Sunday, December 15, 2013

A Lonely Weekend

It has been a lonely weekend. Spent most of it resting because the rain came in and caused a flare. For some reason the rain hurts me physically, but not the snow. Wish it would just snow instead of rain.

Spent a lot of time talking to God asking Him how on earth I would ever recover after open heart surgery when I have to do it alone. If I had someone in my life, a family member (all of whom have passed away), facing surgery would be so much easier. As it is, I worry about how on earth I will be able to function afterwards.

I'm still waiting to hear news about the last test. Turns out it was nothing more than another cat scan with more dye.  See http://www.scandirectory.com/content/eb_ct_angiography.asp

Will find out results when I see the surgeon on Tuesday. Just want to get it all over with.

December is hard for me. Even though Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth, the world has turned it into a celebration of family. It is for this reason I do not go to church in December. The void of family is magnified ten fold. The heartache is worse.

Having no money to buy Christmas goodies, presents, etc., my small Charlie Brown tree is empty underneath. Nothing to open on Christmas day. That's okay. I don't need things. What I truly need cannot be wrapped in paper. While families gather together to celebrate, I sit alone in my freezing cold apartment.

And worry! I worry about how much out of pocket it is gonna cost me for all of these tests. I was prepared for two doctor's visits this month and a scan, but that has increased to three doctor's visits and three tests. Sad when you have to juggle money for food, living expenses and medications. Tag on medical bills! Overwhelming!

Holding my breath until December is over.

So let's just assume I go through with the open heart surgery. Lupus magnifies my chances of not waking up. If I do wake up, I face having to deal with recovery alone. How do I care for myself, wash clothes, cook, clean? How do I take care of Rascal, Buddy and Tom?

And let's just assume I don't wake up from the surgery. By far I will be in a much better place - Heaven. But if that is the case, this will be my last Christmas. Still alone. Still lonely, but relying on faith.

Those are the thoughts I've been struggling with this weekend. Tomorrow I will make myself go outside this door and walk. May not get far, but the walls are closing in. I can't bear them anymore.

Here's to hope for a better week.

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