Tuesday, February 4, 2014

The Power of Words

I would rather be alone in silence than with someone who holds me under a microscope, snaps at me for no reason, constantly uses words to tear down my self esteem. Do I have a magnet or something? Why is it that I seem to find people who want to step on me and push me down so far that I cannot see up? Why is it I'm always judged for every move I make even when I don't do anything to be judged for?

I always said if someone were concerned about my behavior, they were leading a terribly boring life. After all, mine is a boring, day to day, get through it, do what I can kind of life. I believe in giving kindness and love to every person who comes down my path. If someone is hungry, I'll give them my food. If they need clothing, I'll give them my clothes. If an animal shows up on my doorstep, I'll feed them.

Lately I find myself defending every decision I make even though those decisions are minor ones. I am a quiet person. Blend in with groups. One on one person. Doesn't make me any better or lesser a person than anyone else. So why is it that I seem to attract people who are the extreme opposite who want to, for lack of a better word, bully me? I've been so stressed out that my hair is falling out. I'm stressed out so badly that I cannot sleep. I question every action I take, every thought I have, I get angry when I shouldn't.

Being a writer, words affect me greatly. I soak them in. I take a person at their word. So when someone says they will do something, I believe them because when I give my word, I do it. If I can't, I tell them and then apologize. My sensitivity to words started with a mother whose words nearly destroyed me growing up. Those are the words I cannot seem to put behind me, but I'm trying. If only we could see ourselves the way others see us.

Except for some people. If I saw myself as this person saw me, I would see a person who was sick because I caused it myself, would be cured immediately if I had more faith and ate better, could stop taking my medications, reclaim the life I had almost twenty years ago when I was first diagnosed with systemic lupus. I would not be a burden to others, an inconvenience, or alone. Really? It amazes me how some people know more than the person who has suffered through years of health loss, near death, multiple illnesses, acceptance of a lifestyle they did not choose, going through bankruptcy from medications that cost $500 just for one (then add 19 more), and have to do this all alone.

I choose to be thankful I lived passed the ten year mark!

Why can't every one understand each person is different and so are our struggles and experiences? Why can't people accept us for who we are?

I cannot change my health issues. I deal with them every day. I only talk about them here and with my doctors. This page is my release. I don't need someone hurting me, telling me I need to change my nature, that I'm not good enough just the way I am.

I am content to sit in a room alone, write, read a book. I love quiet. I am content with myself. I don't need a group of people patting me on the back because of something I did. If someone shows a kindness in that manner, I am grateful, but I don't need it to live. It amazes me some people do things for others just to get the praise. Actually it makes me sick to know that is the motive. My question to myself is this: why can't others see it when some one's motives are selfish?

Life is hard enough. We don't know what the other struggles with through each day. Kindness is a simple gift. Smiles are free. Love is a need. We all need someone to care and to listen. Why can't we just be quiet, listen and love the person we come in contact with instead of sucking the life out of a room or tearing down a person with words? I wish there was an answer.

No comments:

Post a Comment