Friday, May 27, 2011

Out of Here

The heat is overwhelming here. I can't breathe. It literally makes me sick. Although some with this horrible disease have a hard time in the winter, I have a hard time in the summer. It has been extremely HOT and humid and severely dry (drought) for a month already and the summer will only get worse. The heat is making me ill.

I stay inside unless I leave to go away from this complex. On Thursday afternoon I had to step outside to tell a bunch of obnoxious kids to stop hanging around my door. One ten year old started yelling at me. Of course I couldn't let it go. I called him down, informed him I was an adult and he would NOT speak to me that way. After I raked him over the coals and taught him some manners, I went back inside. When I sat down, I realized the heat and stress caused chest pains. They went on for hours. This is ridiculous.

I spent two hours in the doctor's office Wednesday. She came in and spent five minutes with me asking what has been going on. I caught her up on the ER. She said, "That's not good." Proceeds to listen to my heart and lungs. Writes on the chart and leaves. I go home swollen from sitting, in pain for two days from the swelling of my joints, and just wishing I had somewhere else to go.

I am still bothered by my hospital information listing my aneurysm in my abdomen and not under my heart. It has been there almost ten years now and has been checked once a year. The growth is on the edge of 5 cm, the size for surgery. Yet, they have it listed in the WRONG Place.

I'm sick of having to correct hospital records.

I need to get out of here before I die.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


I am stunned by the number of people who make fun at the "Apocalypse" predictions of today. Grant it, the man who set the date is a false prophet for in the Bible it says that NO man knows the time or day, not the angels, or the son, but the Father. So why would he tell a mere human? The odd thing is it could happen today as much as tomorrow. So instead of making fun of it, shouldn't we all prepare for His coming? There will be no missing it. He will bring Heaven's angels with him, trumpet blasting, so there will be no missing this one. The only problem I have is that there are so many false prophets out there "watering down" the coming of Jesus that so many decide it isn't going to happen and just make fun of it.
I am also amazed that so many people easily follow false prophets instead of just opening their Bibles and finding out for themselves. If they cannot understand what it is saying, ask someone. Technology has now made it so much easier to find the information online.

New International Version (©1984)
"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.
New Living Translation (©2007)
"However, no one knows the day or hour when these things will happen, not even the angels in heaven or the Son himself. Only the Father knows.

Mark 13:32 "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.
Acts 1:7 He said to them: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.

So if you are not sure, just type it in and read it here.

I know God must be truly saddened by all the "Apocalypse parties" people are having. I take that as mocking Him. One day those who are mocking instead of preparing will be crying. We do not know the day or hour, but it could be today, tomorrow or next week. The signs of the times surely show it must be close.


I can't help but wonder how much talk is exchanged with how much "do" in our society. So many people can talk about doing something to make a difference in this world. Going in mass groups to help victims in disasters, or as missionaries to other countries, but what about the people God puts in our lives even though it may be for a short time? What if He put a person in our lives for a moment wanting us to do something to make a REAL difference in that life, to give that life hope, opportunity, options? What if we didn't do it because we had already judged that life as "lazy, hopeless, useless?" How do we answer for NOT doing something when God puts a person in our lives to make some sort of difference even if it is giving them information that might actually turn their lives around?

It angers me to see someone "labeled" lazy because they are standing still not knowing where to turn because no one had ever given them direction in their life. Let's say this person was bossed around from childhood up through her teen years. All she ever knew was how "lazy and sorry" she was. Her self esteem? WHAT self esteem? She has never been taught how to do anything or what direction to go in. She tends to be a follower because no one else has helped her break off into a direction of her own. No one has opened a door for her to lead and she doesn't know how to do it. So she is labeled and her doors are closed. You come into the picture and can possibly help. Instead you sign up to be an oversees missionary helping those in other situations and ignoring the life God put in yours. What does this say to Him? "Ignore her and maybe she will go away." That is the thought. That is the WRONG thought.

It tears me up inside to see a young life with so much to offer put in a box with the lid nailed shut and no one with so much to give not help her. I have always been taught, "Where much is given, much is to be expected." Where is the help for her? Opportunities narrow the older you get. I just want her to have open doors for HER life.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Amazing how short a memory can be! As I stood up, I had forgotten to "think" before I walked. Down I went! The nerves are damaged in my feet and legs and I have to think before I take any steps. Not thinking drops me like a hot potato. I guess it can be a good thing when you fall on the knee you have no feeling in anymore. Or can it?

I can't call to Rascal for help. If he were only able to pull me up what a wonderful gift that would be! The only 11 yr. old cat with super powers! So I sat there for a long time nursing what pain I felt. When I finally was able to pull myself up, I dragged myself to the chair near the computer. Better to sit in a chair with wheels for awhile than to try to walk on legs that may be more injured than I can feel.

I wonder. With so many of us falling short of our own goals and expectations, why is it so hard to pull ourselves up? All the years of fighting to stay on my feet should have made me a tougher person, but as I get weaker I find it much harder to stand up to many things. Bullying is one. I was bullied in elementary school, jr. high, and high school. I was bullied in the working world. I have even been bullied by neighbors and landlords. Ridiculous. There is no excuse for any person to push someone down and stand on them keeping them from pulling themselves up. I'm thankful God taught His children to always reach out a hand to help others up. No matter how small the pain, there should be someone there to help ease it. When there is no one, the pain is magnified. At this point in my life, I live in pain.

I'm thankful to have pulled myself up today. No matter who pushes me down from this point on, I will always be there to extend my hand to pick them up no matter how much pain that hand is in. I would hope someone would do the same for me.


