Monday, April 13, 2015

A Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day

It has been a horrible day/weekend. Lupus has decided to produce ulcers in my mouth. Infection has spread into my right ear. Set into my teeth. It hurts, hurts, hurts!! Top it off with physically being unable to walk to the store downtown to purchase toothache medicine (the only thing that seems to ease the pain and heal the sores). I haven't slept, haven't rested, unable to eat or drink without suffering from pain.

Add to it receiving a hospital bill for $208.00 from the breathing tests. Insurance paid over $800 and left me with the rest. It might as well be $208,000.00!! So stress from worry has set in on top of the pain.

I've been dizzy and nauseous all day. Rain is coming in bringing with it the vice grip of pain. Lupus has totally wiped me out.  It is on days like this I'd rather not be alive, confined to just  breathing in and out.

This weekend I read the book,  The Mockingbird Next Door. It was written by a woman who spent time with Harper and Alice Lee. A wonderful story of sister love. Many wrote negative comments about the book, but this time I decided not to believe them. I'm so glad I did! It was beautifully written and shared. I was deeply touched by the love these two sisters shared, their struggles and what a difference they made in the lives around them. Harper Lee wrote To Kill A Mockingbird, one of my most favorite books.

The author suffers from lupus as well. She shared times of her pain, wipe outs, struggles. So thankful to connect to someone who shares the same sufferings I do. When you are alone, have no support system, cannot talk with others who suffer, you begin to wonder if this is the norm for this horrible disease. When someone else shares the same suffering you do, you know for sure this horrible disease wreaks havoc in ways you never dreamed. I am so thankful for her sharing as well.

I sit on the loveseat feeling numb inside. The pain has been overwhelming the past few days. My body screams in agony. All I can do is wait it out and pray tomorrow will be a better day. I read in a pamphlet received in today's mail from the hospital I use an article dealing with pain and rain. They said there was no proof rain brought pain in people with chronic illness. Obviously they have never suffered this kind of pain when it rains. The barometric pressure and humidity together act as a vice squeezing on every joint, every inch of your body, until you cannot stand it anymore. It amazes me someone in the medical field was so ignorant in sharing such a story. Those of us who suffer tremendously when it rains or when the weather changes from one extreme to another assure this doctor it is very real. Until they suffer the same they will never know the pain.

I am tired of horrible, no good, very bad days. I hate having to deal with bills I cannot pay, pain that is unbearable, and dealing with all of it alone. I've reached the point I don't know when to go to the ER or suffer it alone at home. Most of the time I just suffer at home alone. One day I may misjudge the time to go to the ER and find myself too sick to cry for help.

I'm tired. So very tired. Oh sleep where are you?


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