Tuesday, July 15, 2014


Even though I had to push myself, I decided to attend the summer gathering of my Bible study group. They gathered at one of the ladies' homes, shared and prayed. I will never understand why I always feel so alone in a group, but I do. I call this group the "out of site, out of mind" group. Even though it is made up of much older women who have gained wisdom throughout their lives, it makes me wonder why their wisdom hasn't reached to active compassion.

I sat silently just listening to so many say, "The Lord has blessed us so much, our family is...., we traveled to..." As I listened to all of this I couldn't help but wonder why people don't reach beyond their own families. Not one person shared anything past their own. Has society become so consumed with themselves that they don't see the needs around them? 

As I was leaving, I couldn't help but over hear the hostess say the same thing, "God has blessed us so much." I am glad He has. But it made me fall into a questioning session of my own life. 

I have been so sick the past year and dealing with all of this alone. No one visits my home or calls to check on me. Someone said once, "I don't like being alone like you." When did I say I liked being alone? It is a terrible struggle to move day to day, to function, to find peace within myself. 

I can't help but ask God, "What did I do wrong?" 

This afternoon my thoughts dwelled on how badly I feel when I attend a church service, a gathering, etc. I feel more invisible, more alone, and find myself in more tears. This is not what God intended. 

When I feel overwhelmed like I am right now, the stress in my body increases and so does the illness. I tell myself I can cry at home for free. I also tell myself not to get used to people because they don't stay. If someone gives me advice ( I never asked for) in the form of "get out and meet people," I think to myself, "Spend a Christmas alone and tell me how much people care." 

It is so easy to judge a book by its cover. Problem is unless you show kindness and compassion to someone outside your comfort zone, what good have you done?

I've heard many say it is a sin to see a need and ignore it. I believe this whole-heartedly. Worse is to know someone is suffering and ignore them. 

Today I feel so overwhelmed and alone.

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