Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Update on Cat Scan Plans

On Nov. 26th, they will scan my aortic thoracic aneurysm which is near my heart. When I received the paperwork in the mail yesterday, it also stated "lung nodules." No one ever told me about this diagnosis so I called them to enquire. She said they discovered lung nodules in my right lung when they scanned last year. They are 3 cm. I asked what that meant and finally after beating around the bush, she said it could possibly be cancer. If the nodules have grown, they will have to do a biopsy to determine if this is cancer.

I knew they would be searching for other aneurysms, but this one came out of the blue! I am still stunned. Whatever they find, they find. Just add it to the already growing list. By the time the scan rolls around, I'll accept it. Right now I'm still stunned.

Sometimes it is just so much easier not to know.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Remembering My Brother

 Sunday, Oct. 27th is the anniversary of my brother's death. He died at age 46 from cancer in 1994. It was one of the most difficult days of my life.

I cared for him during his illness and decline while working full time. Cancer is a horrible disease. It is also a "helpless" one. When there is no hope left and you have to face the fact your only sibling is dying, it is horrible.

I went to work that morning and as soon as I arrived, a phone call came. My brother was dying. He was gone before I made it home that day. Never have gotten over this loss. Just learned to live with it.

Life sometimes isn't what you plan. Illness, death, loss, etc., come in when we least expect it. Two years after my brother died, I lost my dad. He was the last member of my family.

Someone told me God provides a "family" when you're alone. This has never happened to me. I've had to struggle alone for a long time now. My own illness has taken me hostage into a world of being alone, wishing for hugs where there are none, just to see another face during the day. It is a different world.

One thing I have experienced that has held to be true is people may mean well, but words are empty without action. With some people, words are just words. No follow through. No anything. I've had to learn to block out useless words that fall to the ground never to take root.

I was taught that your word is your greatest asset. When someone says they will do something, they do it. I will never say I'll do something unless I can do it. And if I can't, I will tell you so. Too many people don't take this as a promise anymore or perhaps promises have become just endless words. What is happening to this world?!

There was a poll in the news this week. It asked if there should be a law where children take care of their elderly parents. WHY should this even be a law? You just do it. And if you refuse to do it, then your parents shouldn't have to endure your neglect. I took care of my mom until she died. I took care of my brother and my dad until they died. You just do it. Has this world become so selfish that they just don't care anymore?

Taking care of my brother, watching him grow weaker and weaker from cancer and then passing away was the hardest thing I've ever done. But you know what? I wouldn't trade a moment spent doing it. I miss him terribly.



----------------------------------------------------------------

Last night I had a wonderful dream with the same person appearing. Seems to be the star of these dreams. He came for a visit and brought me a check for a great deal of money. I remember giving it back to him and telling him just being with him was worth more. I've had recurring dreams of this person over the past few years. I always wake up the same: Sad. Wishing they would come true. Wishing they were real. Asking God why I keep dreaming of this person. So I say a prayer for him and put him in God's hands.

If only we could make our night time dreams reality. I wonder if you dream about someone like this, do they dream of you, too?

Friday, October 25, 2013

Doctors' Appointments Coming Around the Bend


Time to get a catscan and x-ray of my thoracic aneurysm near my heart. Scan is set for Nov 26 at 9:30 a.m. See the doctor Dec. 3rd. When I called the first time, no one bothered to tell me my surgeon had moved to Boston! So now I see a new doctor - Dr. Appleby. When they do the scan this time, they will be looking for other aneurysms in my body.

Then off to a new rheumatologist on Dec. 31st. Hoping she works out to be a better fit.

I truly hate my thoracic surgeon moved. I really liked him. He took great care with me, thoroughly examined me, and listened. Would have been nice to know he had moved on!

I'm not feeling well today (again). It has been a week since I've seen another soul. When you're sick, you don't fall into the active friend stage. Seems people want to be friends if you have something to offer them. When you're sick, the only thing you have left is your heart. Not many people want that part.

It was a very restless night with pain surging through my back again. I'm not sure what is going on, but for weeks now my back has been in excruciating pain. I still believe it is the horrible mattress I sleep on. When I get up in the morning, I can barely move. If there is a solution I wish someone would help me find it.