There is an opportunity...something so rare! A place where the air is not so humid and the heat will not make me so terribly sick eight months out of the year. The doctors and hospitals are top of the line. The people kinder. The cost of living lower. The opportunity for my self esteem to return. There is an opportunity for me to move to Carroll, IA where my college friend lives.

With opportunities there are always blocks. One block is the cost of moving. Due to my poor health, I can't move belongings in a uhaul. I have one friend who would help me. We simply can't physically do this. We need movers. VERY expensive. We need money for moving.

My friend is finding it hard to locate housing based on income in Carroll. This is very important since the government is threatening to take the only income I have away. The cost of buying a home there is very reasonable. However, an income of $10,000.00 a year does not a good candidate for a loan make. I cannot do this. It would take a miracle to get a home. However, living in another apartment complex is not an option unless it is senior related. I cannot move from one unsafe place to another.

NOTHING is impossible. There are so many miracles just waiting to be had. So many angels walking among us just looking for someone to help. I can only hope for someone to reach out and help me obtain this opportunity.


Opportunities in this world are rare...that's why you have to take them when they come. But have my opportunities all gone since my illness has worsened?

I started working at age 14 in a local Dime store. My father and mother taught me to work hard both in school and for everything I ever needed. I am grateful for this gift. I worked during college. My first two years of college, I worked at night at a sewing factory and earned scholarships. The work paid for my clothing and other needs. It also helped pay for family needs because my dad said, "You've graduated. Get a job and pay rent." Didn't matter that I was going to school. I had to contribute. And I did.

When I transferred to a college away, I worked, got scholarships, loans, etc., anything to help me earn my degree. The family didn't have money to help me. I did it myself with hard work and much prayer. On graduation day, I walked the line, packed my bags and returned home to care for a very ill mother until she died the following January. I worked full time and cared for my dad and brother until both died.

When I was diagnosed with systemic lupus after being so sick for months after my brother died, I pushed on working hard. My job, however, did not want me "draining their insurance" even though I was early in the illness. Shortly after my dad died, they laid me off. I learned a great lesson during that time. Church does not equal compassion.

I continued working and working until the disease sent me to the ER many many times, the last one throwing up blood. It was then I was told by my doctor I HAD to stop or I would die. Little did I know the world I would enter would destroy what little self esteem I had left.

Church Sunday School "family" told me they thought I would feel better going to another church. No one sat with me in church. When I went to the ER, no one came. Even today as I am confined to a small apartment in a very unsafe neighborhood, I do not have visitors or supporters. When I am in the hospital, my one devoted friend is the only person who visits. My family is dead. I never married....I took care of my immediate family while they were sick and took care of their final burials. There is no one left. I worked. It was the most devastating life changes I ever faced having to stop working, losing my family, losing my health.

Now I am thankful just to be able to get up in the morning, on days I can, stand in the shower, when I can, and sleep without pain, which is few and far between. It only took one diagnosis to destroy the work I started as a young teen, to destroy the life I had hoped for, to destroy the dreams I was determined to make reality.

My life is one of disability, medicare, loneliness and fear. I only go outside now when I head to the hospital,doctor or grocery store. The neighborhood I've ended up in has taken what is left of the crumbs of my self esteem. There are days I breathe in and out and wonder why.

Have my opportunities all died with me?

UPDATE: Diverticulitis and Kidney Infection

Friday I awoke with a severe pain and swelling in my abdomen. Know that sign! Last time I ended up in the hospital for three days. Diverticulitis! Off to the ER I went with my compassionate neighbor. I am so thankful she was home because my only friend was out of town.

I was blessed in that I didn't have to wait very long to go back. They did x-rays, catscan, blood tests, urine tests, put in an IV and gave me lots of fluids and two pain shots along with something to rid me of nausea. Turns out I had diverticulitis but a milder case and a bad kidney infection. I'd had the symptoms for weeks but since I saw my rheumatologist the week before and he did a kidney test, I assumed he would catch it. He didn't.

I was there for many hours...many hours. So grateful God put my neighbor there with me. She was so kind and comforting. They decided to let me go home which I was thankful, too. The lupus sores all over my behind had begun to swell again and sitting in that hard bed was not helping. Two antibiotics plus pain meds plus antinausea meds went with me. Add that to the 20 meds I already take for Systemic Lupus, Aortic thoracic aneurysm (just below the heart - 4.5 cm), mononeuritis multiplex (permanent nerve damage in both feet and left leg), Insomnia due to lupus, Depression, arthritis in spine, degenerative disk, congenital spinal stenosis, Hypothyroid, Fibromyalgia, Osteoporosis, Osteoarthritis, TMJ, Chronic Irritable bowel syndrome (constipation) and Sleep Apnea. Expense expense expense!!

After a week, I started to feel better. Still working on the meds, it wasn't long before a relapse occurred. Back to swollen painful abdomen and kidney infection. Have a doctor's appointment on the 25th so I'll wait until then. Will see what she does.

The only problem with the hospital I had this time was my history in their computer. They had my aneurysm in the WRONG place. They listed it in my abdomen. It is just below my heart and has been there for a long long time now. Now that is scary! What if it had burst and I had to go in the ER? They would have looked at the wrong end!

It took me a long time to trust a doctor. I still have a hard time and can tell within two visits whether they are worth the time, care, or just collecting the money. Unfortunately the first criteria applies to doctors I can count on one hand.

One day I'll be able to move to a state where health care is much better.