Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Bad Night

Last night I experienced another horrible lupus attack. I woke up with abdominal pain and swelling and a fever of 103 degrees. It was at least two hours before the fever subsided. When it did, I pulled myself up and sat on the sofa in hopes the pain would go away. So bad! I cried for an hour.

When Little Bit heard me crying, she crawled into my lap and purred in order to sooth me. The best part about this is she has never sat in my lap before. It was the first time.

When I was able to crawl into bed again, Rascal crawled under the blanket and nestled into the small of my back. It was soothing to me to know he, too, cared.

I just can't help but wonder why people can't be as loving and kind as animals. Is it because they are so self absorbed that they won't stop and listen for those who are hurting? They discuss the situation instead of helping the hurt.

I have been weak and bed bound since last Tuesday night. The heart cath took more out of me than I realized. I haven't seen another person. No one locally has called to make sure I am still alive. It scares me to know if something happened to me, no one would find me for a long time.

I have thought about getting a medic alert system where you can push a button when you need help, but with the increase of my medication costs, I can't afford it. It would be a comfort to know someone was watching over me.

Even though the heart cath is over, the questions are not. So I'm back to see the cardiologist and pulmonologist in April. I'm still having chest pains and shortness of breath even while I'm in a seated position. My nails are curving over even more. No questions were answered in the multitude of tests.

I'm still feeling severe pain in my abdomen. So afraid to eat something, but know I have to just to pad my tummy when I take the meds at night. Still weak, but have to take a shower. The cold air comes back tomorrow. I know there is always a cold snap before Easter and this is it. When I stepped outside on the porch this afternoon to feed Buddy and Tom, I realized how warm it was. Inside I'm still under an electric blanket, wearing long sleeves and gloves. It physically hurts to be cold.

I won't be able to withstand another cold winter like this past one. I won't be able to withstand Thanksgiving and Christmas alone again. As bad as Alabama was, I did have someone coming in to help me twice a week, was able to keep my fridge full, and never had to spend the holidays alone. I had a doctor who went above and beyond to make sure my medical needs were covered. They say hind site is 20/20. In this case it was. If I had the money to pay for a moving company, I'd go back. Until that miracle lands in my lap, I'm stuck with being alone, struggling with the smallest things like getting myself to the grocery store and dealing with doctors who don't seem to care, literally freezing to death.

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