It has been terribly cold the past few days. Saw a few snowflakes fall yesterday. The temps dove to 29 degrees last night. The cold will be gone soon and another warm up coming. Still, the cold will return by the end of next week and my body will bounce from one extreme to another. If it would stay one temp or another, that would be better for me.

With all the doctor's appointments coming up, I dread to see the cost of all the scans, bills, etc. As is I can make it month to month if I stretch my medications, cut cost with food, and pay for basic bills. How I'll make it over the next two months is beyond me. Prayer and hope.


 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Sad Part of Being Sick

I'd say the saddest part about being sick is being alone. You find yourself wishing there was one person who cared enough to check on you. You lose count of the number of days that pass by without seeing another person. Then you realize just how alone you truly are.

If you have family, cherish them. No matter what differences you have, be thankful for them.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

IT'S 2:30 A.M.

It is 2:30 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. Rain is coming down in gentle flow. The air outside isn't too cold as I feed Buddy and Tom, both of whom are curled up in their own individual boxes on the covered front porch. The neighborhood stray, a black cat with one white toe, sits on the sidelines just waiting for Tom to stop yelling at him so that he, too, can partake of a few dry food pieces and be on his way. They simply don't like each other and make it known in a LOUD way when their paths are crossed. But I cannot chase away a hungry animal. So I sit on the porch as a block between the two until Tom eats and returns to his box once more. To me, animals are not only God's creation. They are God's gift to us. And the fact remains I would give food to a hungry human as much as I would an animal who shows up on my doorstep. I will not stand before God Almighty and answer for not feeding His creation when they came to my door. If people cannot understand this, I'm sorry for you. Will never turn away a hungry person or someone in need. I know how that feels. Will never turn away a hungry animal for I know how it feels to be thrown away and neglected.

Fact still remains, it is now 2:45 a.m. in Wilmore, KY and I haven't been to sleep yet. The pain is too immense. So it will be a day of (hopeful) rest. Sometimes I wish for a GOOD surprise in the mail (instead of junk and bills) or flowers to remind me my life still counts to someone. But the surprises do not come. The flowers, a mere wish, never show up. And the thought that my life still matters to someone else is a memory.

There is always HOPE.

So the rain is coming down in sheets now, heavy enough to soothe, but not heavy enough to storm. My eyes are so droopy. I can barely keep them open. How I pray sleep will find me soon and the pain will drift off to another world. My sleep is reserved for good dreams, pain free dreams, and hope. It is there I find solace and peace.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.....time to try again.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Lupus Flares Galore!

PAINFUL lupus flares! Every joint in my body is in pain. I've had two pretty high fevers just today. With the temps dropping so fast and the rain/wintry mix coming in, looks like I'll be housebound yet again. I long to go for a walk through Wilmore and look at the changing Fall leaves. But this horribly sick body just won't cooperate.

On days when my lupus is so active, it is hard to find something I can do. With swollen hands it is difficult to knit. With pain off the scale, it is hard to write, to concentrate. I feel like a statue frozen in suffering. Cannot find a chair to support my back pain. Instead everything I sit in seems to flare it worse. Have to get one of those glider rockers! Best back support ever.

Would be so nice to have family, at least one person to be here when I feel so very bad. Would be nice to have someone to bring hot meals, clean for me, even wash my dishes for these are the things I cannot do on days like this.

Weather is predicting possible snow mixed in with the cold rain. I've put off turning on the heat (expense issues), but tonight I'll have to do so. My electric blanket isn't doing the job it should be. Even Rascal is telling me time to turn on the heat!

This is the weather I remember from college years. Cold, wet October. Snow (hopefully) beginning in November. Perhaps this will be Winter like I those I remember so many years ago.

