Thursday, June 18, 2015

Hot Hot Summer!

It has been terribly hot lately even though Summer has not officially started. Now the rains are coming in from Tropical Storm Bill and bringing hail with them. I've spent days preparing for a yard sale on Saturday, but it appears that heavy rains are headed for us. It has been difficult just to get ready for this sale with heat and rain affecting my health. If I can or cannot do this sale, it will officially be my last one. I just can't physically do this anymore.

Through fevers, chills, swollen joints and severe pain, I've muddled through. Some people don't understand how heat, cold, rain (barometric pressures and humidity) can cause lupus flares. Quite frankly I get tired of explaining it over and over again.

I do my best to remember what a friend shares. I love them enough to listen, care and remember. I'm finding myself having to repeat so much to those whom I am close to. It is frustrating. I know people are so consumed by their own worlds that they simply don't remember. I have to remind myself I am a different bird - a square peg in a round hole. I care deeply, feel deeply, hurt deeply. I'm super sensitive. It has its faults as much as benefits.

I've had a continual dream that has occurred over the past few years. Never know when the next installment of the story will come, but it always stars one special person who cares about me, makes a difference, comes to my rescue. I've never understood why he stars in my dreams, but I can say they make me smile. I had another installment late this morning. He rescued me once more. I knight in shining armor. Even though I know these are simply dreams and won't come true, I find them to be a gift from God in that they bring such joy for a short period of time.

I'm sick today. A flare that started last week with fevers has reached its peak. The pain is bad. The swelling is worse. The headaches are debilitating.  The heat is the culprit here. Sometimes I wish others knew just how hard it is to deal with living with this horrible disease alone.

It has been a hard year so far. I've been unable to get to the necessary doctor appointments, feel overwhelmed with dealing with it all, been sick from medications and flares. I simply suffer through each day and pray tomorrow holds relief.

If you suffer from this disease, you know by now it branches out to other extreme illnesses causing life to be difficult. I've stopped socializing because I simply can't function. Thank God for feline friends. They've been more faithful, loving and dedicated that any person I know. Even though I don't go out much anymore, except for doctors, I've learned to be content alone. It has been a hard lesson to learn over the years of my life. But I've finally reached contentment. I enjoy being around people, but I'm finding it more difficult to be labeled, judged, and having to be a teacher about my heath. It is far more comforting for me to just stop. Have I given up? To some degree I have. Maybe now I can rest in the day to day. After all, we can't live tomorrow until it comes. The stress of worry, tears from fearing tomorrow, dealing with the past all come to a head causing more flares, more illness and making life more difficult to face.

UPDATE: It was pouring rain today. I tried to have my yard sale on the front porch, but became so ill I had to give up. Stuck in bed once again.

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