Wednesday, May 30, 2012

God Help Me....

I just want a home where I can live in peace and be safe. Is that too much to ask for? I realize people don't care anymore, that they don't reach out to others. I realize I don't have anyone. Heaven knows there is nothing worse in this world than to be alone in the world unless it is to be unwanted. So all I ask is to live in a home in peace and be safe.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

My neighbor is moving out

My neighbor across from me is moving out today. She was here four months. Moved in a week behind me. She said she was shocked how much this place has gone down since moving in. She also said they've rented the apartment already. Who knows what horrible surprise lurks behind that door now. 

We stood outside and talked awhile. As we talked, the horrible neighbors downstairs turned up the loud music and had their party. She was glad to be moving out. How I wish I could have joined her.

I also found out you can escape the lease if you move out of state. So if I had the money, I could move to KY or anywhere else. What I wouldn't do to move out of Alabama! If anyone has any suggestions, help, etc., please email me.

Another Day, Same Thing

The heat has hit over 97 today. Not even June yet. I've been sick in bed for the past few days. Stress has caused a bad lupus flare. This place, this town, this state is literally making me sick. Some days I wish it would just finish me off. If I cannot live life, what is the point? I need to live in a small town, a place where I can walk outside my door and go anywhere I want. I still long to live in Wilmore, KY, safe, home. Money, as always, stands in my way. If I had $3800.00 to pay off the rest of my lease, the money to pay for a moving van, gas to get to Wilmore, costs for deposits on a place to live....I'd be gone by the end of the week. 

I've always been told surroundings can add or destroy your life. I am a firm believer in this since I've lived it. My health has been on the fast track to the end for the past five years. It is so much harder when you don't have any family to help. It is so much harder when you don't have anyone who wants you. 

My fever is spiking again so I'd better head back to bed. Before I do that, I'll crawl back on my knees and beg God to send a miracle. I will somehow, some day get out of this place, this town, this state and live again.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

There's Always Hope

Today if I had $3500, I'd pay out the rest of my rent and move out of this place.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

UPDate from Mary

It is in the 90's here already and living upstairs I can really feel the difference! I had forgotten how heat rises. To cut the cost of air conditioning, my fans are turning. Trying to keep the cost cut as long as I can. I hope you are staying cool. Looks like it will be a long, hot summer ahead.

It has been a whirlwind since my move. Started out to be the best place ever. So quiet I slept for days. As the complex started filling up, seems chaos just broke out. Took three months for them to finally get a manager here. Hoping beyond hope they will start enforcing the lease rules now. Was so thrilled when they told me at my interview that they had a 9:00 p.m. curfew here and it would be enforced (and was written in the lease). Seems some think it doesn't apply to them. While taking a letter to the mailbox late one night (to avoid the heat and sun due to my lupus), I was verbally attacked and threatened by a group of people at the pool. Had to call the manager to deal with it. She promptly threw them out. Said later the majority of them didn't live here. Later found out the group didn't live here at all. Just drives over here at night, uses the pool, parties in the parking lot. Note to Self: Unsafe to check mail at night.

Since I've been here, I've fallen down the stairs and had no help getting back up; been a victim of hit and run by a motorized scooter (by a kid) who came flying out of my breezeway, knocked me off my feet onto my back sending me to the doctor for x-rays and more meds; nearly been dog bit from a neighbor's dog (who was here illegally - have to be medically necessary with letter and deposit), cussed out by a neighbor because her dog almost got run over and I returned it to her door (another illegal dog); trying to carrying something up the stairs while my neighbor followed behind me, but never once offered a helping hand (whatever happened to kindness?);  had to stop my afternoon walks because of crowds gathered who wouldn't move off sidewalk (making me feel uncomfortable); and witness to a woman nearly beating her small children until they couldn't walk anymore. The surroundings, once so nice and clean, are full of trash. What a terrible shame for a brand new building.

I have a friend whose friend lives here, too. She has two small children. The crowd in the parking lot keeps her and her children awake. When she asked them to keep it down, they threatened her. She had decided to break her lease. She's too afraid to go to the office or call the police in fear they might hurt her.

