Sunday, September 1, 2013

Random Thoughts On A Sunday Afternoon

Welcome September! Won't be long before your cooler days and crisp nights will ease the pain I suffer with every day. I'll usher out the heat and say goodbye with happiness to summer. Fall is one of my favorite times of year. In Wilmore, the leaves turn, the air is cool, and Fall is a change of season. Every day I look at the thermometer outside my door longing for summer's hold to release and cooler temps to seep in. Just a few more degrees please! I tried sitting on the porch this afternoon, but just couldn't bear it. Lasted only fifteen minutes.

Fall is only a breath away. The days are getting longer now. The fireflies are not as many. Before long there will be leaves scattered across the yard covering grass that has gone to sleep for the season. As the temps fall, winter will be only a hop, skip and a jump away. A winter's snow, clean, crisp and white, will cover what is just a memory of the heat that destroys my body right now. I look forward to winter's snow.

So much to do inside - clean out, put away, sort. Yet the heat has done its damage and flared my lupus once more slowing me down to a snail's pace. So the pile that needs cleaning, putting away and sorting is left undone. There is no one to do it for me. No one volunteers to help. No one lives here but me and the cat.

I've learned not to stress about the pile of undone tasks that others would judge as lazy. They don't understand. I wouldn't wish this disease on anyone. Yes, I get angry at those who know I am sick, but pass judgement on me anyway. They don't stop and think about what it feels like to suffer after eighteen years of battling a disease slowly destroying the body I live in on a day to day basis. They don't understand the horrid side effects the multiple medications I take do to my mind, body and soul, but I have to take them. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. They don't understand how it feels to walk on two feet and two legs that have no feeling anymore. It takes full concentration to walk on limbs that don't work while you lean on a cane. At the same time, the body you lean on has been so damaged by flares, meds, other illnesses, etc. that the pain is sometimes unbearable. How could anyone understand unless they have felt the same pain? They don't understand the tasks I can accomplish on a day to day basis are very limited.

Yesterday I searched through an old box and found a scrap book of photos from my Wallace College days. There were the faces of old friends, guys I had such big crushes on (but they didn't know I existed), and memories. The memories were of fun times and times when I was so unsure of myself, seeing myself as hideously ugly (thanks to the daily reminder of my mother), and having no self confidence at all. I looked at those photos and wondered then what was so wrong with me? All of those horrible views I saw in the mirror were put there by the words my mother spoke - you're ugly, no one will ever want you. And I believed her. Words are hard to heal once they are beaten into a child. Be careful what you say. They're even quite harmful to adults. I believe in the "don't say anything if you can't say something good" analogy.

Go one step further. If you hear something good said about someone this week, tell that person. They will never know unless you tell them. Just think of the difference it would make in their life.


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