Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Another Cold Winter's Night

It will be 4 degrees tonight. Thankful we're not in the minus stage. Thankful it will warm up a bit for the rest of the week. It is so cold in my apartment when the heat isn't running, but it costs money I don't have to run the heat. So layers, heated blanket and a cat have to do the heating work.

I was remembering the day of my mother's funeral, January 21, 1985. She died two days before my 24th birthday and was buried the day after. It was a horrible time in life. It was also terribly cold. We didn't know if we could have the funeral that day because the ground was frozen and they didn't know if they could dig a grave. All in all, we did and they could. I looked up the weather in SE Alabama for that day. It was 4 degrees. In the old cemetery where she, my dad and brother are laid to rest on the top of a hill, it is even colder! I cannot begin to imagine how truly cold it was that day. I was numb and cannot remember much. It is recorded as one of the coldest days.

Today I woke up annoyed and ended the day stressed out. By 5:00 pm, I had received ten scammer calls, all fake numbers, all "name unknown or Unlisted number." They started at 6:30 and called every half hour. I gave up trying to rest even though I am so exhausted.

With lupus, the exhaustion is one of the worst symptoms of a flare. You feel like a wet rag wrung out and hanging on a line. A nap or even a full eight hours of sleep just doesn't renew your strength. You just feel wrung out. You can't function. You feel horrible. This has been the past couple of days in my life. But today has been the worst one. Stress is a contributing factor. All I want to do is sleep, but I'm too exhausted to sleep. All I want to do is be pain free, but I hurt from my hair to my toe nails.

My thinking has slowed to a crawl. I want to write, but I cannot concentrate well enough to produce enough creativity to produce thought.

I refilled an antibiotic last week because of an infection. Still can't find the bottle. Can't remember where I put it. But I know where the card is Kevin Spacey sent me last month. I can see it from where I sit. It is a reminder of his kindness.

Had to look at the calendar today to see what day of the week it was, terrible! I'm just tired. Wrung out and hung on a line tired. How I hate you lupus, but I'm stuck with you. You're like a bad neighbor who won't move, a family member who keeps returning like a boomerang, a headache that just won't go away. I may have to deal with you on a day to day basis, but I won't let you define me.

There is hope for tomorrow.



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