My doctor filled out a form so that I could have my mail delivered to my door at my old location. When I moved, the post office came up with 1001 reasons why they couldn't do that here. For four months I begged and pleaded with them. Asked if I needed to renew the form. No response. No return calls. I finally got results when I called the main Postal Service number. It is amazing what happens when Birmingham Consumer Affairs gets involved. Today my mail is delivered to my door. They said what they did was not only wrong, but illegal. Why not? Add it to the list.

Since this past weekend, the police are making a nightly appearance here. If you go outside, you'll see them stopped with a group of people handcuffed. Just too much. So I've resolved to remain inside from this point on until my lease runs out in December.  Don't know where I'll go. How I wish I had family.

UPDate on health: unusual sores appeared on my chest last summer. Doctor said it was allergy from cat. Took antibiotics. In January, still there. Said it might be breast cancer. My rheumatologist sent me to a dermatologist to take a biopsy to rule things out. Turns out it is vasculitis. Huge stretch in diagnosis. These days I spend more time in bed than anything else. Just no strength.

I keep reminding myself to be thankful for every blessing. Today I was able to get out of bed. It was later in the day, but I did get up. I was able to walk across the floor. That was a huge blessing. I sat on the balcony and watched the mocking bird chase the squirrel across the fence. I laughed....huge blessing. All of the small blessings add up. When you get knocked down so much, you're due for something good.

Saturday, May 19, 2012


I haven't felt much like living lately, much less like living with lupus. It has been my enemy, my horrible constant companion. The emotional stress of my surroundings has caused such a horrible flare that I cannot function mentally or physically anymore. The once wonderful place I moved into has turned into another unsafe place to live. It is my surroundings that have made this illness worse. It is this town. It is this place. How I wish I could financially pull myself up and out of this town, out of this state before it puts me in the ground. So I pray. It is all I have left...prayer. Hope. Wait. I won't renew my lease here in December. I've been beaten up too much. My mind, body and soul have taken too much of a toll in the short four months I've been here. Where I'll go, who knows. I still pray for a better surrounding. Safety. Peace. I pray for the finances to pay the way there. Until then, I will have to resign myself to staying inside except to going to the doctor, hospital for tests, and grocery store. It isn't the first time I've been trapped in four walls. 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Searching for a breakthrough

Breakthrough. I need a breakthrough to rid my life of illness. I need a breakthrough to find hope for a brighter tomorrow. I need a breakthrough to find a purpose for my life. Being "imprisoned" in four walls, no matter how much better they may be, is no solution. 

It seems like every time I step outside my door I encounter nasty, irate people. I'm sick of hateful people. I'm sick of using every ounce of strength to fight back (with the illness I have, that isn't much), I'm sick of being alone. 

I'm frustrated. Frustrated with people who take for granted those in their lives who love them, hug them, encourage them, believe in them. Doesn't exist in my life. How I wish it did. I need a breakthrough. 

I hear encouraging messages on tv, but they are geared to families, of which I do not have. My youth was spent caring for mine and their final needs after they died. I wouldn't change those years for anything. Yet, I don't have a family. I'm alone in the world. Churches are geared to families. If you are alone, you are ignored. You don't appear to offer much to give back to them. If you're not married or never have been, there must be something wrong with you. Never does the thought occur that person may have given their life in honor of their parents and sibling who needed their care during those years when marriage and children was their strongest desire. 

People don't take time to find out why. They just pass judgement and go on. They laugh instead of wonder why that person walks with a cane. They step over someone instead of helping them up when they fall down the stairs (happened to me). They stare at the person whose weight has doubled only to peg them as an over eater instead of knowing the truth. She takes twenty medications over the past seventeen years to stabilize her life so that she can live, if indeed this is what you call living. In taking those meds, her metabolism has been destroyed and the weight has come on quickly. The side effects, most of which are weight gain, are at the top of the list to the horrible meds she takes. But it is much easier to pass judgement, laugh and go on. 

I need a breakthrough. I need help. I need someone to take time to reach over the walls and care.