Saving to My Site


Evangelist Billy Graham
By Troy Anderson
Just as Noah did in ancient times, world-renowned evangelist Billy Graham is sounding the alarm that the Second Coming is “near” and signs of the end of the age are “converging now for the first time since Jesus made those predictions.”
Earlier this month, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu told the United Nations General Assembly “biblical prophecies are being realized.”
And last week, Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., claimed the world has entered the last days.
“When you see up is down and right is wrong, when this is happening, we were told this: that these days would be as the days of Noah,” Bachmann said.
The remarks by Graham, Netanyahu and Bachmann come amid a steadily rising wave of public interest in the end times, as demonstrated by recent polls and New York Times and Amazon.com bestselling books such as “The Harbinger: The Ancient Mystery That Holds the Secret of America’s Future,” by Rabbi Jonathan Cahn, and “Four Blood Moons: Something is About to Change,” by Pastor John Hagee.
In September, a poll by the Ventura, Calif.-based Barna Group found 4 in 10 Americans – and 77 percent of evangelical Christians – believe the “world is now living in the biblical end times.”
Now, a new wave of end-times predictions for 2014 and 2015 involving blood moons on Jewish holy days and prophetically significant events on the Shemitah – the ancient biblical year of the Sabbath – are igniting even more interest in humanity’s ultimate fate.
Throw in next year’s reboot of the “Left Behind” film featuring Nicolas Cage and the cinematic destruction of biblical proportions in “Noah,” starring Russell Crowe, and last-days fever is back with a mainstream vengeance.
“I think we’re on the verge of a global awakening in interest in apocalyptic events,” said Paul McGuire, an internationally recognized prophecy expert who is a regular commentator on Fox News and CNN and appeared on two highly rated History Channel specials, including “7 Signs of the Apocalypse.”
“I see a fuse being lit here, between what Billy Graham, Michele Bachman and Benjamin Netanyahu said, and I think there is going to be an explosion of interest in the end times like nothing we’ve ever seen before,” McGuire said.
Watching the signs
In an exclusive email interview with WND, Graham, 94, who is giving what may be his last message to the world as part of the My Hope America with Billy Graham evangelistic outreach in early November, said the world is “coming toward the end of the age.”
“There’s a great deal to say in the Bible about the signs we’re to watch for and when these signs all converge at one place we can be sure that we’re close to the end of the age,” Graham wrote. “And those signs, in my judgment, are converging now for the first time since Jesus made those predictions.”
In his new book, “The Reason for My Hope: Salvation,” the famed preacher who has delivered the gospel message to more people face-to-face than anyone in history wrote the great hope of the Christian faith rests in the promised return of Christ.
Graham said he now has a burden for “sounding the alarm for humanity to repent and turn from their sin … just as Noah did in ancient days.”
“God keeps his promises, and this is why we can be sure that the return of Christ is near,” Graham said. “Scripture tells us that there will be signs pointing toward the return of the Lord. I believe all these signs are evident today.”
The evangelistic outreach and book come as a number of major evangelists – Graham, his son Franklin Graham, Reinhard Bonnke, Greg Laurie, Luis Palau, Banning Liebscher and others – are turning their attention toward America in the hope of helping ignite what Graham calls an end-times “great spiritual awakening.”
In what the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association describes as the largest outreach in its six-decade history, Graham will give a dynamic and poignant pre-recorded message the week of Nov. 7, his 95th birthday. The My Hope programs will be available for viewing online and on YouTube. The Cross, the primary program in the My Hope series, will be broadcast on the Fox News channel, TBN, Christian networks and local television stations in a number of cities.
The event follows an open letter Graham released in the summer of 2012 titled “My Heart Aches for America.”
In the letter, Graham wondered what his late wife, Ruth, would think of a nation in which “self-centered indulgence, pride and a lack of shame over sin are now emblems of the American lifestyle.”
Graham compared America to the ancient city of Nineveh, the lone superpower of its time. When the prophet Jonah finally traveled to Nineveh and proclaimed God’s warning, the people repented and escaped judgment, Graham wrote, adding he believes the same thing could happen today.
Acceleration
The end-times warnings by Graham, Netanyahu, Bachmann and others come amid a series of events in recent years that have prompted many to ask whether the countdown to Armageddon has begun.
The events include the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, Hurricane Katrina, the global recession and more recently what some view as an increase in purported end-times signs, including super-earthquakes, mega-tsunamis and gargantuan storms and tornadoes.
