own fault
we have lost the beautiful relationship
which we once had with all your creation.
Help us to see
that by restoring our relationship with You
we will also restore it
with all Your creation.
Give us the grace
to see all animals as gifts from You
and to treat them with respect
for they are Your creation.

We pray for all animals
who are suffering as a result of our neglect.
May the order You originally established
be once again restored to the whole world
through the intercession of the Glorious Virgin Mary,
the prayers of Saint Francis
and the merits of Your Son,
Our Lord Jesus Christ
Who lives and reigns with You
now and forever. Amen.

St. Francis of Assisi

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Homegoing Celebration

A little over a week ago, a dear friend's wife of 50 years went to sleep and walked into Heaven. They had a Celebration of her life. It was the most beautiful service I've ever attended. There was music she would have loved performed by her sons and a couple of people from the group "The Dill Pickers" from Birmingham. Sharing memories. Special hymns, one I was introduced to and now love, "Hymn of Promise." I could just see Carolyn clapping her hands and singing along. Even though a drive that far in such a short time span (went up Sat. morning and came back Sun. night) was hard on me, it was so worth it just to be a part of her Homegoing and to be there for Mark.

We wandered around Franklin, TN on Sunday because we stayed in a hotel there overnight. I LOVE Franklin. It is a beautiful place. The downtown is what I picture a downtown area should be. The people are friendly. Snow was falling (A BIG plus for me!) How I miss snow. I asked God for snow before we left, but there was none when we arrived. On Sunday morning when my friend, Sandy, and I were loading the car, it was snowing! Didn't stick but the snow showers were heavy. I stood at the car and just wept. I felt God's presence so strong at that moment. It was His way of reminding me HE was in charge and when He closes a door...leave it alone. He has something much better. I felt His kiss in that snow.

I miss my mom, dad, and brother so much. It is very hard to be alone in the world during Christmas. I lost my family by the time I was 35. Now I'm 49 and believe me, you don't get over it. You just learn to live with it. Just seems the loss is magnified this time of year. Since I spent my life taking care of them, I never had the opportunity to marry and have a family of my own. For some reason, God didn't open that door and it is okay. So many people rarely meet a five year anniversary these days unlike Mark and Carolyn's 50 years.

I watched a movie on TV Sunday night. "The Perfect Gift." It was just what I needed to remind me Jesus is still here. He truly was the perfect gift. The song "Emmanuel (you are with me) touched me more than any song in years. I'm still having trouble just finding that recording. I'd wear it out listening to it. What we go through in life shared with the world will touch another. God uses it to fill a need to heal a hurt. This song did just that for me. Thank you, Mark Smeby.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Brrrrr!

I LOVE cold weather, but it doesn't love me. Two days ago it actually snowed in Dothan....in December. Never recalled that before. Only snow flakes/showers, but it was snow all the same. On Sunday, Sandy and I were in TN at a friend's Life Celebration. She went to sleep and walked into Heaven. Snow was falling heavily there, but none stuck. When I stepped outside and discovered that gift, I just stood there in tears knowing it WAS a gift from God. I felt a kiss from Heaven. A reminder He was in charge and I worried way too much.

So many doors have slammed shut this year. It has been a bad one. I almost feel like I'm standing in a corner just waiting for help to come. The kiss of snow just gave me a little more hope.

If we go to people for help, we'll be let down time and again. I've known this all my life. When I look beyond, He always sends help. I'm looking beyond and praying for that help this Christmas. I don't need things, just someone to care enough to help me.

It has warmed up to the 60's outside today, but another cold front is coming overnight. I'm shivering. Can't afford to turn on the heat. The government has decided NOT to raise Social Security again for two years in a row, and they have decided to cut medicare coverage. Instead of doctor bill increases for me, that means I won't be going as much, less tests I need, and who knows what else. Our town informed us that in February they would raise the cost of electricity AGAIN. I think that makes three times in the past few months now. No mercy. Food has almost doubled in cost. I can't remember the last time I bought clothes or even a pair of shoes.

So it is wrap myself in a blanket because the heat won't be on in this place. Poor Rascal has started sneezing. So have I. December is a hard month for me anyway. With the economy being so bad I just wonder if the Spirit of the season will be able to step beyond spending, going to family gatherings, parties, etc., and remembering those who are alone. It breaks my heart because I know first hand how hard it is. So many take family for granted. Just think about the senior adults who have no one and no one to check on them. Magnified at Christmas.

Sometimes I ask God why my life had to take this turn. But I've learned what it is like on the other side illness. The world isn't a kind place. Maybe one day I could be the voice for those who are alone, sick and left behind.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Christmas

What do I want for Christmas? needs met

Most important need: A safe place to live.