Friday, March 13, 2015

Medical Tests Update

Cardiologist found something else in my test. She is doing a heart cath on both sides Tuesday morning at St Joseph East Hospital in Lexington. Another doctor will stand by in case stints are needed or other procedures done. May be an overnight thing depending on what they find. 

Am I scared? You bet! I have four days to adjust to this news before it happens. Once it sinks in I'll be okay. Just the shock of it all. 

Irony of irony, I found an error on my paid in full life insurance policy last week. They had not changed beneficiary since my brother died. I had changed it, but they failed to do so. I received the form to correct it yesterday and today I had to walk to the college to find a notary public. Now the college has updated most of their buildings with elevators, but not the Administration building. The woman I needed to see was on the third floor. I walked a mile to the college and then had to climb three flights of stairs and turn around and do it all over again. I could barely breathe just walking to the college. Yes, I agree on the diagnosis: there is something wrong with my lungs! Thank you so much, systemic lupus! It was hard enough walking on numb legs and feet in the painful rain!

I thought about the kids taking their finals and preparing to go home for Spring Break. All I wanted to do was go home, too. I wanted to pack my bags, catch a bus (like I did back then), and go home. I wanted to walk into the back door, smell my mother's southern country cooking, sit at the table with my mom, dad and brother for supper, and crawl into my old bed where I felt safe and secure. No matter how much we struggled, no matter how much we fought, how many problems to overcome, home was home. It was a place where I could walk into the door and feel "AHHHHHHHH!" as the problems, struggles, bullies, hurts all rolled off my mind and body and out the door. It was home. And I miss it terribly. 

As I walked back home I listened to some music I downloaded from a cd.  It was the Peasall Sisters. The one song that deeply touched my heart was this one: "Where No One Stands Alone"

When I arrived back home with dreams of collapsing into my bed, in hopes of sleeping, letting go, etc., I had a message to deal with instead. Cardiologist office calling with the news. Oh joy!

That song could not have been more appropriate. 

LYRICS: Once I stood in the night with my head bowed low
In the darkness as black as the sea
And my heart was afraid and I cried,
Oh Lord, don't hide your face from me.

Hold my hand all the way, every hour, every day
From here to the great unknown
Take my hand, let me stand
Where no one stands alone.

Like a king, I may live in a palace so tall
With great riches to call my own
But I don't know a thing in this whole wide world
That's worse than being alone.

Hold my hand all the way, every hour, every day
From here to the great unknown
Take my hand, let me stand
Where no one stands alone...

I don't live in a palace or have riches this world says is so important to have. I stand alone where this world is concerned. So I turn to God, the one who loves me no matter what, who comforts me when I am afraid, so sick I cannot lift my head, and I crawl into His loving arms. He listens. He loves. He shows His power through my frailty. I feel His hand in mine. No matter what happens with my heart and lungs, I know whose hand I hold and He will bring me into a new home. His peace is overwhelming. 

I'm getting there. Acceptance is hard especially when you don't have a human being to just listen. But I feel peace and know where it comes from. I am so thankful for that peace. 


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