Sunday, July 13, 2014

Square Peg In A Round Hole

It is hard to function when you're chronically ill. You don't have the strength to do minor things let alone harder activities like work, clean, etc. Because we live in a world where being different isn't exactly a welcome label, chronically ill people tend to spend a lot of time alone.

Through this illness I have learned many things most people won't. I have learned that family members are the only ones who will take care of you when you are sick. If you don't have anyone, you're on your own. I have learned people would rather prejudge you and pretend you don't exist (i.e. you become invisible) instead of taking time to get to know you as a person. You become an "it." I have learned to tell myself it is their loss not getting to know me.

I have learned the hard way that no matter what I have accomplished in my life in the past, it doesn't seem to count toward the present. I worked hard from the time I was fifteen. I focused on my school grades and received scholarships to college. I worked my way through college. I taught junior high and high school. My life mattered to many youth who walked through my door. I took care of my mother, my father and only brother when they were bedridden, sick and dying. I buried my father and brother and dealt with the grief alone. (My brother buried my mother). I worked in two different churches and tried to overcome the horrible treatment I received in both. I have to fight insurance and hospital problems by myself. I have to deal with life by myself.

I am alone in the world - a square peg in a round hole - never fitting in where love should be. Not even a church family has pulled in this wayward soul who has struggled so hard just to make it through the day. I have also learned that no matter how much you try to explain how it is in your life, people still don't get it! I have also learned that life would be so much better if people gave what is free to give - love, support, encouragement, hugs - and don't ignore the one soul who needs these things so desperately.

I have learned to listen, truly listen, without interjecting my own experiences. Sometimes you need someone to listen and not compare.

 I have learned that people come and go, like you one minute and hate you the next, but God is always the same. His love never changes. He meets needs when we ask for help. I ask a great deal for His help - and love.

Even though I have learned these things, it is never easy to open my eyes in the morning and face all the problems the day holds. God never intended for us to be alone, but this is a broken world, one filled with sin. Just because God never intended for us to be alone doesn't mean we won't be alone.

Today I feel overwhelmingly alone. And it hurts.

No comments:

Post a Comment