Monday, April 22, 2013

Just Want to Scream!!!!!!

Today I just want to SCREAM!!!!! For two weeks in a row I've gone to water aerobics only to sit on the sidelines. The water has been too cold for me to participate. Instead I've had to sit in the TV area and wait for the class to be over since I came with a friend. The Luce Center is too far away for me to walk.

The swim team practices early Monday mornings. They have to practice in a cold pool. I get that. It isn't a hard thing to do to flip a switch and turn on the heat before you leave. But they don't do it. So I can't participate. The cold water sets off a lupus flare and puts me in bed for a week or two. The pain is worse when I come out of a cold pool than before I went into one.

This is a group of mostly older women. You'd think the college would understand how bad cold water is on arthritis and other illnesses. But they don't seem to care. At least their actions show they just don't care.

My life has been affected by too many people who just don't care. I've been emotionally destroyed by people whose verbal abuse, harsh judgement, hateful remarks have all but destroyed my self esteem and self awareness. I've reached a point in my life where it is so hard to trust another person in fear they, too, will "beat" what's left of my soul out of me.

I've wrapped a thick wall around my heart. Unfortunately, the wall still has ears and the ears still hear heartbreaking words. The heartbreaking words bring stress to my body. The stress causes flares. The flares cause irrepairable damage to my body. I have to deal with this damaged body alone.

So I try to protect myself physically from pending pain - whatever may set off a potential flare - and emotionally - whatever may destroy what's left of my heart.

It all comes back to this: we live in a world filled with people who just don't care. I treasure the few I can count on one hand who do.

I attend a Bible study once a week. Since I've been sick with lupus flares several times since January, there have been several I've missed. No phone calls. No emails. No one checks on me. Tomorrow is the last one until September. Since it is the last one, one of the members called tonight. The purpose? To ask for money so that they could buy a gift for the teacher and the one who has offered her home for the study. I don't mind participating. In fact, I wanted to. I just wish my first phone call would have been for another reason.

People are people no matter where you go. My duplex neighbor only knocks on my door when the internet is down. We made a deal when he and his family moved in next door. He can have access to my internet if he takes care of both yards since I cannot physically cut the grass. Personally I think he gets the best part of the deal since winter doesn't give need for grass cutting. But they never speak. When I am outside and they are, too, they go inside. Young seminary students with two children. Never had a cross word. Just not that friendly. I expected better from seminary students.

Still, I am thankful for them. They are far better than any neighbors I had in Alabama.

Looks as if I have to find a new way to exercise. I can't continue to go to water aerobics, strip down to a swimsuit only to change and wait in the tv room. It is way too depressing. I am priviledge to bad "lack of dress" code at Asbury. Last week I sat across from a young man with a backwards ball cap, dirty jeans, torn t-shirt and flip flops. He walked out of class that way. Today I watched a girl walk by with a short short dress. If she had bent over all of her business would not have been a secret. So many guys walked into class with shorts. Just made me sick! This college use to teach kids how to dress respectfully. Now they are educating a bunch of slobs! I wonder what benefactors would say if they happened to show up one day and view the appearance of students.

I attended a play recently. "Music Man." I don't remember that time period having a nose ring. Yet Asbury now allows them.

I was told they couldn't wear shorts on campus until after 4:00. Today I saw a girl sitting in the semi-circle wearing shorts. It was around 1:30.

Just makes me sick and not because we didn't dress that way. It shows a lack of respect for themselves. They looked horrible. What are the Board of Directors thinking?

Yes, I'm ranting today! I'm mad. I need a new form of exercise to vent my aggravation. To release this horrible pain. But I am limited. I can't walk more than a block without my spine freezing in pain. I can't walk in heat anymore than I can walk in cold. They have the same effect.

So maybe I should try doing yoga stretches again. I haven't done those in MANY years. My floor is concrete with a thin carpet covering so I will need a thick thick pad. Another expense! But if I don't protect myself, I can break a bone easily. I've had one in the past. I just can't afford a pad right now. But I can't afford NOT to do some kind of exercise. I'm just afraid to do it on a concrete floor. I cannot take a yoga class. I'm not physically able to do the stretches at the pace of a class. But I can do a class via DVD.

Oh how I wish I could get the prescription filled for the Flector patch! May 3rd where are you? It seems days on the calendar just ticks off slowly. It worked before and I hope it works again. Neurotin was too strong for me. I could not tolerate it. End of story. End of pills. I just want to be rid of pain!

I didn't have exercise today. The pain is horrible. Hoping sleep will release some of it. Pain in my body. Pain in my mind. Pain in my heart.

 

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