Thursday, December 16, 2010


I officially HATE this season. People are rude, but that's normal here. It is the hardest time of the year for me anyway, but living here just makes it worse. Words just can't describe it this time. This pain is too deep.

I went grocery shopping last night. Watched a couple with a buggy full of toys check out. Wondered if they would teach the same child who would be recipient of those toys what Christmas really is...the birth of the most wonderful gift of all, the gift of a son who would change lives through eternity. Keep reminding myself that is what Christmas is about, but it is hard not to get wrapped up in families, presents, etc. even though I don't have any family. No wonder depression and suicide is so high this time of year.

I've been blessed with another horrible lupus flare. Extreme pain from head to toe, fevers of 102, can't walk well, have been bed bound all day. Nothing, no medicine, has helped to relieve any pain. Being alone makes it worse. I realize no one will ever understand how bad this is unless they, too, are alone. I swapped to the sofa for awhile, but realized it took me fifteen minutes to pull myself up off of it because it is so worn out. Wishing I had a recliner. Would be so much easier on my joints and spine (spinal stenosis). Not this year or next. Cost of living going up, but Social Security not. Meds going up. Food going up. Electricity going up (AGAIN).

I use to make Christmas wishes when my family was alive. Today I found myself wondering why bother. The one wish I would have would be to have one need met...a safe place to live, one where I could walk outside and enjoy fresh air without being put in harm's way. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. I'm trapped in a four wall prison and can't afford to get out of it.

Yes, I officially hate this season. Today I just have to remind myself Christmas is Jesus' birthday, not what the world has created.

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