Friday, March 27, 2015

Still Winter

Even though the calendar says it is Spring, it is Winter in Wilmore as the cold weather blew in more snow showers this afternoon. Temps are going to drop below freezing the next couple of nights. The only way to survive here is to crawl under the blankets and stay there.

I'm still reeling from the abdominal attack from a few days ago. Still unable to function well. And again the cold weather swooped in to bring more pain throughout my body.

Still winter in temperatures. Still winter in precipitation. Still winter in the lowness I feel inside. So many days I get tired of trying. So tired of struggling. So tired of being sick and tired.

Just hoping for open doors once again. Hoping for life. Hoping for joy. Hoping.

I feel so weak today and the one thing I need more than any eludes me. I need sleep. I need rest. I need love, encouragement, to feel as though I belong. Pain keeps me from sleeping. Being alone in the world keeps me from the other needs.

I simply cannot do what I use to do. Because I am unable to function like a normal person, social functions are unattainable to me.

It is silent. Cold. Lonely. All I want to do is close my eyes and run home. I want to crawl into my old bed at home, pull the covers over me and sigh a big sigh of security and comfort. It is only in my dreams I can go home again.

I talk to God every day for He is the only one in my life. I pray for love, encouragement and belonging. I pray and beg for a way to go home. Hoping for an open door, provision for moving, a place to call home again.

I hope for it is all I have now except for the peace I still hold in my heart.

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