“We’re looking at things like the possibility of another global economic meltdown,” said McGuire, an author of 22 prophecy books, including “The Day the Dollar Died” and the upcoming “A Prophecy of the Future of America.”
“Consider the earthquake warnings, the potential volcanic eruption of Yellowstone, the Japanese tsunamis and the radiation from the Fukushima nuclear disaster traveling across the ocean and contaminating the food supply here on the West Coast, along with massive tornadoes the size of which we’ve never seen in human history,” he said.
McGuire said government and scientific experts are also expressing concerns about the potential of a massive West Coast tsunami, increased solar flare activity and severe climate change.
“The dramatic and unprecedented planetary climate change is something on the level of the apocalyptic predictions of the Bible,” McGuire said. “We’re on the verge right now, because of climate change, of massive food and water shortages, which could affect tens of millions of people worldwide because of the droughts that have occurred. The intense heat and water shortages have dried up the crops, and we are going to see that play out in the near future because of all the freak weather.”
Blood moons
Against this apocalyptic backdrop, prominent faith leaders such as Graham, Greg Laurie, Cahn and John Hagee say they are witnessing an unparalleled acceleration in last-days signs that suggest the Second Coming is fast approaching.
Hagee, pastor of Cornerstone Church and author of the newly-released book “Four Blood Moons,” told his 22,000-member congregation recently that the appearance of four blood moons on Jewish holy days between April 2014 and October 2015 points to a “world-shaking event” that could signify the beginning of events leading up to the seven-year Great Tribulation.
“I believe that the heavens are God’s billboard – that he has been sending signals to planet Earth and we just haven’t been picking them up,” Hagee told his San Antonio, Texas, congregation. “Today, with the help of God’s word and some very astute scientists, I’m going to walk you through 500 years (of four blood moons on Jewish feast days) and show you how God is literally screaming at the world: ‘I am coming soon.’”
The phenomenon, a rare combination of lunar and solar eclipses, has only occurred a few times in the last 500 years – 1492, 1948 and 1967. It will happen again in 2014-15.
The previous dates correspond with the Jews’ expulsion from Spain and Christopher Columbus’ discovery of America (a sanctuary for the Jewish people), the creation of Israel, the Six-Day War and what Hagee and other Bible prophecy scholars believe could be the Middle East “War of Gog and Magog” predicted by the prophet Ezekiel 2,700 years ago. This war, according to Bible prophecy scholars, involves an attack on Israel by a coalition of nations led by Russia and Iran.
“The Bible speaks of signs in the heavens that have been discovered and recorded by NASA that you yourself can find on Google on the Internet,” Hagee told his church. “The coming four blood moons point to a world-shaking event that will happen between April 2014 and October 2015. What does it mean? What is the prophetic significance? Is this the end of the age?”
Likewise, Cahn, author of “The Harbinger,” which has remained on the New York Times bestseller list since its release in January 2012, says his book highlights a pattern of escalating judgments at seven-year intervals on the Shemitah that may point to another major prophetic event between September 2014 and September 2015.
Cahn’s book, based on a real-life prophetic mystery he discovered in Isaiah 9, frames a biblical warning of national judgment in a narrative as a journalist encounters a mysterious figure, “The Prophet,” who claims the same nine harbingers of divine judgment that preceded the destruction of Israel 2,700 years ago are now manifesting in America.
The book, and its newly released nonfiction version, “The Harbinger Companion,” notes that the greatest stock market crashes in American history occurred seven years apart. The first was shortly after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks and the next on Sept. 29, 2008, amid a global economic panic.
“Both crashes took place on the exact same biblical day, Elul 29, the day of the Shemitah, the day appointed in the Bible to strike a nation’s financial realm, and wipe clean its financial accounts,” said Cahn, the senior rabbi at the nation’s largest messianic congregation, the Beth Israel Worship Center in Wayne, N.J.
“The Shemitah is based on a seven-year cycle,” he said. “If you go back seven years from the greatest crash in our financial history, it takes you to [Sept. 17, 2001].”
And while Sept. 11, 2001, and Sept. 29, 2008, are not exactly seven years apart on the Western calendar, they are on the biblical Hebrew calendar, Cahn pointed out.
“On the biblical Hebrew calendar, it was Elul 29, the Day of the Shemitah, to strike a nation’s financial realm,” Cahn said. “So the greatest crashes in American history, up to those days, each happened on the exact same biblical day, the day that just happened to be appointed to strike a nation’s financial realm, and exactly seven biblical years apart to the very day and the very hours.”
The next Shemitah begins in September 2014 and concludes in September 2015. And while he’s not “dogmatic as to what will happen,” Cahn said it’s quite curious to note that the dates of the blood moons “in some ways parallel the Shemitah’s in that they take place also between 2014 and 2015.”
