Thursday, March 14, 2013

A Writer's Blog

If you're wondering why my print is so large, it is because my vision is so bad! Lupus has destroyed so much of my body that it also includes my sight. Even with glasses, I see everything through a blurred cloud. So the purpose of large print is for me to be able to see what I'm writing.

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Today I went to the Writer's group. There was a mixture of written stories today from funny anecdotes to heart wrenching memories. One lady brought props for her story. Actually they were chocolate covered strawberries - SO GOOD!

The more I attend this class, the more I realize how inadequate my writing has become over the years. I know some of it is due to not writing in general. A great deal of it is due to the affect of the medication I take for systemic lupus. And then there's the disease itself - both medication and illness have robbed me of so much concentration and creativity.

These ladies write about happy childhood memories, detailed articles they researched, grief they are still wading through. They are so articulate and open. I don't have happy childhood memories, am not interested in research, and my whole life has been a combination of grief. I just don't know how to share it openly with a group of people without fear of being judged. There are just too many deep wounds.

They write about their children, grandchildren and husbands. I don't have any of those. Today they wrote about how being loved gives hope and can change a life from an endless situation of bad to a future of good. I agree completely. But I realized at that moment I have not been loved.

My mother never wanted a second child. She told me on a daily basis she didn't want me. "You're an ugly child. No man will ever want you. I hate you. I wish you'd never been born." Those are the words of the woman who should have been loving and encouraging.

My father was hard working, but not affectionate. He did not make up for the lack of love from my mother. I was told he was very doting when I was a baby, but those doting years were gone after I reached school age. I have no memory of the doting years.

My brother was 13 years older than me. He was never taught to be loving so he was not loving or encouragin either. If I heard anything good he said, someone else had to tell me.

I never married. No children. No grandchildren. I took care of my family members until they died. I have lived 18 years with a disease that has prevented me from so much of life. It also cost me an engagement. He didn't want to deal with a sick wife.

Today I realized I have never been loved. Should I hope God will provide that love in my life before I die or should I just accept the fact I'm destined to be void of someone's love, encouragement and security for as long as my body draws breath?

Someone told me today that I'm not alone, that I have the "Family of God." I know this, but I would still love to have a real family like they do. Sometimes you just need a person to hold you.

 I wondered if she could accept having only the family of God in her life.

It has been a hard week physically. The weather has gone up and down so much that it threw me into a horrible flare on Monday. Swollen joints, massive pain, no comfort. By Wednesday I was covered in lupus sores and had developed a fever of 102.  It didn't help having an emotional upset last week. That always causes illness.

But today I forced myself to get dressed and go to Writer's group. While hoping for inspiration and encouragement, I walked away with a heavy heart. Truth is there is nothing they could have done to change it. It is just my reality. I have accepted this. Sometimes I just wish there would be a sign of hope for change.

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