Sunday, February 24, 2013

Searching for Dreams

I've always been told if you don't have dreams, you don't have life. I think I gave up on dreams a long time ago when this disease devoured my life. The meds robbed me of my creative writing. I'm extremely exhausted, in so much pain, cannot function like a normal person. The dreams were crowded out a long time ago. 

As I sit here tonight I realize no matter where I go in this world, people are all the same with the exception of a few. They all pass judgement on what they see. They don't take time to get to know the person behind the disability. It is easier to judge than to ask why. 

In Alabama I felt like a prisoner trapped not only in a broken body, but trapped inside four walls from the horrible crime outside my door. I am afraid of becoming a prisoner of four walls again at my own doing. I feel the protection building up around me. It is easier to build those walls than to feel that broken heart from someone's heartless words, shunned actions, attacks

I don't want to live this way. It isn't living. It is existing. I've existed in this broken body so long. So what is the alternative? 

My friend, Amy, still believes in the goodness of people. She wants to prove to me they care. I, however, am doubtful because I've been so terribly hurt over the years. Different experiences in life. 

I'm glad she hasn't been treated like I have even though she has been treated badly in her own way. I've just had the hope literally beaten out of me when it comes to people. 

But where do I find those lost dreams I once had? How do I get them back?      

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