“The correlation between (the blood moons) and the Hebrew holidays are very interesting,” Cahn said. “The occurrence of the blood moons on these Jewish holidays occurred only a few times in the past 2,000 years. Some of these, in the early Middle Ages, are hard to connect to significant dates. But the last three, the Spanish expulsion, the birth of Israel and the regaining of Jerusalem, are all very significant dates in Jewish history and, in the case of two of these, in end-time prophecy.”
Haven’t we heard this before?
Despite these apocalyptic portents, critics point to a nearly endless string of failed end-times predictions dating back thousands of years. This includes the the Mayan apocalypse on Dec. 21, 2012, and radio evangelist Harold Camping’s prediction that Christ would return on May 21, 2011.
Laurie, pastor of the 15,000-member Harvest Christian Fellowship in Riverside, Calif., and president of Harvest Crusades, said he’s seen many end-times prognosticators come and go over the last several decades.
Laurie, who got his start under the ministry of Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa Pastor Chuck Smith, who died Oct. 3 at age 86, became a Christian during the Jesus Movement of the 1970s – a time when there was a great emphasis on the imminent return of Christ.
It was the decade of Hal Lindsey’s “The Late Great Planet Earth,” the book the New York Times called the “No. 1 nonfiction bestseller” of the 1970s. The book popularized prophetic beliefs about the last days and contributed to the Jesus Movement.
“Well, clearly, decades have passed and Jesus has not returned,” Laurie said. “Were we misguided in our beliefs? Well, I don’t think we were. The Bible says that God is not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance and it also says in the same series of verses that God is not late as some men count lateness, but is longsuffering toward us.
“And I’m glad that God did not answer our prayers back in the early ’70s for Jesus to come back, because if he had, there would have been a lot of people who would have missed the Rapture and would have gone through the Tribulation period.”
Today, Franklin Graham, the president of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, said there is an urgency and sense “that the Lord Jesus could be returning soon.”
“The Bible gives us warning signs,” he said. “Jesus told his disciples the things people should be looking for, and I believe all the prophecies that have to take place for Jesus to return have been fulfilled.”
One of the big prophecies was the rebirth of the nation of Israel in 1948.
“It’s just now a question of when is that time, and I believe in my own heart that it’s sometime soon,” he said. “When I say soon – the next 10, 20 years – I don’t know. But as far as the history of the world, I believe we’re coming down to the midnight hour on God’s clock.”
‘We can’t go on much longer’
Charlie Daniels, the country music legend and the host of the recent documentary, “Behold a Pale Horse: America’s Last Chance,” said Billy Graham is a very dedicated man of God and “what he’s feeling is very much valid and in connection with what is going on now.”
“I also feel the end times are approaching,” said Daniels, who is best known for his No. 1 country hit “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.” “I don’t know the chronology. I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but I know it’s closer than it was. I believe that the things left to be fulfilled in the Bible could be fulfilled in a very short amount of time.”
It’s a time, Billy Graham wrote in “The Reason for My Hope: Salvation,” to take the news of the day in one hand and the Bible in the other and watch the unfolding of the great drama of the ages come together.
“This is an exciting and thrilling time to be alive,” wrote Graham, a man who has preached to more people – 2.2 billion – than any Protestant in history and who has appeared on Gallup’s list of the most admired men in the world 56 times since 1955, more than any other individual in the world.
“I would not want to live in any other period,” he said.
“The Apocalypse (the unveiling of the end times) speaks powerfully of trouble ahead with storm warnings that carrying a booming jolt of truth. The warning is clear: prepare to meet thy God – followed by the voice of the gentle Shepherd – ‘Come.’”
A new world is coming, Graham wrote. The paradise that humanity lost in the Garden of Eden will be regained. Christ is coming to conquer evil and establish his perfect rule over all creation
“But until then God wants to give everyone an opportunity to know Christ through repentance and faith,” Graham wrote. “Regardless of what society says, we can’t go on much longer in the sea of immorality without judgment coming. We are at a crossroads, and there are profound moral issues at stake. It is time to return to biblical truth.”
An award-winning journalist at the Los Angeles Daily News, The Press-Enterprise and other newspapers for two decades, Troy Anderson writes for Reuters, WND, Charisma and many other media outlets. He’s also the president and editor-in-chief of the World Prophecy Network – An Online Newsmagazine and Community Spreading the Hope of Jesus in the End Times. He lives in Irvine, Calif.

