Monday, January 31, 2011

I knew it was coming

Today I thought the heart surgeon's office would call and say, "Time for cat scan and x-ray of aneurysm." Instead I got "you're a candidate for stent surgery because of the size of your aneurysm. NOT ready for that. I am alone. I get this news and have to deal with it alone. Learn to accept it alone. Could you? No encouragement. Nothing.

He talks to the stent surgeon and I hear back from them on Thursday. Another scan will be performed: a CT angiogram. Then they will do a enovascular repair stent on the thoracic aortic aneurysm near my heart.

I'm still in shock. I knew the time would come, but I wasn't ready for it today. There are so many things I've wanted to do in life like ride a train, love and be loved, play in snow one more time, move into a house and plant a garden to name a few, but seems I've hit a wall, a road block. You see, with systemic lupus and my condition any procedure, whether it be surgery or a procedure like this puts me in extreme danger of not coming out of it.

I plan to tell the surgeon one thing: if you lose me on the table, don't you dare pull me back. I can think of no worse thing on earth than to be yanked out of Heaven for the loneliness and pitifulness of this world. I'd hate to have to hurt him.

The past year when I had so much trouble with the office because I was being harassed by a resident, then harassed by the office, I had no one to turn to for help. Suffered. Stayed inside. Cried for help. None came. God gave me the strength to endure the pain and agony, but people turned away. Dear Lord, please don't ever let me be that way. Never let me turn my back on someone who is in dire need if I have the means to make a difference. How I wish I had someone to help me out of this prison of four walls, but no one came. My heart still longs to be released from the bad surroundings I endure each day. I pray God will send an angel to help.

When someone tells me they need help, Lord, give me strength to help them or find the means to help.

Oh Lord, give me strength to face the coming struggles. Last Friday I was told the pressure in my left eye was very high. I've been having more problems with my vision the past year. Lupus has caused so much damage. The test he performed twice affected my eye and caused so much pain for three days and blurred my vision more than usual. I am possible glaucoma because my mother had it. Have to go back in six months.

Does it ever end? Does anything good come? When?

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