Friday, January 2, 2015

And So The Year Begins

With the year starting out so sad from the loss of someone I knew, to struggling with a chronic illness that never seems to let up, my year starts over again with doctors. My first doctor visit of the year is Tuesday - general MD. So here we go!

A week from next Tuesday I see a specialist. My rheumatologist thinks my heart has been damaged by lupus. So to rule out possible lung damage, too, I have to see another pulmonologist. A cardiologist noticed the downturn of my fingernails almost three years ago. He said it was a sign of lung damage. Unfortunately, he sent me to a doctor who wasn't interested in determining what was going on unless I had COPD. Since I didn't, he just pushed me out the door.

So she notices my nails are even worse. They are curling under. We will see how far this doctor will go. I'm so tired of being pushed from doctor to doctor, most of whom don't care, don't listen, and do nothing but waste your time. It gets old after awhile.

Then back to the Rheumatologist in February. I am also getting very tired of doctor appointments. I see each one every three months.

At least I get two out of the way before my birthday on Jan. 20th. It is just another day to me, but at least I won't be sitting in a doctor's office.

When I was growing up, I was always told my birthday was too close to Christmas. So I never got gifts and my mother never made a cake. I was the pushed aside kid. Then when my mother died two days before my 24th birthday and I spent that birthday in a funeral home, it scarred me forever. My mind always jumps back to that day.

With the tech age being so popular, people rarely send out birthday cards. Personally I love cards and make sure to send everyone I know a card on their birthday. I would be thankful for cards. What kind of wish would I add? Yellow roses. I love yellow roses.

I've been terribly sick the past month. Throwing up every week has taken its toll. My body is weak. Not being able to clean my apartment has taken a toll on it and me. It is true that surroundings make a huge difference.

This year I hope for strength to clean, to function like a normal person, and to make some good memories. I made ONE New Year's resolution - I will not be bullied and keep quiet. Adults can be bullied, too, and most of the time I just cower when someone bullies me. Never again. I will stand up for myself and not take it anymore.

And so the year begins.

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