Be Ready at Any Hour Mark 13:32-34


32"But of that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone. 33"Take heed, keep on the alert; for you do not know when the appointed time will come. 34"It is like a man away on a journey, who upon leaving his house and putting his slaves in charge, assigning to each one his task, also commanded the doorkeeper to stay on the alert.

Luke 12:40
You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."
Luke 21:36
Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man."

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Pay the Piper

Today I paid the piper for going out in the cold, rainy weather yesterday. The pain is intense. My joints are swollen. I am having a hard time standing. I've been in bed almost the whole day cuddled under an electric blanket. Pain patch on, medications taken, no relief. Sometimes I wish that I could unzip my body and crawl out! Even my hair hurts!

So do I give up opportunities to get out? Change of scenery for a few hours? No. I'd been sick last week, stuck inside, unable to function. As long as I plan ahead at least a day before and rest, I can go out. Unlike most people, lupus sufferers have to take each day as it comes. We have to plan ahead. Rest before events even though it may mean a day or two ahead of the event.

But I always "Pay the piper" as the saying goes. In bed for several days after doing anything. And even though I love cold weather, it doesn't like me. The pain is unbearable at times.

But I won't give up. Do what I can when I can and keep hoping.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Woo Hoo! Gonna Be A Cold Winter

I was told today that it might snow mid week. Woo hoo! And in October! LOVE these cold temperatures.

Today it was quite rainy. A friend and I went to the Homeless' Council Arts and Crafts in Lexington. Rain was coming down and yes it was cold. But I think about the people who were there - they live in the weather no matter what the temp, rain or shine. So many of us are just one pay check away from homelessness. So many of us suffering. But we have to be thankful for the most precious of needs met every day. I am so thankful for a roof over my head, food on my table, and a warm bed to sleep in (no matter how bad the mattress is!).  Don't let life get so busy for you that you fail to thank God for these blessings.

Sat in a neighbor's glider rocker this evening. LOVE love love these rockers! Give such wonderful back support. Wish I had enough money to buy one for myself, but I have to guard every dime, especially since my medications are so expensive. Last night when I lay down to sleep, my back was in excruciating pain. I couldn't find a position to rest. I couldn't get up. It was an hour before I could stop crying from the pain. Pain patches on my back, but still in such pain.

One day I'll be able to get a glider rocker, after the need of a new washing machine, a replaced mattress, etc. When someone asks me what I want, I cannot answer because it has been so long since I've been able to get someone I want. Too many needs ahead of the list.

So it is bedtime and I dread crawling into that beat up mattress, facing the pain ahead, but I am thankful to have a mattress to lie down on.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Cooler Temps!

Cooler temps still prevail today. Still wreaking havoc on my joints and spine. Has been hard to function, but I did make it to the porch today. Sat outside reading until the cold air was a bit too much.

Tom cat still hanging around, but being way to vocal these days. He is a typical tom. Spends his evenings yelling at any cat who approaches the front steps. Once I break up the fight, I can put myself in bed at night.

Just been one of those days: Rascal threw up on the bed, had to change sheets and blanket even though I just put clean sheets on one day ago, dropping breakable items again and watching them shatter (arthritis is bad on cold weather), had to push myself and roll up the water hose to put away for winter (now on a heating pad for my back), and wanting so badly to go outside for a walk, but afraid I won't be able to walk back home!

A friend sent me a big box of yarn today. Someone had given it to her, but she wasn't interested. It was so nice to get a package in the mail! Lots of skeins!

There's nothing exciting about being alone. Days run together, especially when you're in so much pain, you never see another person (so I'm thankful for the kitty visits), and it is a struggle to accomplish much of anything. If I lived a bit closer to town, I could walk to the grocery store, walk around the college, just go outside and get the things I need. As it is, I'm just a bit too far from downtown to make it. Sometimes I wish I had one of the houses behind the grocery store. One block from the college and downtown, a short walk to the store, an option that would open more.

