Sunday, May 5, 2013

Cold and Rainy

Today is a cold and rainy day. I woke up with so much pain this morning that I could barely get out of bed. The weather always sets off a lupus flare. I could feel it coming yesterday as the clouds rolled in. The pressure felt like an elephant sitting on my chest.

I attended a ballet recital with a friend yesterday. Her friends' daughter was in it. Was a day brightener! The kids did a great job, beautiful costumes, and the message they shared was clear. They did "The Parable of the Sower." I caught myself laughing when I saw a little girl holding her mouth just right when she posed in her ballet position. Reminded me of coloring as a child. You had to hold your mouth just right to get the crayon color in the line. How I wish I could have experienced the joys of motherhood!

Afterwards we took another friend out for her birthday. Had a good meal, something I don't get very often anymore. Just can't afford it. The restaurant had  the KY Derby on tv. Of course, this is KY so they would have the derby on. The wait staff was taking bets among themselves.

We went to the friend's house and watched the derby. This is the first time I saw the KY Derby in KY.

Wasn't long after though we headed home. My body was already stiff with pain. By the time we arrived, I walked in the door, fed the cats and crawled into bed. Still took hours to fall asleep. Pain does that - keeps you from much needed sleep.

I don't miss the extreme heat and humidity of S. Alabama, but I never expected it to be cold in early May. The truth is the temp is perfect - no humidity, easy to breathe, no sweating. Wish the summer would stay this temp. It is the combination of cold and wet that hurts so much.

I feel down today, alone in the world. Every one's life is changing all around me, but mine only seems to change in the form of a worsening disease. So many times I wish I could go home, walk in the door, crawl into my old bed and feel the security once more. But there is no home to go home to - not anymore. No family. Friends I can count on one hand.

Today I wish I had the strength to stand in front of the sink and wash my dishes, but the pain is too much. I wish I could stand in the shower, but the pain is too much. I wish I could sleep, but the pain is too much.

Today I wish I could say life is so good because wonderful things are happening - but I cannot. The pain is too much. There seem to be too many of those days in my life. And today I am afraid of what might come if my illness gets worse.

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