Friday, June 26, 2015

Feeling Lonely

The harsh storm woke me up at 3:00 a.m. and I never was able to go back to sleep. When I walked outside to feed Buddy, I found the air to be in the mid 60's. It actually felt good outside.

My college is having their 125 year reunion this weekend. I wanted to go because I wanted to see two people on the coming list. So I pushed myself out the door walking very slowly. It took me an hour to walk a mile and a half. I checked in at the library and went to the Student center to recover from my walk. I have a very bad back. When I stand longer than five minutes, my thighs go numb. Lupus has already caused nerve damage in both feet and legs up to my knees. I can no longer feel them and have to balance carefully just to walk.

There was an hour left before the gathering in Hughes auditorium for chapel so I made it down to the bookstore to look around. I finally decided to eat breakfast in the cafeteria before it closed. It was the first good meal I've had in two weeks. It made me feel so much better.

I sat in chapel remembering what it was like for me as a student. Some of the most wonderful memories I have of Asbury came from chapel. Today's chapel was no disappointment. There is nothing like hearing singing in that wonderful old building. The speaker was just as wonderful.

What I did experience while on campus today was an overwhelming sense of loneliness. People were talking to those who were in their class, hugging each other, bonding all over again. I didn't have anyone to hug or talk to. I sat quietly in the chapel seat wishing I didn't feel so all alone. It broke my heart. I never saw the two people I wanted to see. There were so many people crowded into that building.

After chapel I went to the grille to view the art show. Beautiful pieces. I sat down on one of the sofas to rest and try to recover. The clouds had dispersed and heat increased. I dreaded walking back home in full sun. Exposure always brings on a lupus flare and I could feel my system shutting down already. I put it off one more hour and decided to eat lunch in the cafeteria. I was so thankful for the full meal I received. Two meals in one day. Hoping this helps to fend off the flares for awhile.

Today was the first day I walked so far since January. By the time I walked home my back had already took the rest of the sensation out of my legs. It took longer to walk home. The sun, the heat, and the humidity all combined to make me so sick I could barely make it back. I felt so bad.

When I opened my door, I collapsed inside falling to the floor before I reached a chair. Full bruised, hurting, swollen and sick, I have decided this is the last time I push myself.

People don't understand how hard it is to do something as simple as walking when you're living in a body damaged by twenty years of lupus flares. I always thought it was because they couldn't relate. Now I think it is because they just don't care. A friend called me last night and we talked about the struggles I'm facing. I told her "you can't make people care."

The Bible talks about the signs of the end of times. One of them is people will become lovers of themselves. That part has definitely been fulfilled. When I took a package (medications) from the UPS driver, we talked for a few minutes. He reiterated the same sentiment I had felt all day. If people showed more kindness and caring to others we wouldn't have a world full of mess!

I have a hard time finding a way to the doctor in Lex. There are several appointments I had to cancel because I have no one willing to stick with me even though I pay for gas. I haven't had an eye exam in two years and cannot fill one of my lupus medications until it is taken care of. I tell my rheumatologist I have no way to get there. She just repeated the same thing. Not a clue!

I haven't had an x-ray or cat scan on the aneurysm growing near my heart in two years. The last doctor who checked it was a joke. I have no thoracic surgeon.

I have a hard time getting food. For the past few months I've had to order my food from walmart.com. Of course that does not include fresh foods so I do without.

I'm suffering. I'm overwhelmed and know I should have stayed in Alabama no matter how bad the crime and how bad the people. I could access health care much easier. I could get myself to the grocery store so much easier. I not only want to go home, but need to go home for my health. The stress is killing me.

The cost of a move stops me in my tracks. I desperately need a miracle.

At this point in my life I would rather die than suffer like this. As my health declines it will be so much harder for me to travel a long distance. So the question I ponder is do I give up or not?

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