Wednesday, October 9, 2013

FALL'S HERE

Fall has appeared in Wilmore, KY with its cooler nights and days. SO very thankful! Had looked forward to the cooler days so that I could go out and take walks in the evenings once the sun had set (no sun for the lupus sufferer). Instead I've injured my back and have been hooked up to a TENS unit this week along with the Flector patch for pain. I have permanent back problems anyway and to have more added to the problem has not been fun. With aches and pains, you can go on. Living with bad pain as I do, I tend to keep going. But when it deals with your back, forget it!

Doctors say there is nothing they can do. No surgery. Just suffer. So now I'm walking a few steps inside and wishing for better days when I can go outside and enjoy the beauty around Wilmore when the leaves change color. Hope never gives up.

Stress is still a high part of my day with the government shut down and not knowing if Nov. 3rd will produce an income, but I ask God for peace and know He is in charge. I know He will protect and provide for me as He has always done in the past. People come and go, but He has always remained the same.

I can tell the air is colder at night. Rascal has returned to sleep at my feet. Won't be long before I put the heated mattress pad on the bed (hoping that will improve my horrible mattress!) along with the electric blanket. He will be a happy cat! Until then, he is staying closer to me, sleeping on the sofa as I write on this blog, in my lap when he needs love, and telling me when it is time to call it a day. He's fourteen years old now and has been the King of his world for all of those years.

A few weeks back, I was so excited to hear C.S. Lewis' stepson speak at Asbury University (my Alma mater). Since then I've started rereading several of his books. Even though I took a C.S. Lewis class during college, it amazes me how much more I understand the wisdom in his writings at this point in my life. So thankful I could sit in and listen to his stepson share stories about him.

The dreaded holidays are coming. This time every year I start getting knots in my stomach because everyone I come in contact with is talking about what they are doing for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My holidays are always the same: alone with Rascal. For those who have family, I want to say be thankful. Being alone in the world is hard enough when you're healthy. Try it when you're sick and disabled. It seems to magnify tenfold when the holidays are approaching. I think it is because they are a family focused event. When you have NO family at all, your aloneness is magnified.

I don't have a problem being alone. In fact, I don't search for activities or places to go because I cannot stand being alone. As the years have passed in my life, I've learned to live and accept myself as company. I have also learned if you cannot be happy alone, you'll never be happy with another person. This wisdom has proved to be true.

But when Thanksgiving and Christmas come along, I have an ache in my heart, one that magnifies the loss of not having any family at all. That ache is consuming and painful. And the ache is coming.

Every year I hope it will be different. Somehow I will be a part of a family once again. But it never comes to pass. And I am once again
faced with accepting the holidays alone.

But I never give up hope. There's always next year!

2 comments:

  1. Hey I have a quick question about your blog, could you email me when you have a chance? Thanks! -Cam

    ReplyDelete