Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Being Angry

I've been told many times being angry at someone doesn't affect them in the least. It just upsets me. Knowing this truth doesn't seem to seep in enough to make me stop being angry. The one thing that makes me more angry than anything else is when someone makes promises they don't intend to keep. Seems Christians are the worst. Being a Christian, I can say this. I'm not talking about genuine following the Lord Christians, I'm talking about those who think talking their talk is enough. If they show up for every service, be a faithful church member, participate in every activity, but don't step out to follow up their talk, what good is it? I'm talking about those who say they will "be there" for you when you need them, then say I'm sorry for not being there to make themselves feel better. Over the past few years, I've had many do the latter. And this week, I got mad.

I won't say, "It's okay" anymore. Don't make promises you don't intend to keep. I have an old friend who has promised to move me to Wilmore so many times I could have moved there and back ten times. He has promised to check out places to live every time he goes home (to KY), but I never hear back. He asks what he can do when I finally have to move (or get shot in a war zone apartment) and when I tell him, he never responds back. Then last night he says the same thing again, "I'll be glad to move you to Wilmore." I finally told him if he wanted to do something for me, don't make promises you don't intend to keep. His reply was, "like what?"

For those of you who don't understand what this does to someone who is alone in the world, it gives them false hope, a ray of escaping a horrible situation, a horrible life, that someone truly does love them, cares they are in a horrible situation and will do anything to help them get out. But after promise after promise after promise, those hopes are smothered and hurt sets in. The hurt masquerades as reality and finally I just give up. Friends, whom I thought truly cared, those who make endless promises to be there, to help me when I am at my darkest time, just spout endless words. So words, which use to be gold to me, become dead lies in my mind.

I am ever so thankful God sends someone along to remind me there are those who truly follow Him whose promises are true. They are the ones who pull me out of the mire of hopelessness and help me live another day. It is then I can only hope those who make promises they don't intend to keep will someday realize how much damage they cause.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Prayer answered and a Ladybug

God opened a door for me. He gave me a new place to live. BRAND new apartment. It costs more to live here, but I've learned it is better to pay more (even if it does take every penny I have every month) than live in fear. I have been able to sleep again without fear that someone was going to break into my apartment, shoot through my window, attack me when I walked outside my door. I can open my balcony door to get fresh air, something I had almost forgotten existed! I can walk around the complex without fear. My strength is building up again. I remind myself it is still Dothan and still an apartment complex and with it comes people I do not know. My senses are always heightened. I am aware of those who come and go around me. Even though there is a fence around the complex, the gate remains open and people do come and go. People are still people.

My heart still longs to live in the country and always will. It longs to be part of a family every day of my life, not alone in the world. But for now, this is where God has put me and I'm thankful to be out of that horrible war zone I was living in on Edgewood. The office staff is very kind here. There it was thick with disdain. I can pay my rent in person and be treated like a person here. There I had to drop my rent check in the drop door the night before. Here I have been treated with respect. There I was bullied and treated like trash. Here I have been treated fairly. There I was not treated fairly. Even though my friend and I cleaned the apartment for five hours, my deposit was not returned to me. I did the right thing. She did not. She will have to answer for her actions. Here I am healing emotionally. There I was being destroyed.

About two weeks after moving in, I had a reminder of hope. I awoke around 3:00 a.m. one morning to go to the bathroom. When I returned there was a ladybug sitting in the middle of my pillow. I caught her up in my hand, opened the door, and let her fly away. I was so puzzled at how she arrived at my pillow at that point in time. How did that one tiny creature find its way in my life and land on my pillow at 3:00 a.m.? The next morning, I looked up old wives tales about ladybugs. My mother was the queen of old wives tales. It talked about good luck. Those I had heard. But I found another page that said something different. "This tiny little beetle brings with it a powerful message. Because the life cycle of the adult ladybug is short it teaches us how to release worries and enjoy our lives to the fullest. When it appears in our life it is telling us to "let go and let God." found at http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Love-Ladybugs/141399. That small ladybug reminded me to release the worries that had built up for the past three years, to let go and let God bless me with the life He has planned for me all along. Even though I am sick, a life I didn't plan to have, God still has a purpose for me or I wouldn't be here.

I pondered how that ladybug must have hitched a ride in my apartment. I had sat outside for a little while the evening before. I wondered if maybe she landed in my hair. Still, I went inside and washed my hair soon afterwards so that still did not explain it. After reading the passage above, I just accepted the gentle reminder God sent me that my three years of hell was over and even though I will have problems and struggles, I need to let go and let Him take care of it.