Thursday, May 8, 2014

Today I Want to Scream!!

Today I just want to scream!! Not sleeping through the night. Stressed during the day. My heart is beating out of my chest. I'm shaking all over. Is it because I'm coming off a medication I've been taking for 15 years? Is it because I'm also adjusting to a new medication? Probably.

I'm also frustrated. It is May and now is the time to find a new place to live if I intend to do so. I know I can't endure another winter in this apartment. My body cannot take another freezing cold winter in this place. I need an insulated apartment in closer walking distance to the downtown area of Wilmore. I've reached the point I can no longer walk from my place to the grocery store anymore. In the winter, my joints are too swollen to function. In the late Spring and Summer, the heat and extreme sunlight causes flares just as much as the cold.

Now is the time. Kids are leaving college and seminary to go home for the summer. For rent signs are going up. But with the new lease comes deposits and first month's rent requirements that I don't have. It takes every penny to live and with the small amount I live on, I still have to decide between food, utilities, or medications. I've cut meds in to two pills so many times over the past few months. I'm sure that hasn't helped the multitude of flares I've endured.

So it is now or next Spring. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still on this earth. Then again the kitties in this neighborhood would starve if I didn't get up in the morning. Seems the neighbor in the building two doors down keeps bringing cats over and "losing" them. I watched her son drop his cat last Sunday and not being able to catch it, just turned and walked away. I saw the cat yesterday at the end of my porch. She was waiting to be fed. Of course the grandmother who lives in the building of the child who lost the cat doesn't feed it. I can't bear to see an animal starving so I do. Explains where all of these cats keep coming from, especially the starving little cat that showed up several months ago. He ate for a solid hour. Now I can't shake him loose from my foot when I open the door. Wish he'd chase the birds off from the bowl outside. They keep eating the cat food! Tuesday morning he was eating out of one side of the bowl while one of the birds was eating out of the other side. Unbelievable!

Poor Rascal! He's had to endure my flared temper from the jitters and nerves. I just want to go back to my calm demeanor. He want me to go back, too. Since it has warmed up, I had the living room window opened. The family I share a wall with has two children: one four and one who is two. As I was dozing in the chair, the four year old ran by my window screaming to the top of his lungs. I think I'm still shaking from that one. He's been in a screaming habit for the past few months and the parents don't get that it isn't okay to do this in front of someone else's doors and windows. I'm sure they are use to it, but I'm not.

I can't believe it is May 8 and I'm counting pennies already. MORE stress! All of my medications came due for refills the first of the month. Selling things of ebay has been horrible. I list and relist things, get hits but no sales. So tired of worrying, but what am I going to do until the end of the month?!

Tuesday's experience at the hospital was something else. Went in, signed papers, went back, signed more papers, then went to the waiting area for the cat scan. One hour later, the lady from the cat scan area came out and asked why I had not filled out the "other" papers. I told her no one said anything else about "other" papers. If the woman behind the desk at that station had stayed at the station instead of walking around, I may have known this information. So I filled out three more sheeting of paper. One hour wasted.

She took me back, put in the IV, shot the dye in my system and did the scan. I then had to wait twenty minutes for a cd to take directly to the doctor. The lady at the desk went for another stroll for twenty minutes. I waited at the counter as a reminder I was "waiting" and had a doctor's appointment and had already lost an hour of time. I was there when the cd came through five minutes after my scan. So fifteen more minutes wasted while she strolled. It would not have been so bad but I had not eaten or had anything to drink since 10:00 pm the night before.

Finally out the door! Not impressed with the hospital. Thankfully I had a friend with me who was calm and kind. She diffused the situation.

I didn't wait long for "Conan O'Brien" the doctor (he really looks like Conan) to call me back, but did have to wait for him to finish with another patient. He has a habit of giving a compliment when he sees you. "I like that bright blue you're wearing." That was Tuesday's compliment. Last week it was "You have beautiful eyes."
Things like that don't impress me especially when I have an enlarged lymph node.

He pulled up the scan, felt my neck again, and said he believed it to be benign. Said for me to come back in three months and if it has grown we will repeat the scan and take a look. Problem is this: there were TWO nodes enlarged Tuesday, one beside the other. His idea is whatever is happening is coming from my spit glands. I've had a broken tooth for thirty years. Hasn't bothered me in thirty years. He said the root could be inflamed and I wouldn't know it. Said I should have it removed. Yeah, right. I don't have the money to live month to month, pay for food AND medicine, but I'll find the money to pay for a removal of a tooth that hasn't bothered me in thirty years. I informed him that my only sibling died of cancer. Nothing showed up in blood tests. They found it when they opened him to remove a kidney stone. It had already spread. Close relative died of cancer. Should be a concern, right?

He may be educated, but he is educated in ears, nose and throat problems. I just think this isn't his thing. I still don't understand why I was sent to an ENT doctor for this. I truly feel like this was a huge waste of time. They are still swollen, both of them. I'll just keep an eye on them and mention the situation to my rheumatologist next month when I see her. I've been sent to doctors for nineteen years. I've seen and experienced them all. After awhile, you tend to pick up on whether or not they know or don't know. It would be so much easier if they would just say "I don't know" and send you to someone who does instead of letting their ego get in the way.

I'm still screaming inside! Sometimes it isn't a good thing to have experienced so many doctors, so many medical tests, so many hospitals from being so sick. Sometimes it isn't a good thing to have experienced people who talk instead of do, whose actions do not speak louder than words. It makes me want to be sure my actions match my words. When I walk outside the door to feed the kitties in the late afternoon, I still think of Glen, the man who walked all over Wilmore. He suffered from Lou Gehrig's disease. He never let it stop him. Even though people passed judgement on his appearance, his inability to speak clearly, inability to take care of himself anymore, he kept going. I admired him for never giving up. Glen died last November, but I still think of how his life affected me - the woman who spends so much time alone, unable to walk short distances, living in a town that prides itself on Christian love. And I remember what Jesus says, "Whatever you have done unto the least of these, you have done unto me." Matthew 25:40


No comments:

Post a Comment