Friday, November 7, 2014

Dreams and Nightmares

The colder it gets, the more I'm inside. Problem is the inside is colder than the outside! So I curl up in bed with an electric blanket. Rascal curls up with me. Poor dear is frozen, too. Just hope the blanket lasts another winter. 

I don't know if it is the weather, my lupus flares, or the approaching holidays, but I seem to be having dreams about my family members who have all passed on. Last night I spoke to my mother, my daddy (who was preparing his fishing poles for a fishing trip), and my brother who had been kidnapped and I couldn't find him. Please keep in mind these people have died. And then Kevin Spacey somehow appears at the end of the dreams "saving me" from their loss.

But at this time of year, Thanksgiving and Christmas, I miss them so much more. It weighs so heavily on my heart that I find myself heart sick. The heart sickness starts new flares. The circle never seems to end.

 Last Christmas was the worst I had experienced since I lost my family. I was alone. Completely alone. It was devastating. I just prayed and begged God to not let me suffer through another Christmas alone. As the holidays approach, I am alone again. 

So I "toughened up" and made the decision not to hope for anything this year. I'd been doing quite well until the dreams and nightmares started and I realized I didn't have any control over them. I wake up crying "help me!" and just plain soaked in tears. I have done away with naps (even though I am suppose to take them to prevent flares) and sleep less at night. 

At this point I wouldn't mind a good coma if it would last past January 1st. 

I have come to realize people don't care if I am alone or suffering. They are far too busy with their own lives. So I have to be thankful for the small things I can do for myself to keep going. 

No matter what people say about loss in your life, you never get over it. You merely learn to live with it as days pass. But at the holidays loss is magnified. Unless you have suffered through it, you won't understand. I believe that when a family member passes, they take a part of you with them. If that is the case, I'm only 1/4th  here. 

And if I'm only 1/4th here, why does it hurt 100%?

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