Monday, April 28, 2014

Doctor Visit Wednesday

I'm heading out to a new doctor on Wednesday. Since the swollen lymph node is undetermined and my thyroid is much smaller than expected, they're sending me to an ENT.

At first I thought this was an odd choice for the circumstance. Did some research and found out ENT doctors do thyroid surgery. As long as he can biopsy the lymph node we're fine.

I started thinking about how life can turn on a dime. You never know what a day will hold. Life is fragile and fleeting. No one plans to get up one day and find themselves in the ER, waiting to see if they have cancer, or even dying. It all happens so quickly.

We spend our lives planning for the future. Work toward it. Yet all we work for and plan for can change with bad health. Mine did. I stopped dreaming of the future, praying for better things, hoping for good things to come my way. I've been beaten up by systemic lupus, fibromyalgia, plus a long list of other health problems. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just give up altogether because my life consists of just making ends meet, finding funds to pay for medication, pay for gas to doctors, tests, etc., basic needs, and day to day life. I have forgotten what it is like to wear new clothes, sleep on a mattress that is new and firm, and be able to sleep at night without worrying. I can't afford to buy a new mattress and box spring let alone a frivolous item for my apartment or myself.

All I hear in my head is "I can't afford to do it." Even though I don't need "stuff," it would be nice not to have to worry about it.

I ran across a website yesterday and found myself wishing my place was a pretty as this one. I've been to Shorter Mansion in Eufaula, AL before. Not that far from Dothan or Abbeville, where I was raised.

Just getting lost in the beautiful decor, table settings, beautiful tablecloths, placemats, etc., I almost forgot the sound in my head "I can't afford it." If there isn't a need, I can't do it. But it was fun to dream. Just amazes me how dreams fade away in the fog.

It was a cold, hard winter in Wilmore this past year. My apartment was freezing cold. I paid for the expensive cost of heat even though I was still freezing. Block walls just don't do it! I questioned whether I could survive another winter in this place. But yet again reality hit me in the face. I can't afford to move. I can't afford the deposits that come with moving or paying someone to move my belongings. It is just a fact. I'm stuck in one place. If I freeze in the winter, hopefully someone will find me before I thaw out. The good part about block walls is it stays cooler in the Spring and Summer. You don't have to turn on the AC until late May. Open the windows and turn on the fan. In Alabama I had to turn on the AC in March.

I guess I'm worried about what is ahead: the cost of this new lupus medication, what my test results hold, what new medical road I'm having to travel. Sometimes it would be so nice to be able to dream and not find myself disappointed for doing so.  But that's something I'll have to accept and work through.


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