But it is hard when every dime to have pays for rent, utilities, gas, tons of medications, and some food. Last night I dreamed someone had bought a house for me in Wilmore. It was in the ideal location, had wood floors (instead of concrete - how that has damaged my back), and well insulated.  Oh for the hopes in dreams!

Time to pull out the electric blanket and put it on the bed. Hoping it still works! That blanket saved me from freezing last year. Looks as though we will have an early winter and a much colder one. I don't remember October being this cold last year.

When I was cooking today, I wished I had a kitchenaid stand mixer! Someone I know has one of these and it helps her to turn it on and sit down. Standing on my feet in the kitchen seems to make my back worse. I've dreamed of getting a kitchenaid, but they are much too expensive!

Cooler temps - love them! Wish the pain would go away!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

PAINFUL RAINY DAY!

I woke up to a painful rainy day. When it rains, my entire body screams in pain. My joints are so swollen I can barely move. Even my wrists are swollen today. So I'm typing with two fingers.

But with this rain has come Fall temperatures. We're in the mid 60's today with 40's at night. Colder temps also play havoc on lupus sufferers.

My rheumatologist's office called this morning trying to make an appointment in December. His office manager said, "The doctor was looking at your blood test results from AUGUST today and wanted to let  you know the results. Also wants to see you in December. Tried hard to force me into an appointment, but I said no When you see a doctor who is a "record keeper and pill pusher," doesn't attempt to examine further problems with a disease like this when you walk in his door in very bad condition, and simply doesn't care, it is time to move on. I feel like I've been neglected for a year and can see how lupus has done more damage over that year.

When you've suffered from a "runaway train" of a disease for eighteen years, it is imperative that you find a doctor who will examine you thoroughly and keep up with what's going on, not just check blood tests. Those tests only show what's going on that day.

It upset me that they would use the "blood test results" from two months ago as an excuse to contact me. In fact, I've never seen nor heard from any of my test results except this one. 

It is also bad enough for Obamacare to cause delays in getting appointments from good doctors while those who wear the title of doctor only do so to collect money from a visit  while going through the motions.

It is very hard to be kind and truthful sometimes. Today I did not say anything about how horribly I've been treated. Instead I told her not today.

Receiving a call like this, being awakened early to someone who is pushing you when you cannot think, and after thinking about the call realizing how selfish it was just sits with me all day. I'm one who cannot let go easily.

I am amazed at what extent some doctors will go to keep a patient for income and simply that alone. But guilting someone into making an appointment is not the way to go. Simply be a better doctor.

When I am in so much pain like today, everything seems to be magnified. So I will do what I've learned to do when a flare hits. I'm taking my meds and crawling into bed.

Still looking forward to the colder air even though it hurts!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Yikes! What A Day!

I had hoped to be able to accomplish one task today: wash clothes. Since my washing machine gave up months ago, I've been hand washing clothes. Since my back has gone out, I just couldn't bear to hand wash today.

So I said a prayer over that washing machine and hoped it would somehow wash just a little. Instead it flooded my kitchen. I spent the entire morning bailing out water.

There is a bright spot in all of this: I have a super clean kitchen floor!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

FALL'S HERE

Fall has appeared in Wilmore, KY with its cooler nights and days. SO very thankful! Had looked forward to the cooler days so that I could go out and take walks in the evenings once the sun had set (no sun for the lupus sufferer). Instead I've injured my back and have been hooked up to a TENS unit this week along with the Flector patch for pain. I have permanent back problems anyway and to have more added to the problem has not been fun. With aches and pains, you can go on. Living with bad pain as I do, I tend to keep going. But when it deals with your back, forget it!

Doctors say there is nothing they can do. No surgery. Just suffer. So now I'm walking a few steps inside and wishing for better days when I can go outside and enjoy the beauty around Wilmore when the leaves change color. Hope never gives up.

Stress is still a high part of my day with the government shut down and not knowing if Nov. 3rd will produce an income, but I ask God for peace and know He is in charge. I know He will protect and provide for me as He has always done in the past. People come and go, but He has always remained the same.

