Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Screaming!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

They say if you scream you'll feel tons better. Didn't work. I cried. Didn't work. I asked God why people are so hateful and rude. Nothing. Didn't work. So I cried some more. Now I'm just tired and sore. Turned on the tv for background noise and "Facing the Giants" was on. How appropriate and perfectly timed. Good reminders. It seems this new place is simply nothing more than one step up from Azalea Apts., the place I lived before, the unsafe, horrible war zone. The thick lease full of rules was merely paper with words (words - something I treasure, something my heart consumes). Bright and shiny new on the outside, untended, unkept, "who cares" on the inside. 

Since I've been here, I've been run over by a scooter (knocked flat on my back - dr., x-rays, two more meds), spit at by kids, boom cars rattling windows, cussed out by neighbors because I called out one for letting a small dog run wild in the parking lot, been kept awake at 2:00 a.m. by a loud car racing its motor, beer parties in the parking lot, crowd on the side walk that wouldn't move when I tried to walk so I had to walk around them....get the picture? The dog was lease violation - must be approved with letter from doctor,i.e. medically necessary, $300 deposit. Next door to her is the one who has applied for assistant manager. She's hiding a cat. She also decided to jump on me today when I encountered the crazy woman with the dog. Does ANYONE get the fact that dogs get hit by cars?? So do kids! Funny thing is there are lease rules to everything above. Just no one is enforcing them. It feels like I'm paying MORE rent for a shiny slum.

 So now I'm back trapped inside only to leave for doctors, grocery, hospital visits. No more walking. Just to the office to pay rent once a month. What a huge disappointment.

 Can someone PLEASE tell me why people are so RUDE and Hateful??? It seems to be concentrated in the South. So many people think the South is filled with kinder, gentler people. NOT here. I've grown to hate living in Dothan as the years have passed and would give any chance to leave the state of Alabama. But illness and the expense of it all has trapped me in this horrible world. I returned after graduating college to take care of my mom (who was bedridden). I soon found myself taking care of my dad, working full time (and then my brother and dad), burying my family, losing my health and falling into a nightmare of a "prison" that has left me trapped in a place I yearn to escape - I just hope I don't leave here feet first. 

Misery comes with loneliness. I've been alone for a long time now. Friends abandoned me when permanent illness came. I have one friend, my dearest friend, who has stood by me through it all. She is an angel on earth. Thank God for her. Yet I long to have family, sometimes just to have someone in the same room with me, to encourage me when I'm sick, to take over when I can't do it, to "fight the battles" because I'm so tired. How I wish I had a "wall" in my life. Perhaps I should start talking to these telemarketers who ring my phone off the hook. Would they finally go away?

 For now that is not to be. So I get up in the morning hoping I can function, hoping I can walk through my apartment, hoping I can accomplish something through the day. If I can, it is a good day. Having Rascal makes life so much richer for me (medically approved, deposit paid). I'll never understand how anyone can hate an animal when they are far more kind, more loving and more respectful than people could ever be. 

 Can someone tell me if people care anymore? I've been so tenderhearted over my life. My mother always said I'd never make it in life unless I stopped caring so much. Seems I haven't stopped caring. When it is your nature, it is your nature. Unfortunately, it breaks your heart and you just can't hide it. After all these heartbreaks you'd think I'd be tough as nails by now.

 How much easier life would be if I were a nail!

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