Thursday, April 26, 2012

Lupus completes the circle

As with any emotional upset, nerve wracking experience, I have a full onset flare. Yesterday I could barely open my eyes from them being swollen shut. My breathing is shallow. My joints are swollen. I've had a fever of 101-102. I'm still shaking all over. Another side affect from the emotional attack from Tuesday. When I say people are literally going to kill me, I mean it. Their hateful, rude attacks are simply setting off flares that do more damage than people are worth.

Oh where is that cabin in the words I so long to find? Where are the night birds and crickets I so long to hear? Where some find solace in friends, I find in peace. When you have a chronic illness, friends don't stay (except on very wonderful exception, my best friend).

Where is that "wall" of a person I need to stand up for me while I am too tired and sick to fight back this time?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Saving this Special link

Screaming!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

They say if you scream you'll feel tons better. Didn't work. I cried. Didn't work. I asked God why people are so hateful and rude. Nothing. Didn't work. So I cried some more. Now I'm just tired and sore. Turned on the tv for background noise and "Facing the Giants" was on. How appropriate and perfectly timed. Good reminders. It seems this new place is simply nothing more than one step up from Azalea Apts., the place I lived before, the unsafe, horrible war zone. The thick lease full of rules was merely paper with words (words - something I treasure, something my heart consumes). Bright and shiny new on the outside, untended, unkept, "who cares" on the inside. 

Since I've been here, I've been run over by a scooter (knocked flat on my back - dr., x-rays, two more meds), spit at by kids, boom cars rattling windows, cussed out by neighbors because I called out one for letting a small dog run wild in the parking lot, been kept awake at 2:00 a.m. by a loud car racing its motor, beer parties in the parking lot, crowd on the side walk that wouldn't move when I tried to walk so I had to walk around them....get the picture? The dog was lease violation - must be approved with letter from doctor,i.e. medically necessary, $300 deposit. Next door to her is the one who has applied for assistant manager. She's hiding a cat. She also decided to jump on me today when I encountered the crazy woman with the dog. Does ANYONE get the fact that dogs get hit by cars?? So do kids! Funny thing is there are lease rules to everything above. Just no one is enforcing them. It feels like I'm paying MORE rent for a shiny slum.

 So now I'm back trapped inside only to leave for doctors, grocery, hospital visits. No more walking. Just to the office to pay rent once a month. What a huge disappointment.

 Can someone PLEASE tell me why people are so RUDE and Hateful??? It seems to be concentrated in the South. So many people think the South is filled with kinder, gentler people. NOT here. I've grown to hate living in Dothan as the years have passed and would give any chance to leave the state of Alabama. But illness and the expense of it all has trapped me in this horrible world. I returned after graduating college to take care of my mom (who was bedridden). I soon found myself taking care of my dad, working full time (and then my brother and dad), burying my family, losing my health and falling into a nightmare of a "prison" that has left me trapped in a place I yearn to escape - I just hope I don't leave here feet first. 

Misery comes with loneliness. I've been alone for a long time now. Friends abandoned me when permanent illness came. I have one friend, my dearest friend, who has stood by me through it all. She is an angel on earth. Thank God for her. Yet I long to have family, sometimes just to have someone in the same room with me, to encourage me when I'm sick, to take over when I can't do it, to "fight the battles" because I'm so tired. How I wish I had a "wall" in my life. Perhaps I should start talking to these telemarketers who ring my phone off the hook. Would they finally go away?

 For now that is not to be. So I get up in the morning hoping I can function, hoping I can walk through my apartment, hoping I can accomplish something through the day. If I can, it is a good day. Having Rascal makes life so much richer for me (medically approved, deposit paid). I'll never understand how anyone can hate an animal when they are far more kind, more loving and more respectful than people could ever be. 

 Can someone tell me if people care anymore? I've been so tenderhearted over my life. My mother always said I'd never make it in life unless I stopped caring so much. Seems I haven't stopped caring. When it is your nature, it is your nature. Unfortunately, it breaks your heart and you just can't hide it. After all these heartbreaks you'd think I'd be tough as nails by now.

 How much easier life would be if I were a nail!

Saturday, April 14, 2012


Spent Thursday afternoon in the doctor's office. Sunday a kid came out of my breezeway, knocked me flat on my back as he was racing through on a scooter. The complex is over run with them. Went to management Monday and she said she was gonna ban them. As a few days passed, pain turned into misery. I'm on stronger pain meds, had to get x-rays to make sure I didn't tear anything or break anything. This is ridiculous. I will not be a prisoner at a higher rent!

