Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Heart Wrenching Dreams

Last night was hard. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. after a heart wrenching dream. I dreamed I went home last night, the home where I grew up. I rode the bus home like I did many other times from school. When I arrived, I realized my old home was now an enclosed complex, many homes within one building.

Just as I was about to open the door, I woke up. Almost home. Almost.

It was wonderful and good all in one. But when I woke up, I cried for an hour. There is nothing worse than not being able to go home, to not have any family left in this world, to miss them so much nothing will replace them and yet can do nothing about it.

I realized every place I've lived since losing them has not felt like a home It was merely a roof over my head. Home comes from the heart and mine has been so broken for so long that I never found another home.

I also realized there was no going home. There is no home anymore. No family. Nothing. How I miss going home! It wasn't fancy by any means, but it was home.

Most of the time I deal with life okay. Just one day at a time. When dreams invade my lonely life, I don't do well. Stress increases while I paint a smile on my face and go on.

With the increased heat and humidity, my body has swollen immensely. My doctor told me bodies that have a chronic illness will swell in the summer months. Sometimes it feels like someone took a bicycle pump and just pumped more air in my body. If I could float away, I would!

Since the heat and humidity has arrived, indoors I go once more only going out when absolutely necessary. It feels like an Alabama summer outside my door at 8:45 p.m. Wonder if it is too hot for the lightening bugs tonight?

On days like this, I am thankful to find rest and hope in a better tomorrow.

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