Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Sick again...

I am sick again. Weather changed. I pushed myself too hard. I am sick again. Fever of 102. Joints hurt. Can barely breathe. Yes, lupus is active again. My system is weak. Been in bed for two days. Missed Water Aerobics and Bible study. Just have to stop pushing myself. Even though I want so badly to do something every day, my body won't let me. I can't physically keep up. My mind says, "Let's do this and this and this"....but my body gets weak and sick. And now I sit up in bed or in this chair wishing I felt better. 

When I am weak, I also feel emotionally bad. I start feeling bad because there is no one here to help me. No one I can rely on to get a drink for me. No one to bring something to eat. I pulled myself out of bed today to feed the cat and make a sandwich. This disease is so controlling. When it hits, I just stop, close my eyes and pray for better days to come.

Can't blame others for not understanding. Unless you deal with a chronic illness, you'll never understand. It isn't like the flu or a cold. It doesn't go away. You have it forever. The symptoms get better, you go on, then they flare. You live each day one at a time. It does make me angry though when people don't listen enough to try to understand I'm in pain and need help. I think Christians can be the worst. They "pray" for you, which is wonderful. I need the prayer. But I also need the physical help, the encouragement, the volunteer to run to the grocery store or keep me company. I still have not committed to a church here. One reason is because of the bad experiences I've had back in AL. Other reason is because I can't walk the distance to either church I've visited. Another is because I don't want to go to a church where I don't feel God's love past the front door on Sunday. 

So Rascal and I keep each other company. He's been more of a constant friend over the years. He knows when I'm sick. Stays close to me. Never talks behind my back. Never judges me. Loves me unconditionally. He listens. 

I'm ready to be over this flare. I see a new doctor on Thursday. Hoping he will be a good one. I'm tired.

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