Went to get my mail and out of the breezeway came another scooter today. Called the manager and told her the kids were all over the place including my breezeway. This is ridiculous. I can't take chances physically. She HAS to do something about this. Otherwise, I'll be searching for another place in December.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

As Time Passes....

I am thankful for a much quieter place to live. Upstairs shelters the noise more, but there is still noise. Boom cars still rattle the silence that once brought peace. The brand new smell of this apartment complex has now been wiped away with congestion of people who don't care about anyone else but themselves. In other words, typical society. If they want to blast a booming, loud car stereo at 2:00 a.m., they will do so. Unfortunately, there wasn't a box on the lease to check saying you didn't have one of those. There was a statement saying you'll respect others, go inside after 9:00, quiet time is observed after 9:00. I guess it doesn't apply to some people.

It has never been about those who sign the lease, go through the background check, the credit check, etc. It is about the family members, friends, etc., who come after, move in without permission, hang out with their noise, their bad habits, throw their trash in the once green bushes. Just because you are a good person with a good background doesn't mean the person who moves in next door to you is the same. And now the complex is full of a mixture of all kinds of people.

Today I took a walk after picking up my mail. I thought it might loosen up the pain in my back and legs. Should have gone back upstairs. Better still, I should have stayed upstairs. I passed a section that had a police car. At first I thought a policeman had moved in. No. The car was running. Business call. Just great. Passed the ugly Skittles car (that has woken me up time and again at 2:00 a.m. with the LOUD muffler)on my way back to my section. He's back. Just great. Then I decided to sit at bottom of the stairs to get my strength back. Another loud obnoxious muffler. This time to the right. It was that other guy with the who knows what car. He's constantly doing something to it (even though the lease says no working on cars in the complex...will be towed). So I stood by the wall to make sure he saw me. He knows I watch him and he acts nervous. Thing is I just happen to be there when he's outside with that broken down car. Timing is everything.

Then it happened. I heard the loud bark of a small dog. I followed it to the apartment down below. A lady with two small girls lives there. Young woman. No health problems. I guess she just decided to get a dog. Make me furious! I had to jump through hoops...get a letter from the doctor, put down a security deposit. She just picked up a dog and stuck it in the apartment. Funny thing about her is when we came back from the beach last Saturday, two different people were taking the girls. During the time it took us to carry my things back upstairs, which takes a LONG TIME now, one lady took them and a different one brought them back. On Thursday night when Sandy and I were going to a play, a different lady was sitting in a car with the two girls in the back. I saw and waved to them. They started waving back just as happy as could be! She had put a suitcase in the car. They apparently were waiting on the mom.

When I finally reached the top of the stairs today, it dawned on me. The outside light of her apartment was on. I saw suitcases in the car Thursday night. There was a dog inside the apartment. Two days. Now I was worried about the dog inside the apartment so I contacted the manager. Bad enough she wouldn't open the door. I called her. Someone needed to check on that dog (illegal dog).

I don't see this woman staying here very long. There will be some kind of interesting story out of this apartment. Custody story, hiding, something. At any rate, I pray those girls are protected. As for the dog, please let someone rescue him.

I will NEVER understand people. Why is it they just don't care about each other or animals? I still long to have a home of my own no matter how small it may be, safe, secure, quiet. Before I leave this earth it would be the greatest gift in the world to me to have a home where I wouldn't have to walk outside my door and be faced with a crowd of people, have to protect myself, take every ounce of strength I have to get my mail because the post office won't deliver to my door (even though I have a medical letter). My body is full of pain 24/7. I pray each night for it to ease enough for me to fall asleep. I wake up, cry in agony as I pull myself up, stumble to the bathroom in the middle of the night. There are a couple of days a week I can't take a shower because it hurts too much to take my clothes off.
The mental pain of living in an apartment complex of any kind is becoming too much. Today I felt as though I were going to have another TIA. My blood pressure went through the roof. Now I sit here writing in hopes it will alleviate the stress enough so that I can undress, take a shower, go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

So many times I've read or heard you need a number of hugs a day to stay healthy. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me. I wake up in the morning and ask God why I'm still here. The day before is the same as today, last week,etc.

I am thankful to move into a nicer apartment, somewhat more quiet, safer. I still long to live in Wilmore, a place so small I could walk outside my door, walk to the grocery store, church (a place I haven't been in a long time), library, volunteer at Asbury University, attend events, feel as though my day is not empty, overwhelmingly lonely, pointless. I am still trapped in Dothan, just better four walls/bars. They are still lonely, empty, and void of purpose.