I can tell the air is colder at night. Rascal has returned to sleep at my feet. Won't be long before I put the heated mattress pad on the bed (hoping that will improve my horrible mattress!) along with the electric blanket. He will be a happy cat! Until then, he is staying closer to me, sleeping on the sofa as I write on this blog, in my lap when he needs love, and telling me when it is time to call it a day. He's fourteen years old now and has been the King of his world for all of those years.

A few weeks back, I was so excited to hear C.S. Lewis' stepson speak at Asbury University (my Alma mater). Since then I've started rereading several of his books. Even though I took a C.S. Lewis class during college, it amazes me how much more I understand the wisdom in his writings at this point in my life. So thankful I could sit in and listen to his stepson share stories about him.

The dreaded holidays are coming. This time every year I start getting knots in my stomach because everyone I come in contact with is talking about what they are doing for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My holidays are always the same: alone with Rascal. For those who have family, I want to say be thankful. Being alone in the world is hard enough when you're healthy. Try it when you're sick and disabled. It seems to magnify tenfold when the holidays are approaching. I think it is because they are a family focused event. When you have NO family at all, your aloneness is magnified.

I don't have a problem being alone. In fact, I don't search for activities or places to go because I cannot stand being alone. As the years have passed in my life, I've learned to live and accept myself as company. I have also learned if you cannot be happy alone, you'll never be happy with another person. This wisdom has proved to be true.

But when Thanksgiving and Christmas come along, I have an ache in my heart, one that magnifies the loss of not having any family at all. That ache is consuming and painful. And the ache is coming.

Every year I hope it will be different. Somehow I will be a part of a family once again. But it never comes to pass. And I am once again
faced with accepting the holidays alone.

But I never give up hope. There's always next year!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Still In Shut Down Mode

The Government may not have shut down Social Security this time, but if they don't get their act together by mid October, Social security, Veterans, and everyone else will not be paid come Nov. 1st. This country will default on their bills. Sad thing is to Congress and the President this is just a game of politics. No thought to how it affects real people, the lives of those who have been put on furlow with no pay, those still in fear of what is yet to come.

Children are running America. Their way or the highway. It has become a kindergarden playground with the biggest child standing in the oval office refusing to bend one way or the other. He simply wants the paycheck instead of giving up his muli-million dollar multiple vacations, high spending trips throughout the year plus so many other areas that could be cut instead of cutting the lives of those who desperately need the help.

Childish? Yes. I have yet to see where he is taking any responsibility for anything he has done or said wrong. Any it makes me sick to listen to him because I wonder how much of what he says will be true.

I've heard so many people say the majority voted him back in office. It wasn't a landslide majority. It wasn't a huge majority either. There are many Americans unhappy with his lack of leadership and now this nightmare of Obamacare that is hitting the job market hard. It will also soon make it harder for us to get doctor's appointments with the flood of new patients (spoken from a doctor). That scares me even more.

Many people refuse to listen to anything negative spoken about the President or congress. The same are quick to pass judgement on anyone with a different opinion than them and will mow them down in a hurry. Unless their lives fall into the direction of HIS bull dozier, they will simply not listen. I've been in his fallout since he's been in office and it has caused me must stress and duress. I have suffered physically and emotionally from it. My day to day life has been much more difficult with his changes. Unless anyone who reads this can relate to living with this, they simply cannot say anything that will change my experience.

Soliders' families are still struggling. Veterans as well. Social Security beneficiaries (so very hard to live on next to nothing!) are struggling as well. And we all sit in limbo waiting to see what happens next.

Through the last lies Obama stated in his broadcasts, "Social Security checks may not go out. Veterans checks may not go out if the government shuts down," and may I add he is the ONLY one who made those statements simply to add more fear to those who simply did not need them, I can honestly say I'm sick and tired of listening to the lies. To me it is nothing more than bullying the weakest members of society. How sad you are!

I realized through this last stress filled period that I was not putting my faith where it belonged - in God. He has ALWAYS taken care of me. Always. Being the flawed, weak human I am, I forgot about all the times His help has come when I needed it the most. He did not fail this time either. His blessings are huge - His love great. I am not worthy of His mercy, but I am so very thankful for Him. My eyes lost sight of where they should be during all of this and the stress was unbearable. I'm thankful He finds us no matter where we fall, picks us up and restores the peace we need.