Sunday, July 6, 2014

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just needed to scream. It has been a harrowing weekend. Friends from my college years gathered for a reunion. Unfortunately for me, I participated in the city-wide yard sale. Needed the money more than playing. Didn't get to go to dinner Friday night because I was so very tired and felt so bad. I knew they would gather for a long time afterwards and I had to be up and going at 6:00 a.m.
Not a good combination when you stay out late so I didn't.

Still woke up at 2:00 a.m. and never went back to sleep. But at 6:00 a.m., I was up and dragging boxes out of the apartment onto the yard, setting up tables, and praying God would give me strength to get through it.

So thankful for Chris who came out to help me set up for the sale and kept me company. I don't think I would have survived otherwise.

We had lots of traffic, but very little sales. Five hours of yard sale and only $100 made. I am so very thankful for that $100, but have made so much more in the past. Had hoped for more after so much work on this one. Ended up taking several boxes to the local Community Center store so that they could help others.

After lunch, Chris dropped me off and I was heading to bed when the phone rang. It was my friend, Debbie, who asked if I wanted to go to High Bridge with everyone or if they should just come by. I was so weak at that point that I chose the latter.

Everyone piled into my small living room, sat around and talked. I just listened mostly. When all was said and done, they piled into their cars and headed to High Bridge. Afterwards they went to dinner (I wasn't invited to that one). They were also having lunch Sunday. I wasn't invited to that one either. They did the obligatory drop in and left me.

So I wasn't surprised. After thirty years, I had only seen a couple of people before then. I was hurt though. Listening to "memories" being shared yesterday, I remembered how these people made my life so much better thirty years ago, how I gained some self esteem after leaving my horrific home life in Alabama to come to Wilmore to go to Asbury. Now their lives revolve around spouses, their jobs, their own families.

I just wanted to scream how sick I had been, am still so sick and just wish someone cared about me! Anyone! But I realized when they left to go home today, nothing had changed. I wouldn't hear from any of them unless they passed through Wilmore again. It wasn't that nothing had changed. It was that Everything had changed.

My friend, Amy, who was unable to come pushed me to attend the gathering this weekend. She, too, had forgotten how sick I am, how very little strength I have, and that minimum amount of strength would be needed to finish the task of this yard sale.

I just can't help but wonder why people don't stop and think about the person who is alone, suffering, and wished someone cared.

I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. Lack of actions speak even louder. I experienced the latter.

Today after reality hit me so hard, having been exposed to sun yesterday and am now so swollen I can barely move, I am more convinced than ever that as long as I continue to physically go down hill from this horrible disease, my life will become more empty from people. I have lost so many friends over the years just because of this horrible disease, its affects on my body, and being pushed into a lifestyle (disability) that I did not choose.

Over two years ago I had someone coming in to take care of me because I couldn't do it anymore. The director of the program told me she had seen so many family members sign up for that program so that they wouldn't have to deal with their loved ones anymore. She had seen people walk away from sick people. She had confirmed my life.

After their final lunch today, everyone will go home to their own lives. Those who choose to do so will keep in touch with people they care about. Others, like me, will be left alone in a world where people don't have time to care. Sometimes I feel like a world of one.

A local friend, whom I rarely ever run into anymore, told me to stop by the store sometime. He told everyone I stay closed up in my home. If he cared enough to ask, he might find out this horrible illness has made me bedridden more times than not, so very sick I only go out to the doctors and hospital, and that I am having to struggle with this alone.

He would also find out how I lost my mother when I turned 25, how I worked full time and took care of my dad and only brother until they passed away a few short years later (by the time I turned 35), and that they were the last members of my family (with aunts, uncles, grandparents already passed on). He would have learned how hard it was for me to do this on my own, no help from others, and how much of my soul died with them.

He would have learned that I have been alone in the world for a long time now and perhaps wouldn't just flippantly say words that were so untrue.

But like everyone else, he will continue to see me with blinders on. He will see his life, his friends and family and just make snap judgements when I cross his mind (which is rarely).

I have learned so much from being sick. When I meet a person, I try not to jump to conclusions because I do not know what they are struggling with or suffering from in their day to day life. How I wish other people would do the same!

I was unable to sleep last night with the hurt I felt both emotional and physical. My body is in so much pain that I can barely walk. So I have finally decided a sleeping pill will have to cure all ills by luring me into sleep and out of a world of pain.

Today I just want to scream because I hurt so badly!

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