Monday, June 18, 2012

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Another Day of Pain

Today was a day of bed rest. Seems the lupus flare won't let go. Fevers spiked. Swelling continued. I'm sick of meds. But I did get up today and feed the cat, talked with my dear friend in Ohio who calls to check on me. She's got a heart of gold. Amy's been close as a sister to me, a sister of my choosing. I'm so thankful for her. We met in college and have shared many laughs, many tears, frustrations, and joys. No matter how many years passed, our distance has not prevented our friendship from being close. I cannot tell her how thankful I am to have a friend like her. 

Today I wanted to go outside so badly, but I knew I couldn't do so. The complex is still not safe, especially my section. I met my next door neighbor yesterday when I returned from the hospital (tests). We never crossed paths until then. She works at the Medical Center and stays on the go all of the time. We share a wall, but I never hear her. I wasn't sure anyone lived there until I saw the doormat appear. She's a grandmother. A dear soul. She was telling me about the problems she encountered with the people downstairs and asked if I had any problems. She said she was going to the office Friday to talk to the manager. So, yet again, I am reassured it isn't just me. There are so serious problems at the bottom of our stairs and if they don't do something about it, there will be something bad to happen. I don't want her or anyone else to be the victim of their actions. 

Tonight I read a post on facebook from an old college friend. He said sometimes it was better to remove yourself from someone who was "poor me". I always thought it was better not to judge someone who was in great pain for you never know what their life was like or what they were going through. Too, isn't it better to show love and encouragement to someone whose heart is broken from life? I know that's what I need. There is no one to encourage me or love me during this painful struggle of illness. I have no family. I'm isolated 95% of the time. Instead of "shunning" someone because they appear to "bring you down", you should be sharing love to them, the kind your family so freely gives to you, the encouragement you are so richly given, instead of judging the life that is struggling before you. When someone is hurting, they don't need you to "guide them to the answer or guide them to the light." They just need someone to believe in them and love them. It is just that simple. 

It bothered me so much to read that comment. How can someone be so blind?  Is that why this world is so cold-hearted? 

Sometimes we all need someone just to believe in us and to love us. Otherwise, there's nothing left.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Where There is Hope

Today I reminded myself where there is hope, there is a reason to keep on going. Lupus has really knocked me down the past few weeks. The stress of my living conditions has crippled my life tremendously. Living, or existing, inside because I'm afraid to go out in my apartment complex has impacted the flares I'm having. My joints are swollen, fevers, spending more time in bed from being sick in general. Swelling all over. So much fun!

 Thank goodness for that furry twelve year old feline, Rascal. If I didn't have him, I don't know what I'd do. He is my only company, my only family. He's there when I'm sick sleeping by my side. He's there when I'm crying, which seems to be more frequent lately. I will never understand why some people hate animals. They are more compassionate and loving than most people. I could never have survived the last few years of my life without him. 

I'm still on my knees every day praying God will send a miracle to get me out of here. I'm looking for a house in Wilmore, KY. Of course, miracles these days cost move, to put down deposits, etc. When you're living on $868.00 a month and your rent is $580, most of it is gone already. So I'm praying God will send me a miracle. He has sent many in the past. The most memorable ones came during my brother's cancer. Money came when we had none to get him to treatment in TX. Money came when we had none to pay his bills. People surrounded us when we needed love and support. Even though this world has changed into an uncaring, dangerous place, I still believe God will send me the same help he did my brother before he died. And I'll stay on my knees until He does and on my knees after. 

The stress is bad now. It has caused systemic lupus and the countless other illnesses spawned from it to be far worse than it has in the past, but today I woke up and if I wake up tomorrow, He must have a reason for me being here. There has to be something good around the corner. It has to be far better than what I've endured the last few years here.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Others' Experience

While in a waiting room yesterday, I found myself talking with a couple who had moved down from KY to be closer to their daughters. Since moving here, the man whom they arranged housing (fixing it up while they lived there in exchange for housing) turned out to be true to the nature of the people of this area. In other words, he didn't keep his word. They are living in a trailer with plywood floors, poorly insulated, a bad water heater that raises their electric bill over $300 a month (without using the air conditioning), and now refuses to pay for any supplies to repair the place per their agreement. The landlord also has other rental property and has tenants in situations begging for help. He, of course, doesn't intend to do anything about it. They used every penny they had to move down here last year and are now stuck. The job opportunity is non-existent. People don't help others in need. They were amazed at how little programs of assistance were available here. Where they lived, auto shop students at the area school volunteered their time and skill to work on cars for those in need. Here, nothing. And people in general just didn't seem to care at all. I heard a lot of regret in their voices, a lot of struggle and pain. They came down here to be close to their daughters and were treated like everyone else in this area. Beaten down, kicked to the curb, life sucked out of them. 

I will never understand why anyone would want to live here. In their situation, they had hope. The area beat it out of them.

I am determined more than ever to find a way to KY before this place takes what is left from my life.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Just want an opportunity

Trapped or opportunity for a life? Which one would you choose? I just want an opportunity to live, to have friends again, to have a chosen family. Will never have that opportunity in the town I'm in. Please, God, give me the open door, the helping hand I need to get there from here.