Friday, April 4, 2014

April Showers

As the saying goes, "April showers bring May flowers." However, April showers bring much pain to someone who suffers from systemic lupus plus arthritis plus fibromyalgia, plus so many other illnesses. We had quite a bit of rain come through the past couple of days and now the temps are going to dip once again. I feel every rise in barometric pressure. I feel every ounce of pain surging through my body.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm still doing here. It is so hard to deal with all of this on my own. No one to run to for help. No one to call when I'm in dire straits. I'm stuck dealing with everything on my own. As I sit here in the dark (too expensive to turn on the lights) I wonder why I bothered to move. While there are good things that came with my move to KY, i.e. quiet, no street boom boom car noise, no obnoxious people, etc., there is also more of the same. Once my "new girl in town" label wore off, I was back to being alone, wondering what day it was, struggling to make it through a day. Since this is a college town, it makes sense that it is a transient town. People come and go. But I will never understand how people can ignore someone who is so sick, alone in the world, and struggling.

Someone once said "I'm not like you. I need to be around people." Did she think I chose this? Nothing about my life today is something I chose. It comes with the territory of being sick and labeled. I need people, too, but didn't have a choice. I had to adjust to life alone. If it were the flu, people would be more caring because the flu only runs a short course. But when you have chronic illnesses, the kind that rob you of life, they don't want to stick around for the long haul.

So do I move or stay? People are the same no matter where you go. Would I be stuck in another town with the same uncaring souls? Is there a place on this earth where people love their neighbors, make a difference when they know there is a need, and stick with you through the long haul? I'm not sure there is a place.

Another stray kitty showed up on my doorstep last week. Poor little thing was missing some hair across his back. Still, he was so friendly and loving that I knew he had to belong to someone. This cat ate for a solid hour. He was starving. Who could do this to a poor little creature? In between bites, he chattered and chattered. I could almost hear him say, "yum, yum, yum....thank you." I relate so much to this little kitty. I know how it feels to be thrown away.

I felt a kindred spirit with this cat. How many people can walk around something so hungry, so lost and alone? Buddy picks on him. I could relate. I've reached the point I don't say much of anything anymore because everything I do say is judged. I wonder sometime if I don't talk much anymore because I'm not use to having anyone to talk to in this world. I keep the tv going just to hear another human voice.

What three things are important to you in a friend? This was a post on someone's facebook page. If I could answer, I would have said the following: accepting me as I am, Christian, doing what you say you would do. Odd? Maybe, but this is important to me. So many people I've come in contact with say and promise so many things, but never follow through. What happened to giving you their word and doing it? If I cannot do something, I'll tell that person and why.

I'm worn out trying to get quality health care. This week I had to call my rheumatologist's office to ask them to call in prescriptions. The pharmacy sent them a request two weeks ago and never got a response. I had to ask for the paperwork in finding funding for the lupus medication/treatment. It was suppose to have been sent to me in January. When I heard back from her nurse, she said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know." So who do you confront about this: the nurse who can't do what she's not told to do or the doctor who fails to follow through on everything? I'm still waiting for the x-ray of my right wrist. She mentioned that in December. I swore I would not chase after another doctor to make them follow through after having to do this in Dothan. Here I am again.

April showers are bringing flowers. I've had three daffodils bloom so far and still waiting to see tulips. I've seen the green leaves but no flowers. Instead of beauty, April is bringing showers of tears for me. The pain is horrible.

I hear the birds singing outside my window. They are winding down for the night. Perhaps I should do the same.


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